I lost my husband, unexpectedly and traumatically, recently. The only way I can make something better of the experience is to pass on suggestions to other people to make their own future catastrophe less crushingly irritating and gut-churning panic inducing. (This is a work in progress: advice from professionals and those who’ve lived through it can be incorporated.)

The death of a longterm partner is hard; all the logistics around it make the experience worse at a time when you least have capacity to stand it. One of you is almost certainly going to leave the other behind. It could be any moment. Work out how to make the bureaucracy of death easier for the relict.

This advice is drawn from experience. It is crucial that your own conditions override this, particularly if you are in a relationship that is unpredictable.

The Australian banking system is one of the least-friendly aspects for a longterm relationship. While mortgage debt can be held by both parties in a relationship, credit card debt cannot. The lack of this option is a failing in the system.

The person on a secondary credit card will have a worse experience of surviving than the primary card holder’s would have been. They will have the card cancelled on them.

If the bills are serviced by standing payments, you as the secondary card holder will now have to set up a whole new payment system for every single cursed account at one of the worst times of your life. Given that it is hard to predict who the first to go will be, there is a gamble in changing who the primary card holder is, or to which person’s credit cards the bills should be attached.

In Australia, thanks to the banking regulator, it doesn’t matter if you have a life insurance payout or assets or a lifetime of banking with an institution; if you are not working at the time of the other half’s death, they won’t give you a credit card. Someone earning $36,000 a year can have one, but you aren’t trustworthy. (It is intensely misogynist in impact.)

So you will be forced to have a debit card attached to a no-interest account, which means you have to monitor the account constantly to make sure that a water or power bill will be covered, or in case a payment takes a few days to be processed and your calculations miss the adjustment.

If you are returning to paid work, you will be able to apply for a credit card after three months of being paid a salary. If you are running a small business, that does not apply to you (but would – illogically – to your employee). Then you will be able to move all your bill payments once again.

Make sure bank accounts have more than one signatory. (Again, if you are in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable in any way, get proper advice about whether this is the best course for you. It is not good advice where financial abuse might be a factor.)

Joint bank accounts can be frozen. Credit cards will be cancelled. Be very careful about when you mention the death to banks, because if probate isn’t settled, you might have a hard time getting to any money to pay the bills.

The bank pretends to care about your loss, mouthing platitudes, but they are ruthless systems that don’t have any give.

Are you co-account holders of every utility? It will be easier to handle if you are. Make sure you both have the access to pay the bills, with passwords if necessary. Some companies are excellent and kind; others are clumsy and difficult to work with. Knowing how to keep the lights on while you sort out the admin is important. (Telstra will have cancelled your authorisation to speak about the account if the authorisation was created more than two years ago. Not sure about other telecom providers.)

Know where the passwords and codes are listed. Do you both know where the birth and marriage certificates are? The passports? You are likely to need certified copies of those as well as the death certificate, will and probate in the weeks after death. Certified copies last as long as the document, so some can expire.

Do you have wills? If you can’t afford a lawyer, look for free advice online. Talk to friends about decisions they’ve made: sometimes they will have thought of a problem you might not have considered. This service takes people in Victoria through the process of setting up their will for under $70, so see if there are similar services within your jurisdiction.

Make sure that your executors and powers of attorney are people you trust; choosing the right secondary person who will look after your widow/er well is crucial, if you are the one primarily entrusted with that power until your death. There are crucial quality of life decisions made by the people with your powers of attorney.

Make sure you both know where the wills and powers of attorney documents are. Who is going to organise probate for the relict? Until you – or someone you trust – has executor standing, lots of things are complicated. You will need the probate document and/or will, as well as the death certificate, to process many of the tasks that follow. (If there is no will, in Victoria Letters of Administration fill the function.)

Ask your superannuation fund or an advisor about binding death nominations for super and insurance. Otherwise a trustee might decide who the dependents should be for you. These nominations are supposed to be refreshed every three years, although an out of date one is likely to be honoured if no circumstances have changed.

The bureaucracy of death is mind-bending in a time where you are seriously unlikely to have the energy or bandwidth to handle it all. Make sure your systems are as catastrophe-proof as possible. 

If there is a possible genetic component to a terminal condition, and there are children involved, make sure you have some material – not hair – for DNA testing potential. Normal pathology processes for diseases don’t get any of that and it can be hard to remember to organise it while the hell is in progress.

Make a video of the other half telling you they love you.

Take more video of them in general, not just the kids, or the pets.

