There’s a lot about Scott ‘Poo Bear’ Morrison that can be explained away by the fact that he’s just another RWNJ with a RWNJ agenda. Also, he’s an acknowledged finalist in the contest of no ideas with his charisma and sex appeal registering somewhere around ‘check-your-phone-to-avoid-eye-contact’ level. But he’s not unique in those aspects; John Howard’s lugubrious presence would suck the joy from a box of kittens and Tony Abbott’s asinine, bow-legged, red-sluggoed, hairy macho affectations took weird to a whole new level. What is it about Poo Bear that makes him different though? And just how weird is he?
Howard was mean and tricky, a master of the dog-whistle and the wedge, a divider and the architect of the nastiness that forms the foundations of today’s wretched L/NP regime. He wasn’t weird so much as very, very nasty – an individual who has done incalculable damage to this country. Morrison has embraced much of Howard’s poisonous politics but he’s a different sort of character – it’s Howard’s suburban solicitor guile vs Morrison’s spin merchant claptrap.
Abbott, the simian seminarian, is clearly a weirdo, perhaps due to a lonely childhood spent hiding in the shrubbery and his religious indoctrination and with too many punches to the head all manifesting in a life of serial failure and the spiteful mendacity of his thwarted, delusional ambition. Abbott’s talents suggest a suitable post-politics career with sandwich board and loudhailer pointing at brown people and shouting at pigeons. But Abbott’s weirdness is not the same weirdness as Poo Bear’s.
Poo’s odd-bod foreign contemporaries are of note also. Alexander Boris de Piffle Johnson is a £5 haircut on an unmade bed, a chancer and a spiv; and of course there’s the citrus Caligula himself, Donny T.
Boris Johnson, pretend fishslap dancer
Although born in New York Boris De Piffle is a product of England, the green and pleasant land of the class system, fagging, would-be posh twats punting in boaters, the Sex Pistols, cheese rolling, socks with sandals, Morris dancing, Fawlty Towers and the Robin Reliant. It has towns called Curry Mallet, Nether Wallop, Mudford Sock and Great Snoring. It’s a country where small, public transgressions of etiquette will earn a severe tutting from strangers, it’s a place that elected Maggie Thatcher and then enthusiastically celebrated her departure for the great beyond with street parties. England is a celebration of the off-beat, it’s a soggy, windswept home to the charmingly eccentric. That all helps explain Boris De Piffle who amped up his Englishness to Monty Python as reality TV – the voters liking what they thought of as his ability to be “real.”
De Piffle’s buffoonery is a calculated deception. The “lovable rogue” persona is cover for his willingness to say almost anything to win, his poverty of ideas and his absolute focus on personal power all hidden behind a contrived, bumbling affability. Does that sound like someone closer to home?
Lynton Crosby, the Lying Nasty Party’s svengali for election dirty tricks teamed up with Johnson on his 2008 bid for the London mayor’s gig and was in his ear in his manouvering for the British PM job while Crosby’s company C|T Group claimed a share of the glory in Poo Bear’s come-from-behind victory in our election. Affable eccentric Boris / daggy dad ScoMo – just a weird coincidence I’m sure.
Deckstain Donny and his Strumpettes
Donny Trump is not so much weird as fully mental, a bubbling cauldron of raving dementia whose orange head is a tweet away from an explosion of fetid offal.
Poo Bear Morrison’s support act for Deckstain at the White House was scheduled not so much in recognition of Australia’s “special relationship” with the U.S. nor as acknowledgement of Morrison’s vague talents or unmagnetic personality but, as with all things Trump, it was all about Trump. Donny the malignant narcissist has to be, as always, the star with Morrison as the enthusiastic flunky – number 2 if you like.
The whole shebang was ramped up to blackhole level on the suckometer; a state reception was the event horizon of the colossal, all-consuming vortex that is Trump’s madness – once within its gravity field there can be no escape. Return favours have already been called in. Australia has been sucked into the alternative universe that is Trumpworld.
At the risk of mixing metaphors it should be said that a rational national leader would foresee that being feted by His Effluence was akin to catching the bouquet at a funeral but I suspect Morrison was too enthralled, not just by the office of POTUS, but by the debauched personality that currently infests it.
