By Elizabeth Dangerfield  

Here is a Users’ Manual for screwing the Earth. Screwing the Earth is not difficult providing you are prepared to be forceful and deceitful. There are thousands of experts out there who think they know a lot about the planet and even more soft people who really care about the Earth. Once they get wind of what you are doing, they will not like it. Not to worry, they are so nice and generous-hearted that they are unlikely to make much of a fuss and with a bit of grit you will triumph over these reasonable and caring people. By the time most people realise what you are up to it will be too late to turn back the clock. The Earth will be well and truly stuffed like the proverbial turkey at Thanksgiving.

Personal Prerequisites

Cultivate the following qualities if you really want to screw the Earth big time. If you are lucky, they may come naturally.

Firstly, have absolute confidence in yourself. Know that you are always right and incapable of making a mistake. A bit of narcissism goes a long way. Practice the following mantra in the mirror – I am the greatest, I know best, I am a stable genius. Then when you are out and about share your high opinion of yourself with others – tell them that you are so good you can make (insert the name of whatever country you like) great again and overcome all obstacles (or build them to stop those undesirables coming into the country).

Of course, for people to be convinced you can walk on water make sure they never see the hoverboard you are zooming along on. So never ever read any reports about threats to the Earth, never pay any attention to so called experts and certainly don’t ever meet with them. What a waste of time that would be when you already know everything. You are better off knowing how to manipulate people and win arguments rather than being able to think critically or see the consequences of your actions. Instead, just trust your intuition, make sweeping generalisations and ignore the details. Keeping it simple really helps the public understand after all.

Of course, an intuitive understanding of a situation only works well if it is based on lots of information and experience gathered over time. But don’t worry, you are a big picture person and let someone else look after the details, but of course if you don’t like their advice just ignore it – you know best. Sometimes projects won’t turn out as expected. Sometimes the wind will blow down the greatest wall Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Scott Morrison have all experienced let downs. None of these failures were their fault. Really! Just like you they are incapable of making a mistake.

If it happens to you tell everyone it must have been those useless minions, that you’ve sacked them all and here is a new project they will just love. Don’t let your failures teach you anything. Just make sure you cover up anything that looks like a mistake and stoutly deny there was anything wrong with what you did. After all you are an honourable man, and all your supporters are honourable men and women. People like the idea of honour so extol the virtues of the military whenever you can whilst using them as your own private campaign army.

Say without a hint of modesty, that you know more about climate change than anyone in the known universe because you are so intelligent that you have just absorbed it all by osmosis without looking up a single fact. You do not need to read reports or take advice that is how amazing you are. Anyway, all those facts are just very inconvenient truths that get in the way of what you want to do like securing donations from the fossil fuel industry, getting influential media barons on side and looking after your own interests. It helps if you have some personal creed that gives you absolute certainty that you are the one, such as “greed is good”; “I am one of the chosen ones and God is going to reward me”; or “I went to Eton and I am entitled”, or “I was born rich and I deserve to be even richer”.

Now some experts say that people who are convinced they are utterly right, but have no qualifications, expertise and little, if any, experience in a subject are stupid people. Not stupid in the sense of having a low IQ (although plenty of people with high IQs can be really stupid) but stupid in the sense of having no insight into their own limited knowledge, abilities, motivations and prejudices.

Normally it seems to become expert in a field, people delve into a subject, they begin to get the hang of it and think they are quite clever. As they drill down more deeply, they realise how much there is to know and are rather overawed. They see how complex things are in the real world – there is no black and white. They become quite humble. In other words, they become wimps. You don’t want to be a wimp you want to be forceful. You want to keep things simple and you certainly don’t want to ever question anything or change your mind. You have never done that in your life! It is wonderful how you can be a buffoon and still get elected.

Now if you are going to screw the Earth through your greatest asset wilful ignorance, you will need to hone the following skills to a razor-sharp edge.

Obfuscate

It helps you are good at obfuscation whereby you seem to be saying something meaningful but when people go away and think about it, they are confused. Obviously, they blame themselves for being intellectually inadequate.

Denial

You should be able to deny climate change is a problem with a completely straight face. The shock jocks should be able to give you a few tips here “the climate has always changed, we had ice ages and even hotter periods before”; “We’ve always had bushfires, droughts, cyclones, tsunamis – you name it”. “It is not called a Sunburnt Country – that we love – for nothing!” This is great because it makes people feel we are all part of a normal, natural cycle and anything natural can’t be too bad.

Delay

Delaying tactics are really useful too – “We will think about phasing out coal when we it is uneconomical to dig it up”; “We will talk about what caused the bushfires in winter” (although we already know the answer – those long-haired greenies and leftist arsonists). “How can we think about blame when people are suffering so much.” It all sounds most reasonable.

Dilution

If you really have too, you can concede that may things are getting teeny weeny bit warmer and “Well, maybe climate change is a thing, but lots of other things are more immediate causal factors for bushfires – the drought, lightning strikes, arsonists, inadequate pre-cautionary ‘burn offs’ (bloody greenies limit that), overly-restrictive land clearance laws (bloody greenies again!).

Distraction

You should be able to head off criticism at the pass with this technique by basically changing the topic “Stop going on interminably about doing more to reduce carbon pollution! We’re doing our bit. We’ll meet our targets ‘in a canter’! … The focus now should be on strong Religious Protection laws! That’s the main priority! That, and stronger laws to rein in the terrible menace of trade unions!” and “what particular bushfire was started by climate change?” “Forget reducing carbon emissions we need to adapt and develop some resilience!” Soon the audience will be running off in all directions.

Now if you are going to get away with these strategies you will need to be forceful. And if you are going to be forceful you need to enjoy being dominant over others. This is particularly good if people are feeling a little insecure and fearful. Having a strong ego, a feeling of entitlement that goes with thinking of yourself as the biggest gorilla in the jungle really helps. And there are perks like being able to grab women’s pussies, treat tax-payers’ money as your personal supply of largess to give away as you wish, go on holidays when you want, and being in a B class remake of ‘Love Actually’.

Nothing shows dominance more than a handshake. There are two ways of doing this. First, start off with a normal handshake but firmly yank your co-shakers hand towards you so they are thrown off balance. The second method is to reach down and grab un-proffered hand and give it a good rousing shake. That really puts them in their place.

Look, there is no room for empathy in this game of screwing the Earth. If you are going to screw the Earth well lots of people are going to die and lots of people are going to have a ghastly future, not to mention what is going to happen to all those cute furry animals. You just can’t afford to think of that, so it really helps if you are a sociopath. Lots of good leaders have been sociopaths. Hitler and Stalin spring to mind. It has even been estimated that 20% of corporate leaders are sociopaths. Sociopaths have no empathy for anyone. They operate on a ‘me and mine’ not a ‘thee and thine’ approach and even the ‘mine’ part can be a bit dicey. You wouldn’t get them cuddling a singed koala or hugging a bushfire victim unless there was a photo opportunity involved. They are thoroughly unethical and immoral and worse; they are casually cruel. They like having power over others. Sounds good doesn’t it?

If you are not a sociopath, then the strategies in Part 2 may help bring out your inner fascist. If that sounds unreasonable you can just convince yourself that all of what you are doing is for the common good (well at least for the good of those who deserve goodness which are people like yourself) even if some wimpy people have their doubts and a few under-serving (usually the disadvantaged leaners) lose out. After all the end justifies the means; I wonder which dictator said that?

Continued with Manual for screwing the Earth – Part two: Strategies (i)