Dear Tony
It’s over. We’re done. You need to pack up your stuff and leave.
It’s not us – it’s you.
I’d like to say it’s been fun – but it hasn’t has it? It’s been incredibly painful.
We tried giving you hints – but you don’t listen do you? You’ve never listened – not to anyone but yourself.
This can’t be a surprise. Surely even someone as narcissistic as you must realise that you can’t keep lying to everyone and get away with it. And for the record – repeating something over and over again doesn’t make it true, no matter how much you think it does.
And get some new things to talk about will you? Nobody wants to hear the same old stories over and over again – how you think you’ve stopped the boats – when you haven’t. Or how you scrapped the mining and carbon taxes for your good buddies – the Mining and Resources companies – and made us pay for it.
I wish we could say that we’d like to stay friends, but well – you’re an embarrassment. You’re a laughing stock around the world. And that’s not people laughing with you – they’re laughing at you and your coal fetish. (Seriously – who loves coal?)
The only countries that don’t find you funny are our Pacific Island neighbours. They don’t find you or Peter Dutton funny at all.
I could keep going – but instead I found us the perfect break-up song. It was written by Lily Allen when the American people said good-bye to George W. Bush.
So in the words of Lily Allen, Tony:
F* you. F* you very very much….Please don’t stay in touch.
In fact, why don’t you get on one of those little orange boats you’re so proud of – we’ll even throw in a Border Force plush toy – and head back to the UK where you came from? I think you’ll find they love people arriving in boats nearly as much as you do. And I’m sure Prince Phillip will be keen to celebrate his knighthood from earlier this year with you.
Goodbye – and don’t let the door hit you on the way out…
The Australian People
P.S. Feel free to take any of your good buddies with you.
This article was first published on ProgressiveConversation.
