Uncivil War

By Robert Stygall

This week the UK was plunged into chaos as a second civil war took place.

After weeks of humiliating rejections by Parliament and a refusal by the EU to extend the Brexit exit date; the opposition called for a new election. Theresa May rejected the call and suspended parliament, knowing she would lose a vote of ‘No Confidence’ in her government.

Some hours later, the Queen announced she was intervening in the constitutional crisis. ‘I thought the year Charles separated from Diana, was my worst year, but this year is truly my ‘annus horribillis’, given the events of recent weeks I have decided to suspend the authority of the British Parliament and appoint Prince Charles as Regent and ruler of the UK – effective immediately.’

Subsequently Prince Charles broadcast to the nation, ‘We have watched events over the last two years deteriorate and we are not amused. Our family has an extensive European hereditary and I therefore feel I am ideally qualified to negotiate with Michel Barnier of the EU. I will be exploring the concept of an absolute monarchy within the EU.’

President Macron when asked to comment on the Prince’s proposal said, ‘This Royal coup d’état has as much chance of being accepted by the EU, as the last Emperor of Europe had of escaping St Helena.’

Shortly after the Queen’s announcement, Jeremy Corbyn fled and formed a militia, known as the New Roundheads, with the help of defecting members of the military forces. ‘We will fight them (the Royalists) on the beaches, we shall fight in the fields and streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender,’ he later tweeted.

When a BBC correspondent later accused Corbyn of plagiarism, he replied ‘I have no intention of using biological warfare, including the release of the plague.’

A number of prominent politicians including Theresa May, Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage have already been arrested and taken to the Tower. Ironically they have appealed to the European Court of Human Rights regarding their imprisonment.

Scotland has also declared it will secede from the UK, Billy Connolly and Mel Gibson have both been rumoured as strong candidates to be President.

President Trump tweeted ‘Those Europeans really are Anus Painus, it’s about time those Limey’s put the Great back in Britain. The concept of an absolute ruler, is a really, really good idea – worth exploring further.’

Tiffany’s denied rumours that they had been called to the White House, for the purpose of designing a set of Coronets.

Whilst the Australian Government so far officially remains silent on events taking place in the UK, Tony Abbott said he supported the Royal intervention but denied rumours he was putting himself forward as the next Governor General.

He also subsequently denied he had been talking to constitutional experts regarding the power of the Governor General to dismiss a government and become the effective leader of the country.

Bill Shorten said he would avoid any constitutional crisis with the UK by declaring Australia a republic immediately upon being elected. Malcolm Turnbull confirmed he would be a candidate running for President.

Scott Morrison refused to answer question on rumours that British Cruise ships were heading to Australia seeking refugee status.

Scott Morrison instead said he was focused on the forthcoming election and had no comment regards the civil war in the UK and potential implications for Australia. ‘I have appointed Barnaby as special envoy to the Royal Household at this time and his priorities are clear, Lamb and Coal exports.’

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