At face value the two men are chalk and cheese. Billionaire grifter vs daggy suburban dad. Frotteurist vs happy clapper. Sexualiser of daughter vs brainwasher of daughters. Deranged paranoia vs sly manipulation. So why the cow-eyes from Morrison, why the lovesick smirk? If Morrison had had any hair he would’ve flicked it over his shoulder with a toss of the head and a wink, and then to avoid mixed messages thrown in a full Oyster-Vision redux of Sharon Stone’s famous scene in Basic Instinct.
I have no doubt that Poo Bear sees in Trump’s purported billions a blessing from on high – holy endorsement from the Zegna-suited, Moet-sipping Jesus of Nazareth Country Club. Additional evidence of godly providence is to be found in Trump’s miracle win over Hillary in 2016 ala his own god-approved win over Shorten.
Perhaps Poo also sees a role model, a mentor whose brazen lying, disregard for decency and dismissal of conventions and institutions provides a guide for his own ambitions. He’s already headed down that path so is he looking for tips and ideas on how far he should take it?
Learning from the big boys
The crime spree that is the Trump presidency provides inspiration for the copycat criminals of the Lying Nasty Party. Trucking tax-payers’ money to friends and family is the foundational ideology of the IPA (trading as the L/NP Pty Ltd) but it’s the Yanks who are known for their mastery of crony capitalism so there are lessons to learn, contacts to be cultivated, new friends to schmooze, more money to be made. Trump can open doors should Poo drop his drawers.
Broad church coffers
The gospel according to Poo and his fellow Jesus-shoppers is one of selective prosperity – rich folk are rich because they are righteous and poor folk are poor because they are not. The land of Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Falwell, Jim & Tammy Faye Bakker and their odious ilk offers unlimited potential for bilking the credulous in the god-approved cause of turning a buck.
When asked, Poo refused to deny that he’d suggested that a wealth consultant and rapturist (let’s call him Pastor Al Dente) should join the other mega-rich groupies on the tour. Private prayers in transit seeking further sales leads from the Big Guy in the sky could’ve perhaps been a motivation for including Pastor Al in the retinue. Fellow ooger-boogers in the Trump camp are Veep Mike Pence (Bobblehead McCormack’s separated twin) and Secretary of State Bomber Pompeo. Could an introduction to these two well-placed Armageddonists provide credibility and access to a cornucopia of evangelicals’ business plans? Growing the franchise, yeah?
This, of course, is all speculation – the sort of speculation that would be generated should Morrison have been dumb enough to invite a millionaire prosperity gospellor to accompany him.
What’s the catch?
There’s no free lunch when Deranged Donny is involved. Quid Pro Quo++. Not a problem for Poo, he’d hung a for rent sign on his arse before the wheels of Shark1© had left the tarmac.
A bummer for Downer
Is Lord Downton-Abbey of Adelaide to be sacrificed to service Trump’s unhinged paranoia? Our Ambassador in Washington Sloppy Joe Hockey laid the groundwork – obtaining the bus timetable in readiness for the vehicular transformation of Alexander Downer to roadkill. As a sop to the orange fruitcake Sloppy volunteered to “assist” with investigations into our puffy, plummy-vowelled ex-diplomat’s role as a deep-state Clinton operative.
While many people have thought of Downer as a plant it was only ever in botanical terms. Downer’s James Bond credentials are limited to bugging the East Timorese to facilitate the further theft of their oil and gas, all in line with standard Tory behaviour, so the idea that he’s an agent of the left is laughable; but his discomfiture is hugely amusing. A pompous, elitist Tory twat is now on the receiving end of a RWNJ pineapple suppository.
How far will Morrison go in aiding and abetting the combed-over cockwomble’s crimes, assisting his desperate attempts to discredit Robert Mueller by scalping Downer? Downer’s quavering bottom lip will at least provide “Witness K” and Bernard Collaery with an opportunity to indulge in some justifiable shadenfreude.
