Today Mr Abbott had the opportunity to talk to the World’s Leaders. As he noted, some of the most powerful and influential people in the world were in the room, and if Rupert and the IPA had been there it would have been a really important occasion.

“Nowhere on earth will there be a more influential gathering than this,” he said, before adding that, normally, due to the red tape of the local council, they’d have had a lot more trouble getting a park. Mr Abbott went on to explain some of the extremely important issues that faced the municipality where the G20 was being held, in the hope that some of the hysterical calls for discussions on climate change could be seen in perspective.

“This room symbolises the limitations on our power!” Mr Abbott went on, “Thanks to the Liberal Government blocking all the traffic, you people have been able to drive on whatever side of the road you chose to, and that’s our plan for all of Australia. Anyone with a chauffeur can do whatever the hell they want to.”

Mr Abbott then suggested that they speak from their hearts rather than the parts of the body that politics often called for. “Personally, I’ve been forced to say things I don’t mean for years now, and I’d just like to have the opportunity to allow you people to tell me in private how much you respect me for being able to get myself elected with so little to offer.”

He suggested that people address each other by their first names, no matter how difficult they were to pronounce, and for any knights or dames to be simply addressed as “sir” to avoid gender confusion.

Mr Abbott added that there were constraints facing us all. Australia, for example, had a big deficit problem, and that some people weren’t happy with the brave decisions his government was trying to make, while not annoying people with a double dissolution.

“It doesn’t matter what spending program you look at, it doesn’t matter how wasteful that spending program might appear, there are always some people in the community who vote who love that program very much.

Mr Abbott went on to cite an example of an extremely wasteful community program.

“For a long time most Australians who went to see a doctor have been seen at no charge and we would like to see a $7 co-payment for people who are going to see the doctor.

“In most countries this is not unusual … but it is proving to be massively difficult to get this particular reform through the Parliament.

“So getting the budget under control has proven very difficult.”

 

Mr Abbott added that he was sure that all of the world leaders would like to set the example by paying a $7 payment every time they spoke at the G20, because as they all knew, nothing was free, not even speech.

“It’s just a way of helping cover the enormous costs of an event like this. After all, thanks to the Labor Party, Australia had the GFC which left the country with enormous debt and, unlike most of you, who were unaffected by Labor’s mismanagement, we need every cent we can get to the Budget back into surplus.”

Mr Abbott closed his remarks by demonstrating that even while he was drinking a glass of water, he could still make statements on behalf of the IPA.