With the exciting news that Tony Abbott intends to recontest his seat, I thought it was time to focus on people who say outrageous things. (For those of you who haven’t caught up with the news, ex-Prime Minister, Tony Abbott, spent Christmas discussing his future with his family and colleagues, and just yesterday announced that he was ignoring them all and making a “captain’s call”. It was thought best not to remind him that he was no longer “captain”, as took several days to get him out his room the last time anyone did that!)

So I thought we could play a little game of who said it: Trump, Murdoch, Mr. Burns or complete fiction? After each of the following quotes, you need to decide which – if any of them actually said it.

Ready?

Let’s go:

1. “If Hilary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she could satisfy America?”

2. “Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don’t make.”

3. “I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That’s were the fun is.”

4. “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.”

5. “I have made the tough decisions, always with an eye toward the bottom line. Perhaps it’s time America was run like a business.”

6. “You know that ISIS wants to go in and take over the Vatican? You have heard that. You know, that’s a dream of theirs, to go into Italy.”

7. “I think Ronald Reagan was one of the great presidents, period, not just recently. I thought he had the demeanor. I thought he had the bearing. I thought he had the thought process.”

8. “I’m a bit of a P. T. Barnum. I make stars out of everyone.”

9. “Obama does not like the issue of where he was born.”

10. “I have a great relationship with the Mexican people.”

11. “I guess this is the end. I just wish I’d spent more time at the office.

12. “You f*ckwit! You bastard! Get this f*cking newspaper out!”

13. “Unions have been responsible for winning higher wages and better working conditions for the average worker, but that’s not all they’ve done wrong.”

14. “Advances in the technology of telecommunications have proved an unambiguous threat to totalitarian regimes everywhere.”

15. “In motivating people, you’ve got to engage their minds and their hearts. I motivate people, I hope, by example – and perhaps by excitement, by having productive ideas to make others feel involved.”

16. “I’m considered homophobic and crazy about these things and old fashioned. But I think that the family – father, mother, children – is fundamental to our civilisation.”

17. “AUST gets wake-call with Sydney terror. Only Daily Telegraph caught the bloody outcome at 2.00 am. Congrats”

18. “We won”.

19. “Look, I could shoot myself in the head and not lose any brain cells!”

20. “My darling, since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak, I’ll be brief. Will you marry me?”

Answers:

Ok. Numbers 1-10 were all genuine Trump quotes. Number 3 is especially reassuring if he ever becomes President.

Numbers 11 and 20 were Mr Burns. (No, number 20 was not Murdoch’s proposal to Jerry Hall, and before you say that as we weren’t there, we don’t know, do you really believe that Murdoch would get down on his knees?)

Numbers 13 and 19 are pure fiction. Although Trump did say that he could shoot someone and not lose voters.

Numbers 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19 were all Murdoch.

• Number 12 was to a Sunday Times executive on the first night of printing in Wapping
• Number 14 explains his hostility to Labor’s NBN.
• Number 15 is self-explanatory.
• I don’t have the date on number 16 so I’m not sure whether it was before or after his previous marriage, but it was certainly before his recent engagement. Anyway the point is clear only straight people should have the right to marry several times.
• Number 17 was his tweet after the Sydney siege which some found offensive, because they didn’t understand Murdoch’s value system or complete lack of empathy.
• Number 18 refers to John Major’s surprise 1992 election victory. Why he uses the pronoun “we” seems a litte strange unless one is aware that rulers have always used the royal “we” and never say things like “I won” or “I am not amused” or “I would like you to f*ck that Labor arsehole and make sure that my man wins the election!”

So what do your scores mean:

More than 20: You have a problem with basic maths.

18-20: You are a know-it-all and run the risk of alienating friends and family by being a smartarse.

14-17: Not bad, you’ve been paying attention or else you’re on a winning streak and it’s a shame you used up so much luck here because now you’ll never win Tattslotto.

11-13: At least you know you didn’t cheat. Congratulations on your honesty!

Exactly 10: You answered Trump to everything, didn’t you?

Less than 10: You probably won’t read this because your time in the education system means that you still think that scoring less than fifty percent makes you a failure, whereas the very fact that you’re not reading this means is the beginning of self-esteem and doing something positive. If, however, you have decided to read this, let me point out that fifty percent is not always a pass. For example, would you worry if your doctor was only right percent of the time? Similarly, there are times when just getting a handful of things correct is enough to be considered a success. Take scientists, all they need is one discovery and they’ll be remembered for that forever. However, you’re not a scientist so I suggest you stop reading this and get back to work before the boss finds out how you spend your days!