Record their favourite recipes.

And while they are here, remember every day that they might not be here tomorrow. Step away from life’s stresses and irritations regularly to tell them you love them and what you are grateful to them for. Go through your old photos while you can still do it together. Remember why you chose each other. Going through a lifetime of memories together without them for the memorial is soul slashing.

Longterm relationships are hard work and it’s impossible to be angelic to each other all the time. Hug, kiss, dance together sometimes when you are tempted to roll your eyes and snap at them. It’s easy to lose the gift of that union in the daily grind of busy households ticking off routines and obligations.

If the worst happens…

Accept help.

The first days are likely to be hell. Everyone responds differently, and your responses will change from day to day. Tell people what you need if you are able to decide.

Some people’s responses will not be helpful. You are entitled to say, “That is not what I need today, thank-you.” You can also say, “I don’t know what I will feel like tomorrow or next week. Can I get back to you on that?”

Post a notice about where you would like the equivalent of flowers to be donated as soon as possible, if you don’t want flowers filling the house. The first two or three bouquets are beautiful. Then we found ourselves eating at the edge of the table while the triffids colonised the rest. The smell of floral arrangements will not be welcome in my house again for some time.

Brace yourself for the “grief lasagne.” Ask someone to empty your freezer or make space in theirs for you. You will be very grateful for the straightforward meals as the days drag by.

Sleep can be hard. Speak to your doctor about what helps. High dose antihistamines and audiobooks eventually stopped me losing my grip.

You do not have to work with the usual funeral options. Think laterally and don’t worry about being judged. The post-religious era of funerals allows a lot of scope to make a memorial more meaningful (and potentially cheaper). We worked with a very small funeral company which had an excellent capacity to meet our needs instead of imposing their systems on us. We valued that the care was so personal. There are also new style funeral providers, so don’t be constrained by the big options that seem obvious. Note that cardboard coffins are not cheaper. It’s certainly helpful to have discussed what the other person would like ahead of time if that is feasible.

Stand firm on what represents the people involved where you need to; this is a memorial for you and the person you’ve lost. (Although you might need to choose ways to make concessions for their parents or children.)

If you need to be able to follow emails sent to your other half, brace yourself: you will be unsubscribing from all the mailing lists that remind you of their passions and dreams for months to come. (If this strikes you as important, it might be worth transferring all your subscriptions onto a disposable email account that can be closed.)

This is a useful list of processes for dealing with the other person’s social media. You will need a death certificate at least for this to take place, so wait for that to arrive before thinking about it. Once someone’s Facebook account is memorialised, their friends will no longer receive painful announcements about their birthday, but you also will not be able to post on their page. Choose your moment carefully if you are using it for announcements about events.

These are the professions that can certify documents for you. You will need documents certified, so be prepared for that in an era when many of us do not have printers at home. Phone apps that scan a document and convert it into a PDF can be very useful for sending certified documents to all the various services that will require them.

It is hard to predict the experiences, songs, flavours, sights that will break you. A parked car can be a good place to howl if you are trying not to scare the children or neighbours.

Smell is particularly hard. It bypasses all the impediments to memory of the other senses. You will be flung somewhere inconvenient by smells that bring them back. 

A daughter-in-law suggested taking a photo of the bathroom cabinet in case there was a scent we needed to find later.

Don’t wash their clothes too quickly. My other half was driven into hospital by drenching night sweats, and by the time we realised he wasn’t coming home (on his last day, really) everything had been washed. The smell in his jacket lasted about 3 months, but you’ll do better if you protect the chosen garment against dust. I’m not sure how unlaundered clothing fares in garment bags, so this is just something to consider.

Don’t let yourself be rushed by helpful people into disposing of your partner’s possessions. You can tackle that when you are ready. If you wish to live surrounded by evidence that they might walk in at any moment, nobody should countermand that decision. We all deal with death in our own way.

Get help from a professional if you can. In Australia, Griefline might be a first line of free support. [Call the helpline 1300 845 745 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week, 365 days a year AEDT/AEST.]

People tell me it gets better. You are thrust through a portal into a world you probably didn’t want to be in, although who am I to judge? You won’t necessarily be the same person in this other timeline. Be gentle with yourself while you work out who you are now.

In the meantime, hug your person one more time today than you would have, because I can’t hug mine.

Unutterable thanks to all the family and friends who have gathered around us. And to the honest and kind insurance agent, and all the diligent and caring professionals related to the family business who have done so much to help us unknot the chaos of our life in the other timeline.