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When Is A Magic Pudding Not a Promise? When A Silver Bullet Mixes Your Metaphors.

Image by 'That's Life'

Image by ‘That’s Life’

Recently elected, Secretary of Moyhdiddy Turf Club, Mr Hoe Jockey, has released the report from the Independent review that he had commissioned from his father-in-law, Mr Point, respected businessman, Mr Lot, and the well-respected ex-mayor, Ms. Amanda Simpleton. The report has concluded that, in fact, the Moyhiddy Turf Club will not be apply to save enough ink in printing costs by simply changing its name to MTC which was one of the platforms on which Mr Jockey, and the president, Mr Tiny Habit were elected leading some people to accuse them of breaking their pre-election promise. In an exclusive interview, Mr Jockey explains to me exactly why this is wrong:

Me – So is this a broken promise?

Mr Jockey – Absolutely not. Our main promise was to get the finances of the MTC back in order and we intend to keep that one.

Me – When exactly?

Mr Jockey – Look you have to understand that the previous administration left this club in quite a mess. Even though it was clear that other clubs in the area were going broke and folding, they continued to spend and run race meetings.

Me – Yes, but your club survived and is actually doing quite well.

Mr Jockey – We’re in debt! Don’t you understand? If we’d saved money by not running any race meetings last year, we’d be much better off.

Me – But wouldn’t there be a lot of people – you know trainers, strappers, jockeys, even catering staff – who wouldn’t have a job now?

Mr Jockey – But the debt. It’s ballooned out to almost as much revenue as the club turns over in a single race meeting.

Me – Weren’t you aware of the debt before you ran for office?

Mr Jockey – Of course, we’d been warning about it for ages.

Me – So wasn’t it irresponsible to make some of those other promises? Like not sacking the course racecaller.

Mr Jockey – We didn’t like the horses he was suggesting had won – the private racecallers all thought that my horse had won. Besides, we haven’t sacked him. We’re just reviewing which part of the car park he can call the races from and whether he actually needs binoculars.

Me – Well, what about those other promises. You know, free membership, increased prizemoney, abolition of the surcharge to fix bit of the track that floods, the campaign to get the Melbourne Cup brought here and so on…

Mr Jockey – Can I just stop you here? Our absolute priority is getting the club’s finances in order.

Me – Yes, but I’m just saying that you promised all these things knowing you’d need to break them.

Mr Jockey – We’re not breaking any promises. We keeping our main promise to return our budget to surplus.

Me – And when are you planning to do that?

Mr Jockey – Sometime after the next election.

Me – So you won’t be keeping any promisess until after the next election?

Mr. Jockey – Hang on, hang on, we’ve already stopped the people camping illegally in centre of the track.

Me – Yes, but you did it by shooting at them.

Mr Jockey – We were concerned that they may drown in the swamp.

Me – Just on that, how are you going to fix the track if you remove the surcharge that was going to help in draining the swamp.

Mr Jockey – We didn’t believe that the surcharge was going to fix anything. We were going to pay the local companies not to put their polluted water in the swamp.

Me – The companies that your Independent Committee run?

Mr Jockey – I’m not sure. What are you suggesting?

Me -So what happens if that doesn’t stop the track from flooding?

Mr Jockey – We’ll just tell people not to ride on that part of the track.

Me – But isn’t fixing the track a priority? I mean, you can’t run race meetings without a track.

Mr Jockey – You can’t run race meetings with a budget that doesn’t balance.

Me – Actually you can. You just need to make sure that you have a plan for ensuring that the debt doesn’t get too big. On the other hand, your plan to make the public responsible for running their own race meetings doesn’t seem like it’ll work to me.

Mr Jockey – We support personal responsibility. The age of the committee running race meetings is over.

Me – So no apology for all the confusion you seem to be causing?

Mr Jockey – Confusion?

Me – Well, you insist that the number one promise is getting the budget in surplus, but you can’t even tell us when you’ll do that!

Mr Jockey – Let me just remind you again, we have inheritted from the previous administration an untenable black hole and I intend to fill it.

Me – I think that would be an excellent idea, but could put the rest of your colleagues in it as well?

At this point, I thought it wise to conclude the interview as Mr Jockey was muttering rather angrily.


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  1. amarkone

    That is bloody brilliant, I’ve had my belly laugh for the day but I’ll take more of that if you decide to continue whipping the jockey man for his temerity and stupidity.

  2. The Trees

    We need you Ross Leigh to lift the pall of gloom which has descended on us Lefties.
    Like amarkone my sides are still aching from laughter.
    My Australian of the Year vote goes to the bloke (David Donavan ?) who started TAIMN.

  3. Kaye Lee

    I too have a smile on my dial 🙂 It is hard to make people laugh in the face of disaster but somehow you manage it every time Ross. Thank you. More power to your incisive wit!

  4. Kayla Flamenco Malaysia

    HAHAHAHA eerr I think. Very funny, clever and witty but alas …………
    What do you call a person who lies with a smile on their face?

  5. ShaunJ

    G’day All,

    Kayla Flamenco Malaysia May 3, 2014 • 11:23 am, Err, Tony Abbott.

  6. Stephen Tardrew

    There is so much truth in this very funny dialogue. I love good satire. Excellent read. Thanks for putting a smile on my dial.

  7. mars08

    Mr Hoe Jockey is trying to balance the budget by selling the stables. That should make the racetrack much more productive!

  8. Kaye Lee

    Abbott, May 2011, on Labor’s move to freeze the indexation of welfare payments to families earning $150,000:
    “These are class-war cuts that the government is inflicting on people.”

    Abbott in his budget reply speech, May 10, 2012:
    “The fundamental problem with this budget is that it deliberately, coldly, calculatedly plays the class war card … families on $150,000 a year are not rich, especially if they’re paying mortgages in our big cities.”

    Abbott in a speech on April 28, 2014:
    “But the best way to help families on $100,000 a year is long-term tax relief and more business and job opportunities, not social security.”

    Tony Abbott, February 10, 2011, in a speech to Parliament on Labor’s temporary levy after the Queensland floods:
    “Why should the Australian people be hit with a levy to meet expenses which a competent, adult, prudent government should be able to cover from the ordinary revenues of government? … The one thing [people] will never have to suffer under a Coalition government is an unnecessary new tax, a tax that could easily be replaced by savings found from the budget.”

    Abbott in a radio interview, April 29, 2014:
    “I think if there was a permanent increase in taxation that would certainly be inconsistent with the sort of things said before the election … I am committed to lower, simpler, fairer taxes. Do I say that no charges will rise? No, I don’t.”

    No wonder people keep thinking your satire is factual reporting ross

  9. Maree Elizabeth

    i love the AIMN much

  10. Stephen Tardrew

    Michael: think I went to spam land.

  11. Michael Taylor

    Stephen, we can’t find it in spam. 🙁

    Every morning we’re confronted with over a thousand comments caught in our spam folder to trawl through and sadly your comment wasn’t there. Sometimes – although very rarely – WordPress stuffs up after you’ve clicked the Submit button and the comment gets lost in cyber space. I apologise if this is what has happened to your comment on this occasion.

    The chances of this happening again are very, very slim.

  12. Stephen Tardrew

    Thanks heaps Michael.

  13. Tony Briggs

    Not as good as Clarke & Dawe last week

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