By Richard O’Brien

CSIRO scientists have announced they have discovered a new and virulent strain of the Hanson virus infecting Australian fauna. Following a major outbreak in 1996 the virus was eventually brought under control with the introduction of the Common Sense vaccine in 1998. Despite this, scientists have so far been unsuccessful in their attempts to completely eradicate the Hanson virus due to its ability to remain dormant for years while waiting for an opportunity to once again spread.

The virus is usually contracted when fauna comes into regular contact with horse or cattle dung. While most species of Australian fauna are susceptible to the virus – often resulting in prolonged periods of nausea and regular bouts of déjà vu – it is particularly prevalent in the subspecies Raciust Arseholus, better known as the common wanka.

The wanka can be found throughout most parts of Australia, often congregating in mobs around Andrew Bolt’s blog, talk-back radio shows and proposed locations for mosques. Possessing a generally obnoxious disposition, the wanka can become aggressively territorial towards many introduced species, despite being an introduced species itself. Wankas often adorn themselves in nationalistic paraphernalia to gain acceptance into the mob. Despite their jingoistic appearance, wankas spend most of their time carping on about how shit the country’s become, to anyone who’ll listen.

The introduction of the Federal Government’s Bigots Protection Act 2014 has led to a sharp increase in wanka numbers which, combined with recent outbreaks of Islamaphobia, have helped create ideal conditions for the Hanson virus to spread. This problem is further compounded by the fact that wankas are generally unresponsive to either the Common Sense or Rational Discussion vaccines.

A spokesperson for the CSIRO says scientists now believe they are close to a breakthrough in their quest to eradicate the virus.

“Despite its obdurate nature the Hanson virus is dependent on large doses of media exposure to survive”, the spokesperson said. “For the sake of maintaining Australia’s diverse fauna we are now asking all journalists in Australia to wash their hands thoroughly of all topics likely to be infected with the Hanson virus”.