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Abbott, or He Who Would Be Flinged!

When I made various predictions about Mr Abbott’s time as PM, there were those that scoffed. But I hate to say I told you so.

Ok, all right, he hasn’t actually declared the ACT the true Vatican City, and declared that not only is he the one, true Pope, but I consider the Prince Philip thing slightly less likely. And slightly more bizarre. So I’m putting that one down as a win.

Anyway, I’m about to make even more predictions based on getting three and a half out of the ten I made about Abbott have turned out to be true. (All right, it doesn’t sound impressive, but being completely wrong most of the time never stops politicians, racing and footy tipsters or economists. Even Steven Keane keeps predicting a crash to housing bubble in Australia, and eventually he’ll be right. The fact that he’s been predicting it since last century won’t stop him from saying, “I told you so, that house you paid a whopping $250k for back in 1998 is now worth a mere $1.3 million after the crash. I told you to sell back when it was worth $400k!”)

  • Abbott will call a double dissolution in the next couple of months in the hope of forcing Murdoch to back him rather than risking a leadership spill so close to the election.
  • No Murdoch journalist will write a word until after Murdoch has tweeted.
  • Julie Bishop will have lunch with Murdoch where they’ll discuss whether she can become PM after Abbott wins the election.
  • Murdoch will agree that it’s a fine idea, before ringing Bill Shorten to say that he’s always thought that he was a damn fine man, and – once he’s elected – could he perhaps ensure that those hot-heads in the Labor Party don’t do anything to upset his business interests.
  • Shorten will play both sides of the fence.
  • George Pell will tweet that social media is evil and only Abbott can save us from this electronic graffiti.
  • Abbott will lose the election.
  • Turnbull will suggest that, if you get tired of Bill, that he’s available as a compromise candidate for PM, because he’s pretty much prepared to say whatever he’s told so long as he’s given clear instructions.
  • Christopher Pyne will become Opposition Leader because nobody else will want the job.
  • At his first press conference, Pyne will say that he’s happy that Bishop will be his Deputy, because she’s done such as exceptional job as Speaker.
  • When told that the Bishop who’s his deputy is Julie, not Bronwyn, he’ll claim that he didn’t read the final vote, and he’s happy with anyone who’s prepared to be his deputy because the important thing is to make sure people know exactly how much money Labor have wasted since being elected.
  • Pyne will say that there’s no evidence of climate change and that there have always been polar bears floating on icebergs past Cairns.
  • Rupert Murdoch will bet some other billionaire that he can make Pyne PM within three years.
  • Bill Shorten will be surprised that no matter what he does, nobody likes him.
  • His wife will tell him that it’s surprising, because they don’t even know how bad his breath is.
  • In 2018, Christopher Pyne will declare that he’s been elected Prime Minister, but this will later change because – before he’s sworn in – 32 Liberals will move to the cross benches, saying that their best chance of being re-elected is as an Independent who actually says something intelligent instead of having to justify whatever crap the leader says. One of them will say, “Been there, done that, was given the T-shirt in the hope that I wouldn’t speak to the media, and this time I expected at least a better attempt at a bribe!”
  • Abbott will drop dead and leave a dying request that he be buried on top of Rupert Murdoch.
  • Rupert will point out that he’s not dead, but others will point out that Abbott was aware of this at the time.
  • Peta Credlin will write an expose of her time in Canberra.
  • Christopher Pyne will try to give her a knighthood, in spite of the fact that they were abolished in 2015.

Yeah, all right. But who’d have believed that Abbott would try to knight a Duke? I mean that can’t even be passed off as a chess move.

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20 comments

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  1. David

    Good fun Ross. Can I have some of what your on 🙂

  2. Rossleigh

    Ah, David, if only I was you’d have an explanation of the whole universe…
    Or the hole universe if those theories about black holes are correct!

    And just for the record, it should be “Can I have some of that, which you’re (you are) on?”

    Let’s see what the pendants do with that one, eh?

