By Nicholas Beelzebub Lucifer
I was a bit disappointed not to be invited to Cop 29, the 2024 United Nations Climate Change Conference. But cheered up by the fact that anybody who’s really anybody is boycotting this fossil fuel financial talkfest anyway – Chinese President Xi Jinping, US President Joe Biden and Indian Prime Minister Narendra. Heck, even little U.S. hanger-on Australia, is not sending their little man.
And, I can assure you, that even though uninvited, I have had an influence on these gatherings right from the start. International climate action began with the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) in 1992, but, really, nothing substantial happened until the Kyoto Protocol in December 1997, when nations sort of agreed to cut their greenhouse gas emissions. I happily predicted that this was doomed to failure, with the USA refusing to sign up, with China not included, and emissions target reductions woefully inadequate. Meanwhile, the many Conferences of the Parties (COPs) held since 1995, have had the aim of reducing global warming, but with little effect.
My minions have worked on behalf of the polluting industries, and little Australia has been especially ingenious in appearing to support climate action, right from its original reluctance to sign and ratify Kyoto, through to its later ingenious use of carbon credits, to weaken climate action, despite its Kyoto and later Paris 2015 climate commitments. Look, I do acknowledge those tireless operators from many countries, who forwarded my interests – people like Mike Pomeo (who’s gone on to my greater causes – weapons and war), and Charles and David Koch, and the many thousands of well-paid lobbyists for fossil fuel companies. I do have a soft spot for Australia’s Scott Morrison, (who has now joined Pompeo in the “defence” area). It’s been so encouraging – in 2023 – the work of Sultan Ahmed Al Jaber, and now Azerbaijan’s President Ilham Aliyev at Cop 29 – “Oil and gas are a ‘gift of God’.” But now it is time to take things into my own hands. So, while Brazil planned for COP 30 is a reasonable venue choice – (I’m happy that President Lula da Silva is boycotting COP 29) – well, it’s not adequate. COP 30 should be held in my capital – CorporateHub, Hades.
I’ve waited a long time, since I was so unjustly expelled from my top position in that pompous smug country up above, that tries to boringly suck up souls. Indeed, since then, my goal has been to “go up and down, to and fro in the earth, seeking to destroy the souls of men.” I’ve had moderate success, with quite a few men. Women have been more difficult, but they shouldn’t count anyway. Indeed, if we can eliminate abortion, contraception, family planning etc, they’ll soon be put back in their place.
Mightily powerful and great as I am, I could use a bit of help from the human species. And now comes the time of opportunity. Not only is the USA President boycotting the current climate conference, but the President-elect, Donald Trump is strongly on my side on this climate matter(and on quite a few others!).
Under Trump the USA will:
- again withdraw from the Paris agreement,
- end climate reporting and regulation, politicising Environmental, Social, and Governance (ESG) criteria and related climate policies,
- hinder the renewable energy transition by gutting Biden’s Inflation Reduction Act (IRA).
His appointments to his coming administration brings joy to my heart: they mostly focus on my other favourite causes – like hatred of China, and support for Israel’s genocide of Gazans. But I’m sure that Trump will bring thorough attention to the climate issue. He’s starting by choosing Lee Zeldin to lead the Environment Protection Agency. I am disappointed that he’s excluded my old friend Mike Pompeo. But there’s plenty of time to remedy that, when Donald moves on from those primary causes. Happily the great Elon Musk used to be on the side of the climate activists – but now, dedicated to colonising Mars, Elon is back in my camp. In the meantime, COP 29 is making a good start. Papua New Guinea’s pulled out of the climate summit due to frustration over “empty promises and inaction”. Squabbles over finance are the big thing now, in notoriously corrupt Azerbaijan. Already, Argentina has withdrawn due to dissatisfaction over climate finance negotiations. UN Secretary-General António Guterres warns of “a stampede of greed that crushes the poor.” There are so many COP goals that interfere with mine, and with corporate interests – the main goal – cutting back to net zero greenhouse gas emissions is ridiculous and intolerable! Fortunately the big new thing, AI, just boundless energy, boundless fossil fuel emissions, and then radioactive emissions from nuclear power. Then there’s the absurdity of cutting back on water use, and on deforestation. Oh it’s a good new era for me, and all my fellow fallen cherabim, and for our all our devout corporate, political and media followers.
So, I look forward to a robust discussion on the way forward for future COP climate summits. We will ban that disgusting Antonio Guterres and his ilk. We will have a truly glorious international, intergalactic meeting in my capital city CorporateHub, in Hades – the really appropriate venue for depicting the Earth’s future.
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