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A Reclaimed Australia

By Richard O’Brien

Yesterday, Australia’s own far-right wing group, the United Patriots Front, announced their plans to form a new political party to run candidates in the next Federal election. The announcement was heralded by one of the UPF’s leaders, Shermon Burgess:

“Aussie’s (sic) will have the right to bare (sic) arms again if UPF gets into a position where we can make this law change”.

Now I’ve looked into this and apparently “Aussies” have had the right to bare their arms since Federation, you’d think these guys would know that given how much they like wearing singlets. Another example of them trying to reclaim something they never actually lost, I presume.

In addition to his hard-line position on sleeves, Mr Burgess, aka the Great Aussie Patriot (or is it Parrot?) is also apparently keen to bear firearms. In fact, this appears to be their only stated policy at this stage, and it sounds like a real vote winner. Who could possibly object to the idea of giving a bunch of angry, aggressive, irrational, racist, xenophobic haters unrestricted access to firearms?

This scenario raises two important questions, however. Firstly, what are they going to call this new party? The obvious choice would be the National Socialist Party of Australia, but this might lead to it being confused with the Nationals due to the preference of Australians to the shortened titles of political parties to the first syllable, for example: the Nats, the Libs, and the Country Liberal Party. Perhaps they could look at rebranding the Nazis in a more Aussie tradition, the Nozis maybe?

The second question is who should lead this rabble? The UPF’s leadership currently consists of a triumvirate of charming individuals. There’s the Parrot, famous for his batshit crazy rants on social media; Blair Cottrell, who has a past conviction for arson and has previously called for Mein Kampf to be taught in schools and pictures of Adolf Hitler to be hung in every classroom; and Neil Erikson, who has links to a number of European Neo-Nazi organisations and a past conviction for harassing and stalking a rabbi. Despite these extensive CVs, the atrocious spelling of their posts rules them out. If you can’t cut it with the grammar Nazis, you won’t cut it with the rest of them.

Pauline Hanson is another obvious candidate, a woman who has crafted a message so simplistic that it would take a complete moron to fail to deliver it in a coherent fashion. Yet her lack of experience in government – combined with the fact that she is still using the same speech from 1996 with the word ‘Asians’ crossed out and ‘Muslims’ written in its place – suggests she may not have what it takes to lead this nation into a new and glorious Reich.

This leaves one obvious choice: A man who possesses past experience leading this country, and a deluded and irrational obsession with doing so again. A man who has already demonstrated the extent to which he is prepared to put his own narrow opinions and prejudices ahead of minor distractions like fairness, diversity and common bloody sense. A man with the grammatical discipline of a Rhode scholar.

Who better to lead this party than Anthony John Abbott, the man who summoned up the likes of Burgess, Cottrell and Erickson with his unique brand of dog whistle politics, delivered with the delicately subtle tones of a beginner’s bagpipe recital? Who else can match the destructive insanity of Abbott’s previous term in office, fermented after years of bitter resentment at being stabbed in the back by a bunch of pinkos masquerading as Liberal Party members?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present Australia’s future Führer. I hope you all will join me in wishing him the same success and adulation that ultimately befell the last German one.


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  1. longwhitekid

    Don’t for get the vocal bit about smacking women around, apart from being a bunch of angry, aggressive, irrational, racist, xenophobic haters .

  2. Sandra Biggs

    Please, do not even joke about this. After all, how did he EVER become Prime Minister?

  3. Glenn K

    yes, the perfect party for Tony Abbott. it makes perfect sense. he fits…perfectly. Bwua ha ha

  4. Rafe Falkiner

    Everyone in Australia already has the right to own & use weapons. The weapons licencing branch should be very aware that these loonies should not be armed

  5. Kaye Lee


  6. PC

    It is rumoured that the Führer is in negotiations with his mate pedo Nestor to be his deputy leader.

  7. lawrencewinder

    Their debating style in parliament should really be something….

  8. Sen Nearly Ile

    Great picture of the ubiquitous finger pointing bully.
    The party could make politics an interesting balance once more, with the coalition and their loony right???
    Love it, kaye, the poor old twit can’t even get hitler right, the hair went the other way.

  9. oldfart

    We should be safe, the three of them would probably be scholastically challenged by any electoral commission form and Rabbit has form for incorrectly filling them out, a slight misdemeanour about duel citizenship or something.

    Interesting speech from Palmer last night about Mal Brough

  10. Chris the Greatly Dismayed

    I think Tony Abbott gets way to much credit that he definitely doesn’t deserve.
    John Winston Howard is the real culprit along with his backers and ministers. He should never be included in any list of slightly worthwhile Australian Prime Ministers (Prime Monsters….maybe)

  11. Amber Tell

    Show some sympathy for Tony Abbott. It’s not easy trying to run a country after being diagnosed with early stages dementia.

  12. Adrianne Haddow

    Sounds great having this mob claiming politician’s wages and entitlements for the rest of their sorry lives. That should reduce the spending on welfare anyway.
    You thought Abbott led a parliament that looked and sounded like a mud wrestling match, wait until this lot and the newly formed anti Islamic party get into parliament …….. and sadly they will. There are more than enough rednecks out there who are exercising their newly found voice of division and hatred who will vote for them.
    They are pretty sorry looking lot when compared to the Hugo Boss attired Hitler youth, but just as scary.
    I hate what Australia has become, a little country shaped by little minds.

  13. Wayne Turner

    Please don’t even suggest and/or joke about this. It might give these bogans the idea for their misleader.

  14. Freeliving88

    The parrot use to be a garbage collector for the local council got the sack for not turning up to work if people knew the truth about Sherman like everyone in Cooma there party would crumble he is just an average houso who is currently receiving Centrelink payment from our country great role model

  15. corvus boreus

    Who would best represent the UPF in our nation’s parliament?
    I rule out Shermon Burgess because he is obviously much too sensitive for the parliamentary bearpit.
    Blair Cottrell fills a podium, but the open Hitler-love is a bit off-putting, and the whole pyrophilia thing might haunt his chances.
    Another possibility is Chris Curtis, seen here articulating his worldview whilst lovingly stroking a sniper’s rifle.

  16. PC

    Chris the Greatly Dismayed is absolutely correct.

  17. JeffJL

    Kaye. That went a bit too far.

    Admittedly I have had to pick myself off the floor to post this reply.

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