Titanium man with a tin ear
Being obsequious to US presidents is on all Australian PM’s checklists – it’s not a sign of weirdness. What’s weird about Poo’s behaviour though is his embrace of things Trump. The Trump Lite mannerisms – the thumbs up, baseball caps, flag lapel pins; the tribute band performance at a Wapakoneta box factory opening-cum-MAGA rally, the “fake news/Canberra bubble” and anti-globalism/UN rhetoric. Why has Poo turned orange when with every tweet and every utterance Trump megaphones his madness and his criminality? It’s possibly spin merchant Morrison tapping into the Trumpian anti-politician politician schtick but it’s still weird when Trump in Oz is as welcome as a fart in a phone box.
Poo Bear the weird cultist
Morrison’s shape shifting from Shouty the hard man, to his self-branding as ScoMo the reluctant PM, to daggy dad and champion of those who have a go was supplemented by a screen test of his pious persona – a bizarre spectacle of arm-waving, closed-eye praising of a choosey Jesus from who’s favour most of us are excluded unless we ante up 10% of our hard-earned as the price of admission.
The look was discomforting. Talking in tongues while awaiting the rapture is not your standard religious practice. This is the freakily weird ideology of a sociopathic theocrat, someone who’s empathy is available only when funded, a believer in the dogma of divine intervention in politics by a right-wing deity who wants his subscribers to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle until the imminent rapture when climate disasters and mass extinctions are irrelevant.
In countless ways the world is getting ever shittier. And one of the reasons that is so is because of the weirdos like Scott Morrison.
See also:
Looking for Scott Morrison – The rise, duck and weave of Australia’s no-fault prime minister. (The Monthly).
The terrifying appeal of Boris Johnson, according to a Johnson voter – Will the real Boris Johnson please stand up? (Quartz).
This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.
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“While many people have thought of Downer as a plant it was only ever in botanical terms. ”
Just brilliant Grumpy. The whole bloody thing but that line made me LOL!
Spot on, great article Grumpy Geezer!!
They are weirdos all right!
They are reminiscent of the motley crew that ran Germany in the thirties and forties of last century and their psychotic, fantasy riddled and sadistic tendencies and world view makes them a bit dangerous for ordinary people.
I do hope that we do not make the wrong turn next time.
Cheers Sunking and Neil, pleased you enjoyed it.
Vikingduk – we must fight these fascist munts every way we can. People are now taking to the streets – will it get to Hong Kong levels of dissent? Meanwhile, sarcasm, poking fun and invective should be deployed at every opportunity to prick their arrogance. And L/NP boosters and voters should not be spared.
I’m not sure I can embrace the image of Shouty Moralsnone as Pooh Bear. His cruelty, dishonesty and above all self-satisfaction are proven. Or is the misspelling an intentional pun on his true character?
PS: *whose
Trump “the citrus Caligula”! I laughed till I shat my pants!
Potoroo, Poo is intentional. Think Engadine Maccers: https://www.pedestrian.tv/news/scott-morrison-shat-himself-at-engadine-maccas-in-1997/
What is going on with his hair? Looks weird since he came back from NY. PC on fires this morning. Were no questions taken?
Brilliant, and you didn’t even mention the conspiracy theorists who apparently babysit for him 🙂 Hard to know whether to be sad or scared these days.
Oh grumpy you make me laugh and that is precious since the election loss I have had a bad case of the doldrums so your articles are much appreciated
@Vikingduke – your line “Looks at the orange thing, pleading in its eyes, did I do good, Donny? Donny says more tongue, snotty, get in them crevices.” Classic. Revolting, but classic!
Editor, would you be so kind as to note this fine example of a frustrated Australian voter and use it as the standard when evaluating my meagre submissions for publication. I was told by Her Indoors that I am “too cynical” …. but I takes me hat off to Grumpy Geezer ….. Sadly he is correct in every detail.
It is about time for all good Australian voters to stand up and be counted in favour of an Australian egalitarian government building Australia for Australian citizens rather than building the worst third world export economy in the OECD.
So clever! So correct. So enjoyable.
Thanks for the wonderful read, Grumpy.
Grumpy I will Sue you, I nearly had a fcking stroke reading that.
This is a recording of Howard at fifteen years old on a quiz on the Jack Davey show.. Speaking for myself I was chasing girls, wanking myself into oblivion and experiencing a hangover that only Stones Green Ginger Wine can give you. This is the young Howard it explains much. How people voted for this Fop will be one of life’s mysteries. He didn’t change much as an adult.He makes Boris Johnson sound like Sylvester Stallone.
