Tony Abbott came to power on a very clear platform.
He stands for small government.
Unless we are talking action on climate change where, rather than a market-based mechanism that was raising revenue and cutting emissions, he prefers the hugely expensive bureaucratic and logistical nightmare of an emissions reduction fund. Rather than a dedicated army of volunteers involved in Landcare programs, he prefers paying middlemen to conscript the unemployed into his Green Army. Rather than assisting the burgeoning renewable energy industry with the profitable Clean Energy Finance Corporation, he has set aside $5 billion to loan to mining companies to build their infrastructure because no-one else will back them.
He is cutting red tape.
By eliminating the need to turn your mobile phone off during takeoff and landing, Tony has saved the nation over $18 million. How, you say? How indeed! Who would have thought we could save so much.
But this is only one small example of money saved by red tape reduction. Getting rid of environmental laws was a great start. Giving Ministers sole discretion over decision-making and removing any right of appeal was a master stroke. Courts so often get it wrong in their blind adherence to the law – bypassing the judicial process will save a fortune.
He sees paid parental leave as a workplace entitlement where anything less than replacement wages plus superannuation for six months is discriminatory.
Unless he has to pay for it. And come to think of it, the government is already shelling out too much to these fraudulent double-dipping rorters. Why should we give them anything at all when their employer is already paying them?
Tony promised to stop the waste.
His lifestyle choice to live at Kirribilli House cannot be considered wasteful (even though it means empty jets fly backwards and forwards, often several times a day, to transport him to different photo opportunites), because it allows him to present his daughters to royalty and cricket teams in a fitting setting. Hugh and Deborah like it too, and the press in Sydney are so much more fun to entertain than that Canberra lynch mob.
Paying off your investment property with your accommodation allowance is entirely within guidelines, as is claiming for networking at weddings and football grand finals. George is entitled to his bookcases to house all the books he is entitled to buy. Unlike defence personnel and frontline officials in Immigration and Customs because we simply cannot afford to allow their conditions and entitlements to continue.
And paying tens of millions to find out what people are saying on social media is a good investment, as are the thousands of spin doctors, image consultants, advertising and PR people employed to manipulate, sorry, gauge public opinion. Polls and focus groups are essential because policy has to come from somewhere and we all know that experts can’t be trusted.
Tony promised to stop the boats.
To keep the message simple he left out the rest of the sentence – that he would stop the boats getting to safety. If that means setting people adrift with insufficient fuel and water and no amenities, or leaving them to drift around the ocean indefinitely with nowhere to land, or towing them until their boat falls apart, that’s their own fault. We never said we’d stop them setting sail. Indonesia needs to tighten up security of their 54,720 km of coastline.
Tony is a champion of free speech.
It is far more important than the disabled. It is the cornerstone of our democracy. Transparency allows people to judge for themselves. Even though we may disagree with them, or be offended by them, everyone has a right to express their opinion.
Unless they are a public servant. Or they want to talk about children in detention or the consequences of new citizenship laws. Or they are discussing anything to do with operational matters, unless it’s the addresses of suspected terrorists in which case a map will be provided. Or freedom of information requests about government spending. Or climate change (What were you thinking Barak?). And especially anything on the ABC unless it’s the Killing Season.
There will be no new taxes under a Coalition government.
We won’t be raising the GST – blame your premiers when it goes up. We won’t be charging a co-payment – blame your doctors and chemists when they charge more. And you know that 1.5% levy on big business – we were just kidding, we won’t need it now. And the 2% tax increase on high income earners is only temporary so it doesn’t count. And increasing the fuel excise isn’t really an increase because it’s only going up by the CPI so really it’s staying the same – unlike pensions which are increasing generously with the CPI twice a year. And we won’t be increasing income tax rates – bracket creep will work nicely to get us back on an (in)credible path back to surplus.
And Tony will fix the debt and deficit disaster.
Even though Tony said “I have never been as excited about economics as some of my colleagues; you know, I find economics is not for nothing known as the dismal science,” we can rest easy that the genetic makeup of the Coalition makes economic success assured – it’s in their DNA.
Eliminating the debt ceiling was a strategic first step in reducing the debt. Increasing the CGS on issue to $370 billion may look like the debt has increased but it’s less than what it would have been in ten years’ time if Labor had stayed in power and adopted Coalition policies.
Whilst the projected deficit has blown out with each fiscal statement, Tony’s strategy of pumping government money into coal, and flooding the market with iron ore, is sure to make the prices go up because coal is the future that will lift the world’s masses from poverty provided they can pay premium price for it.
And small business owners buying new coffee machines is sure to solve the unemployment problem at Harvey Norman for a month or two. The building of the submarine strike force and squadrons of fighter jets will employ thousands of people and inject hundreds of billions into the economies of our best friends Japan and the US.
When Tony promised no cuts, it should have been obvious that, in this time where we are all pulling together to fix Labor’s mess, no one would be immune from efficiency dividends.
Except defence, national security, intelligence agencies, the AFP, border security, and all those involved in Tony’s unrelenting war to keep us afraid, I mean safe.
We must all contribute our fair share.
Unless you are a big corporation in which case you can give your share to your accountants. Due to the danger of corporations being kidnapped [source required], we have decided they no longer need to declare their income should they have any left after loaning themselves money and paying themselves exorbitant interest.
I hope this has been helpful in understanding the vision that Tony Abbott has for his future and has reassured you that he means whatever he says that day and will do whatever it takes to be re-elected.
