Even if one doesn’t frequent that cause of so much misinformation, social media, and merely relies on the reliable sources such as Sky After Dark, one will undoubtedly have learned that our society has been overrun by woke communists and Marxists. While those of you who haven’t read “Das Kapital” – and even those of you who have – may not be familiar with Karl Marx’s ideas on feminism, LGBTI+ rights, Black Lives Matter protests, the Middle East and a whole range of other things that seem to define a Marxist these days. 

Yes, our teachers are Marxist, the media are socialists, and the Albanese government are a bunch of communists. The evidence for this is clear: Bronwyn Bishop told us so and if you can’t believe someone who understands that a helicopter gets you places a whole lot faster than a car and only those left wing types who think that the money could be better spent on poor people don’t understand that we live in a capitalist system that relies on people like her spending money so that it trickles down from chartered flights to the average person in the street… Maybe not the people who are actually living in the streets but those who walk it everyday, which they wouldn’t need to do if only they didn’t rely on the government for handouts and made something of themselves by working harder; they too could be taking helicopter rides instead of walking!

All of which brings me to taxation. We know that Labor governments are all socialists because they insist on taxing us more. At this point, I’m sure that someone will use some tricky statistic such as the fact that it was the Howard government that had the highest ratio of tax to GDP, or the fact that if a government is delivering surpluses then that means that they’re taking more revenue than they’re spending which is just fine if they’re a believer in the capitalist system, but evidence of them crushing our initiative if they’re a Labor one. As everyone knows, it’s only the tax system that stops your average person from taking on an extra shift and with the help of some sensible investment, they could be as rich as Elon Musk in just a few short years. 

In order to write this piece, I thought that a should do a bit of research into the history of taxation in an effort to discover which communist government invented the whole idea and what I found was one of those surprising things like the fact that money doesn’t make people happy. A good example of this is when you listen to people like Alan Jones who was paid millions to talk to us on radio and most of the time, he was angrily complaining about how terrible everything was.

Taxes were, in fact, introduced by rulers such as kings and emperors! Amazing, I know. Apparently, the idea was that they were giving people protection by allowing them to live in their own country and that in return for this, the rulers would extract a certain amount of what the peasants produced in order to have the funds to raise an army should the need arise. Of course, in many cases the army consisted of the peasants themselves but this is just how the whole capitalist system benefits everybody. The rulers would take stuff from the peasants which they would turn into gold and such, and then they’d stamp their heads on the gold and call it money and then they’d use the money to pay some of the peasants to join the defence forces, as well as sometimes hiring foreign mercenaries in case the peasants realised that they actually outnumbered all the kings and the people he’d given land and titles to. Naturally, because so few people could read and write, there was very little chance of this happening. This is another reason that today’s schools can be considered Marxist because, as well as reading and writing, some of them also encourage critical thinking which can lead to them questioning why some people get to ride in expensive cars, while others don’t even have a car to sleep in.

All of this leads to the inescapable conclusion that if it’s Marxist to impose taxes, does that mean that all those rulers who invented the taxation idea were socialists? And, if they were socialists, should we be swearing allegiance to a King who descends from such people, and who perpetuates the system to this day? Should we instead insist that Australia break with the monarchy and remove all taxation? 

Yes I realise that this would mean that there was no way to pay for government services but if we weren’t taxed then after a few generations, we’d all have enough money to pay for our own security and build our own roads. All right there’s a bit of a problem in the meantime, but Rome wasn’t built in a day even though all roads apparently lead to it, in spite of that one near my house which insists that it’s a dead end and doesn’t lead anywhere. 

Whatever, it’s worth remembering the next time that one of those monarchists complains about government spending that it was thanks to those communist kings and emperors that we have this whole system where the person in charge thinks that they have a right to take a portion of what we earn in return for some sort of collective good. How much more socialist can you get than that?