A trustworthy source just gave this to me, claiming that Tony has already written his acceptance speech. No, I don’t have to tell you the trustworthy source, but let’s just say it’s someone who’s very credible. Very, very credible. And you can trust me! Just ask my trustworthy source.

Good evening, ladies and gentleman.

I realize that there are some people out there who didn’t vote for me, but I’d like to assure them that we intend to govern all Australians!

Now that I’m Prime Minister, I’d like to say about bloody time. I should have been Prime Minister three years ago, but those stupid independents don’t understand the way democracy is meant to work. Anyway, that’s been rectified now, and I can get on with the business of correcting the mistakes of the Labor Government, starting with the one where they had Julia Gillard as Prime Minister. Now, I don’t say that because she’s a woman, so before any of you shrill feminists accuse me of being sexist, let me just point out that I have a wife and daughters and if I were to say anything sexist, they’d soon nag me back into line. And don’t forget that my chief of staff was allowed to keep her IVF injections in my fridge, right next to Malcolm’s testicles.

All right, so we can agree that I’ve already fixed that one about Australia having the wrong leader, so no-one can accuse me of not keeping my two most important, fundamental promises, which were to be Prime Minister and to be a better Government, which, of course, we are.

As for some of my other statements – I’m sure that the Opposition will want to call them “promises” but did I ever put them in writing? No, and I was very clear about that! You can only take notice of what I put in writing- a lot gets said in the course of political debate and people should be free to clarify their position. When, on Monday, I discover that budget position is far worse than I could have possibly imagined when I said that we were an economic basket case, I’ll have to make some changes to these “aspirations”.

For example, my position on the NBN is that it’s a gigantic waste of money and that we’ll stop it just as soon as the contract is fulfilled. We’d like to stop it sooner, but we can’t, but you can blame Labor for that one. And, of course, the logical flow-on is that we WILL have to scale back my direct action on Climate Change, because of all the money wasted on the NBN. But we will deliver a more efficient direct action policy: It consists of me cycling to Parliament instead of being driven, and paying Gina and Clive $2,000,000 to plant trees in their backyards.

As for the Carbon Tax, well, we may still have a hostile Senate, so we’d have to go to an election to get that repealed, which would be costly. And it would risk me breaking my two fundamental promises, to install me as Prime Minister and to have a better Government, so we may just have to live with that one for the time being.

There are a number of people I should thank. I’ll start with that wonderful woman without whom I wouldn’t be here: Gina, you’ve been great. And Kevin, that job with the UN is definitely yours, you’ve done far more for me than most people realize. As for the media, well, I notice a number of ex-journalists suggested that we had no policies, but those who managed to keep their jobs had an understanding of the greater good. Theirs, ours, and, of course, the country’s. And finally, a big special thank you to that great Australian, our most famous US citizen, Rupert Murdoch. I know I’m alleged to have offered to sell my arse, by one of the independents, but Rupert, you had me at: “I’ll make you PM!”

Finally, we intend to deliver a budget surplus and to cut taxes. In that order! For the next two years, we’ll deliver a budget surplus by cutting services and shutting down Canberra completely. As I’ll be making all the decisions, there doesn’t seem much need for Parliament to sit, so the money we save there, should enable us to deliver the promised tax cuts in about two and half years. Just before the next election!