Ex-minister, Simon Crean, announced today that Labor was failing to get its message across, because of a lack of focus on the main issues.

“Instead of concentrating on the PM’s achievements in China, we’re focusing on irrelevant things like whether the country is getting enough benefit from the mining boom, or education funding. I mean, just the other day I received a number of messages from people saying who gives a Gonski about education, and I thought, exactly, no-one cares about education. Julia needs to get a grip on things. Instead of talking about the things that matter, we seem to be concentrating on ourselves. Every time you pick up a paper, the headlines have someone like me saying how hopeless we are. Is that any way to run a campaign?

“If you ask me, and the Prime Minister doesn’t for some reason, even though I was a successful Opposition Leader until the party dumped me, no-one cares that Julia has red hair. I don’t know why we keep bringing it up.”

Mr Crean was meant to be speaking to a gathering of Kevin Rudd supporters, but unfortunately forgot to check if any of them knew that the meeting was on. Undeterred, Mr Crean gave his speech anyway.

“I think we need to stop living in the past, and get back to the glory days of when Hawke and Keating managed to screw the pilots’ union. There was no class warfare back then. No-one was talking about whether Hawkie’s bum was too big. And there’s no way that those two would have planned a trip to China while the news on James Hird was breaking.

“We’ve accomplished a lot in Government, but for some reason, the media seem obsessed with leadership speculation. Let me say categorically, I support the PM, and I’m not challenging, but I think she really needs to start listening and spruiking her achievements.”

When asked how she could listen and spruik at the same time, Mr Crean said that others in the Party should be selling a more positive message. “I think it’s time to put the leadership issue to bed. Rudd’s not challenging. And I’m certainly not challenging. I’m not even counting the numbers. I’m loyally supporting the Prime Minister by letting her know what she needs to do. If you people choose to make that the front page story, and to suggest that there’s some sort of rift there, I can’t help that.”

Mr Crean said that there was no truth in the rumour that he was to be part of a delegation to be sent to North Korea in the hope of calming down the situation.