“G’day. Beer?”

“Chardonnay. You know I don’t drink beer.”

“That’s right. Sorry I forgot, you’re one of those socialists like Malcolm Turnbull!”

“How can you call Turnbull a socialist? He’s a multimillionaire. He hardly believes in the redistribution of wealth.”

“Redistribution of wealth? What’s that got to do with socialism? I mean, we Liberals all support the redistribution of wealth from those lazy bastards who haven’t got off their backsides and started a business to those who’ve actually made something of themselves. I thought socialists just wanted to keep the status quo.”

“Whatever, Turnbull’s no socialist.”

“What about his views on the Republic and gay marriage and all those other ridiculous idea that you radicals believe in?”

“Well, he certainly hasn’t done much about them. I mean, he’s no different from Tony Abbott if you ask me.”

“He’s very different!”

“How?”

“Well, he has shinier shoes for a start… And he knows how to take a selfie, or whatever they’re called. When did you ever see Tony Abbott take a selfie?”

“That’s just because he doesn’t know how to use a smart phone!”

“Now you’re just being unfair. Turnbull’s very different. I mean, he’s electable. That’s another point of difference.”

“I’m not so sure about that. Have you seen the latest opinion polls?”

“I never look at polls apart from the one that counts.”

“But weren’t you talking about them last week when you were telling me how hopeless Labor were?”

“That was different.”

“How?”

“We were in front.”

“And this latest thing…”

“You mean the fact that he gives ideas about tax reform at least two days thought before ruling it out if there’s any negative feedback, or if the Labor Party say it’s a good idea. Well, that’s just politics like Scott Morrison said when he was asked about where the budget emergency had gone.”

“No, I mean Turnbull launching an investigation into the Safe Schools project just to keep the bigots in your party happy.”

“People have a right to be bigots you know!”

“That’s not what you said when the CFMEU launched that ad campaign about foreign workers…”

“That was different. They’re a union and unions don’t have the right to be bigots.”

“But the Safe Schools project is about trying to ensure that all people felt safe at school and free from bullying!”

“Yes, it sounds all right, but it’s a bit like the whole Baby Asha thing.”

“What!”

“We’d like to be able to help everyone but if you let people stay then it’d just encourage the people smugglers and then we’d have more deaths at sea.”

“What’s that got to do with the Safe Schools thing?”

“Well, from what I understand it was telling all those gay and lesbian and transgender people that they’re allowed to express who they are, and if they do that then it’ll just encourage other students to bully them, so it’s really helping them by giving them a deterrent against coming out.”

“But they should be allowed to come out! And they shouldn’t be bullied for it!”

“It’s all very well for you to say that, but look at how you lefties bullied that poor Freedom Commissioner bloke, and imagine what you’d say if any of our front bench came out. Look at how you abandoned Peter Slipper when it came out that he was sending suggestive messages to his staffer….”

“Just a minute, weren’t you critical of Julia Gillard for not abandoning Peter Slipper? And we never attacked Wilson because he was gay – we were just annoyed that instead of appointing a new Disability Commissioner that you appointed a card carrying Liberal member who was on record as saying that he thought that Human Commission should be abolished!”

“He resigned from the Liberal Party as soon as he was appointed, so I don’t think you could suggest that he was partisan. Unlike Gillian Triggs who never resigned as Human Rights Commissioner, which just shows how hostile to the Liberal Party she was.”

“How do you figure that?”

“Anyone openly supporting human rights like that is clearly hostile to many of our policies!”

“Anyway, as for Turnbull, I can’t think of anything where he’s actually stood up and said this is where I differ from Tony Abbott and this latest attack on the Safe Schools is exactly the sort of thing that Abbott would have done.”

“Yes, but he’s not fooling us, you know. We know that deep, deep down Malcolm has certain principles that he’s not prepared to compromise on.”

“What are they?”

“The idea that he should be leader. Once you tell him he’s in charge, he’d sell his own grandmother.”

“Does he have a grandmother?”

“What are you implying?”

“Nothing, I just thought that she’d have to be a fair age and…”

“Just so long as you’re not implying that he sold her. I mean that’s the sort of nasty innuendo that you lefties resort to…

“But you were the one who said…”

“I don’t even know why I drink with you. Your hypocricy just makes me angry.”

“But I just asked…”

“Right, that’s it. If all you can do is try to assassinate Turnbull’s character the way you did Tony Abbott….I don’t know whether I can be bothered setting you straight any more. As Greg Sheridan said, no PM had ever been subject to the sort of media hatred that poor Tony experienced.”

“What about Julia Gillard?”

“That was different, she deserved it.”

“What? What did she do to deserve it?”

“She appointed Peter Slipper as Speaker. How could anyone appoint someone like that to such a position?”

“But didn’t the Liberals appoint him as Deputy Speaker. I don’t see much difference.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. The Speaker is The Speaker and The Deputy Speaker is the Deputy. I mean, we’re happy to have Barnaby Joyce as Deputy PM, but the idea of making him PM is more worrying than Trump/Sanders joint ticket for The Whitehorse.”

“But surely if he was considered fit and proper to be Deputy, he was fit to be Speaker. After all, even Barnaby will get to be acting PM on occasions.”

“Yes, but he’ll be told to sit in his office and if the phone rings his secretary will answer it and ask the person to ring back in a couple of days when the communication systems are working again.”

“What if it’s an emergency, like a disaster or a terrorist attack or something?”

“Then the secretary will just have to deal with it herself.”

“Ok then. So, the Beudget is under control even though the deficit is as big as it ever was, the government isn’t going to make any announcements on tax until it’s closer to the election because in nearly three years they haven’t worked out a policy, you’re worried that the Safe Schools Coalition will just lead to more gay people feeling comfortable and that’s a bad thing, and you got rid of a sitting PM just because you thought Turnbull was more popular and you still think that you should be elected.”

“Hang on, we didn’t get rid of Abbott because Turnbull was more popular!”

“Why did you then?”

“I told you: He has much shinier shoes!”