Sooo ‘naughty’ and so very funny. Loved the article which has, underneath and in that clever writing a whole lot of serious truth about the current state of affairs ( here – – and over ‘there’ ). Nasty lot they are.
I am wondering if Sco-mo Grizzly ( poo bear is too cute imo ) has had his effect on the orange one, as much as that boofhead has had on him. Perhaps our non-esteemed leader has cow-towed to the orange head, but now – out of the blue, comes the most extraordinary ( to date ) utterings from the prime cleaner in the White House. Regarding his actions on the withdrawal of troops from Syria he maintains that “I, in my great and unmatched wisdom, etc. …. ” – so, does he now want to be seen as the great leader in the sky, just the way Scummo does, of the continuingly mocked and scorned Jesus who was a good Jewish man who said mostly positive things and advised well.
Punished for it – and still punished for it, particularly by his own devout followers.
I don’t count Trumpet as a follower – he follows the opposite.
Your turn of phrase GG always makes me laugh out loud 🙂
Please do not refer to The Machiavellian PM as Pooh bear?
Pooh Bear is a lovable child friendly character.
Morrison is just a poo.
The Guardian reports that Labor underestimated the Prime Minister.
I think Labor overestimated the Australian voters.
Labor underestimated what $60M could buy, and how many would accept the offer.
Thank you GG, spot on, the legend of Engadine, eh? I didn’t even know there was a place so named.
All the checks against a corrupt and undemocratic government have been stripped away.
One of the main features was an opposition that could sling mud and put forward a better government….. Sadly, Labor has not been clean enough to sling mud, so they try to make us think like their version of neo liberal hell is better than mr poos, but we know it’s not.
Adding, all the politicians, Labor, LNP and their smiling MSM assassins have demonised Climate Emergency. It’s all about the disruption and an ambo not making it to hospital in time.
We are truly, truly rooted. Time to go
And left out of this brilliant expose of the clowns is the fact that the ALP goes along with all their crap
Did REAL well in Queensland today, didn’t they Marilyn?
The share price for tasers just went through the roof.
I have always respected the weird. The word itself is weird, it has sound and feeling.
The rabbott has silence and hollowness. He is an amoral invertebrate. The fact that he is on the list of Australian prime ministers is a blight on the labor lemon and his extremists.
My grandkids may in 40 years time say grandpa was right to believe john howard was the worst man to be elected as PM and the rabbott was the worst PM.
Scummo is the scariest,his godliness is modern festive, light and hypnotic. His hypocrisy is unknown because his beliefs are secret. but his plans to privatise the ABC, destroy setka and the unions, to force christ on state schools stop the silly climate and gender nonsense and rid the system of lefty teachers and their union
The major scare is the support for his union laws, support for his welfare cheats initiatives and his resilience.
My take is that when added to his slogan ‘labor and the greens show that albo has a monumental task to destroy the lonp economic managers bullshit.
It is early but indicators are albo cannot compete and scummo looks likely to get a second term
Magnificent
Great read about the State of mendacity that is MorriSCUM & the IPA led LNP in Ozland with appropriate mention to the OS viruses that inhabit ultimate power in the United Dinner Plates of Ameika, and Boris’s uncoupled from sanity UK performance.
Thanks,I looked up “Frotteurist”
I laughed heartily. Especially at phrases like “suck the joy out of a box of kittens”,Downer considered to be” a plant but only in botanical terms”. Thanks.
This whole article is a feast of truths uttered in an ocean of metaphor and hyperbole. You know when a caricature masterfully reveals the inner sanctum, because it iterates and liberates something you could never have dreamt of and all the politeness in the world would have only gotten you into an inescapable pseudo mundane existence. Hat off to a master, ludicrously entertaining fact and fiction, to the point I can’t really tell the difference and glorious tongue twisting vocabulary that would have aliens rolling around all over their graviton matriarchs, which might get them into serious trouble.
Both President Fart and Prine Minister Scummo are frotteurs; they each rub ME up the wrong way.