  3. Jeanette

    Nothing to add but brilliant! Does Bill really have bad breath…he does have to lighten up a bit, a little like Bob or Paul maybe they could give lessons on charisma, Paul in his suits, Bob and the grog and women, hard to give Bill extra height re Gough. I hope someone has told Bill to have his shoes built up, anything to add to the fact that the next election is for him to lose as it’s a certainty outside all that I’ve mentioned that he is a shoe in to win.

  4. keerti

    there’s definitely some potential there with the knighting a duke thing. The rest of the mob seems to be made up of a couple of bishops, a few braying dogs and a mess of pawns. Not a queen (acknowledged) amongst them! It could be claimed that one of the bishops has been …..(spayed?)

  5. John Fraser

    <

    "Sir Plus died" … Joe Hockey to Abbott.

    Via Clarke & Dawe.

  6. gregggo

    Nice, when we have a gov & opposition leader like we have absurdity is the only response. And, do u reckon Australia will follow the greeks at next election? For the same reasons the greeks did – ashamed, furious, independent and “we gotta start democracy again”!

  7. Loz

    Gregggo – I think it is a sign of things to come if the Liberal party go down the austerity path.

  8. Matthew Oborne

    impossible to figure out satire from genuine predictions at the moment, as I have said if Tony Abbott releases the Craken Micallef is out of a job.

  9. John O

    Wow.
    Some of that is good, some of that is scary as shit…….
    The best bit is Abbott imploding….

  10. sam

    Many a true word said in jest.
    I’m still laughing, maybe I shouldn’t be…..

  11. David

    When I heard this afternoon Shorten had publicly supported Credlin…I exclaimed so loudly the neighbors would have heard, such was my incredulous reaction. I cannot believe hours later Shorten is so so stupid …words fail me. Imagine Albo fronting the media and supporting his arch opponent the PM’s Chief of Staff when they are both embroiled in a huge public boil over.
    If Abbott is still in Opposition mode, Shorten is still in his I don’t know what mode!!

  12. sam

    keerti,
    There’s defiantly a queen on the front bench of the lnp. Haven’t you heard him screeching during question time?
    I don’t wish to name names but I prefer kelpies to poodles…

  13. Bacchus

    Oh dear David – there’s a difference between saying Abbott is responsible for the rot and “supporting Credlin”. You have bought into the Mordoch rhetoric. Please report for reprogramming 😆

  14. Wayne Turner

    Spot on Bacchus – Please wake up David. Shorten NEVER supported Credlin,he actually put the boot into Abbott,by saying Abbott is the problem,NOT Credlin.Of course the BIASED MSM might have spun it that Shorten supported Credlin,but NO it was really all about Shorten correctly pointing out it is all Abbott’s fault for stupid “captain call” decisions.

  15. jagman48

    Thank you Wayne for setting the record straight. The MSM do so get it wrong.

  16. David

    I will stick to my opinion, nothing changes.

  17. Harquebus

    Perhaps knighting a duke was a smart and calculated move. I mean, I have heard nothing else all week and it looks like it could go on.

  18. diannaart

    Thanks again Ross for another excellent read – never though I’d be tempted to buy anything written by a former RWNJ – but an expose from Peta Credlin – I may make an exception.

    It was a fair bet that Abbott would do something really off the rails eventually – but, never, not in my wildest could I have predicted the Knighting of Prince Phillip – that one was so far out of right field not even his minions saw that one coming. A gold mine for posterity that one – we can chuckle as we slump in our comfy nursing home recliners… remember when Australia finally decided to become a republic?

  19. Lee

    “When I heard this afternoon Shorten had publicly supported Credlin…I exclaimed so loudly the neighbors would have heard, such was my incredulous reaction. I cannot believe hours later Shorten is so so stupid …words fail me.”

    Mmm… no… Shorten put the attention where it belonged – back on Abbott.

  20. diannaart

    @Lee

    I agree – the buck stops with Tony Abbott.

    Please note – I am in no way a fan of Credlin.

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