Interviewer – Good morning, we’re joined today by Tor Kingpoints, the only person available owing to all Liberal MPs flitting between the various going away parties for outgoing MPs.
TK – Good morning.
Interviewer – So what’s the mood in the party room like.
TK – From what I hear, it’s very positive. The government has had an extremely good year and they’re all looking positively at the future.
Interviewer – Is that because you don’t want anyone to look at your record?
TK – Ha ha, of course not. We’ve successfully done heaps of things and we’re looking forward to moving forward and making forward progress in the future which is where all future progress will be and we don’t intend to get stuck looking back at the past.
Interverviewer – Exactly what do you see as your achievements?
TK – Now there’s no need for hostile questions like that, we’ve achieved a lot. Australia is still here and nobody listening to this has died which is all down to the PM and his government.
Interviewer – But people did die from Covid and some would argue…
TK – Some people are always prepared to argue. All I’m saying is that most of our success is in front of us and that’s why we’re not going to be looking backward.
Interviewer – Specifically, can you name a government achievement from 2021?
TK – Apart from all the lives we saved? Well, what about our commitment to net zero by 2050? That’s a pretty big achievement!
Interviewer – But you used to say that there’s was no point in committing to a target unless you knew how you’d get there…
TK – Technology not taxes, that’s how we’ll get there.
Interviewer – What does that mean?
TK – It means that we won’t tax people and we’ll give lots of money to the fossil fuel companies so that they can see if they can come up with something that reduces emissions?
Interviewer – Won’t this come from taxes?
TK – Not theirs because we don’t want them to pay any!
Interviewer – But doesn’t someone have to pay…
TK – Look let’s not get bogged down on this one glorious achievement, we’ve got plenty more. We’ve got pages and pages of legislation ready for the delivery of a federal integrity commission.
Interviewer – So why haven’t you introduced it?
TK – You’ll have to ask Labor that?
Interviewer – Is that because you don’t have an answer?
TK – No, it’s because they’re refusing to have a bipartisan approach and we can’t introduce legislation this important unless they agree.
Interviewer – But that hasn’t stopped you introducing other bills such as the Religious Freedom bill…
TK – Well, that’s because a bill like that is too important to wait till everyone agrees. The Religious Freedom bill is there to differentiate between the good people who care about things and those who would follow the path of evil like Labor and The Greens.
Interviewer – Aren’t Labor supporting the bill?
TK – Not without looking at parts of it first which suggests that they’re really just supporting it to take it off the table. But let’s not focus on the past, let’s move forward and look at the future. The future, that’s what counts.
Interviewer – Ok, so what about the Jenkins report will you be implementing all 28 recommendations?
TK – It was a shocking report, truly shocking and let me say that, it was no surprise to any of us, but let me point out that all parties have problems and it wasn’t just us.
Interviewer – Yes but, as you say, let’s not dwell on the past, are you going to implement the recommendations?
TK – I’d like to remind you that we were the party that commissioned the report and we did this, thanks to complaints from our staffers, so really it’s something that the government should take a lot of credit for.
Interviewer – The recommendations?
TK – Yes, they’re in another booklet. We’ve released more booklets than any other government in history and if it wasn’t for this, why the whole printing industry may have gone under in the recent pandemic…
Interviewer – What is your plan for the recommendations?
TK – I’m glad you asked that because we certainly have a plan, unlike Labor, and it’s an excellent one.
Interviewer – Would you like to give us the plan?
TK – Well, first we’ll look at the recommendations in Cabinet and then we’ll form a working party to device how we can best work through the booklet in a way that maximises the opportunities for genuine change and then that working party will co-opt various people to make a report which will then be given to the PM in the form of a booklet which he can show the press, so that they’ll all know that we haven’t been idle.
Interviewer – But exactly what action to improve things for everyone and females in particular will the government be taking?
TK – Look I can’t pre-empt the working party. Sorry but I going to have to go.
Interviewer – Oh, do you have another interview?
TK – No, it’s just one of the end of year parties will be in full swing and if I don’t get there soon, I might miss the stripper.
Interviewer – Thanks for your time.
TK – See you next year after I get preselection.
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