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Turnbull’s Secret Plan … Or Is It Plan B?

“Just because the press gallery doesn’t know what I’m doing doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Malcolm Turnbull

“G’day.”

“G’day.”

“What you reading?”

“This fella’s got a theory about Turnbull.”

“A theory, eh?”

“Yep. He says that he was going to join the Labor Party, but then somebody convinced him that he could do more for the country if he joined the Liberal Party and made them unelectable.”

“That’s a bit hard to believe.”

“Yeah, but look at Turnbull’s performance since becoming PM. Apart from not dissociating himself from comments by Bernardi and Christensen, he’s started to float ridiculous proposals only to turn around and abandon them as soon as they’re criticised.”

“Still, I can’t see that Turnbull would be that self-sacrificing.”

“But what other explanation could there be. If there’s one thing worse for a politicians than having a knuckle-brained idea, it’s agreeing not to try and do it, because then everybody knows it’s a stupid idea. At least if you pretend that you still want to implement it, then you can still pretend it’s ok. If you don’t do that, even your supporters know that you clearly had a bit of a brain fade.”

“Seriously though.”

“Seriously. Why else do you think that the Liberals stuck with the Paid Parental Leave scheme for so long? And what about their NBN policy? And what other reason could the Nationals have for making Barnaby leader?”

“Nah, mate, you’re wrong. That’s not the reason for Turnbull’s poor performance. I know what’s happening.”

“OK then, what’s your theory?”

“Mine’s not a theory. I’ve been told by someone who’s a mate of someone who went to school with Lucy Turnbull who said that she told one of their mutual friends – off the record, of course – exactly what was going on.”

“Yeah, yeah, so what’s going on?”

“Well, Turnbull always wanted to be Prime Minister, and now he’s achieved his ambition.”

“Go on.”

“Nah, that’s it.”

“What do you mean, ‘that’s it’?”

“Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? He doesn’t have any reason to be in politics any more… I mean, when he first started he might have had a few ideas, but when he launched his challenge last year, he only got people to back him on the grounds that he wasn’t to actually do anything. And he thought it over and thought, ‘Well, I get to screw Abbott over, and add Prime Minister to my list of achievements’ and so he agreed to it.”

“But what’s that got to do with his pathetic performance?”

“Well, he’s got plenty of money. He’d probably rather be sipping cocktails, overlooking views of Sydney and writing his memoirs. And he’s probably got bored with sitting in Cabinet meetings and the like.”

“So why doesn’t he just quit?”

“He can’t do that. It’d make him look shallow and selfish. So instead, he’s decided to be so wishy-washy that we have no choice but to vote him out … That’s assuming that the Liberals don’t decide that they’d be better off going back to Abbott. Or perhaps even giving someone unknown a go. Preferably someone who nobody’s heard of.”

“You’re saying that he’s deliberately stuffing up to get out of Parliament?”

“Only plausible explanation. I mean, not even Abbott was this bad. At least when Abbott said something, you could be pretty sure that you needed to make a case against it, instead of this ‘We’re going to do this, maybe, no, no, we’re not, somebody didn’t like it, so it’s off the table, but we’ve got another idea, which…oh, that’s not going to work either, well, you can’t say that we’ve got no ideas’ business.”

“Yeah, I see what you mean.”

“According to my source, Malcolm goes home every night and says to Lucy that he’s tried just about everything and the Liberals still haven’t removed him. Sort of the opposite of House of Cards, they talk about what they can do to make sure that he gets to retire, but nothing seems to have worked so far. Then they shake their heads and wonder what more they can do.”

“Then again there is the most likely possibility.”

“What’s that?”

“That when it comes to politics, he really is as useless as he appears.”

 

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11 comments

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  1. olddavey

    “That when it comes to politics, he really is as useless as he appears.”

    Nice article Ross, but you could have saved a lot of your weekend by just using that last line!

  2. thebustopher

    LOL

  3. 2353

    You could be right, I hadn’t thought of it that way. About the only thing missing now is that he can take his ventures internationally, former Prime Minister opens a lot of doors – just ask Abbott!

  4. JeffJL

    “Nah, that’s it.”

    Classic. Nice work again Rossleigh.

  5. Arthur Baker

    There’s another possibility regarding this latest state-income-tax brain-fart. He never wanted it implemented in the first place, and only suggested it so that when the states and territories said no, he could forever afterwards say “you had you chance to raise your own funds, you knocked it back, now don’t come running to us begging for federal money”.

    Don’t believe me? Hah. He’s already started saying that.

  6. cowper133

    Could be that he was so humiliated when he was removed as Opposition Leader he’s just been biding his time to take revenge…on the whole party!!

  7. Duffa

    Being useless doesn’t stop you having an ego. His ego was strong to orchestrate the demise of Dr No. But useless in creating a tax policy until after COAG. The new tax policy is ‘we won’t raise taxes’
    He announced this in the guise of an old time bank manager who holds the state trust fund by historical accident announces you won’t get any more and you are to do what I say and in the manner I tell you.
    But Uncle Scrooge’s own performance on the board or as CEO has not been that stellar, consider NBN, Direct Action, Wind farm commissioner and usefulness of recent infrastructure spending.
    The true meaning of continuity with change is as long as Turnbull continues the more he changes into Abbott.

  8. roy johnson

    its seems to me that you cannot trust the liberal party they have shown this time and time again all they do is cripple the poor

  9. ImagiNation

    Don’t you find it at rather intriguing that the record for the Australian politician with the biggest mouth goes without doubt to Tony Abbott yet he is uncharacteristically quiet about being replaced by Malcolm (Clearfeller) Turnbull as PM? Equally intriguing is unlike every other defeated PM, Abbott hasn’t departed from politics with his tail between his legs but remains quietly in parliament on the back benches with a rather smug look on his face. Well it turns out the real reason Abbott was ousted is because he hadn’t earned the privilege of signing Australia into servitude under the TPP which apart from an act of war against China, is exactly what it does.
    Clearfeller on the other hand, as a former managing director and partner to Goldman Sachs and awardee of the 2001 Centenary Medal for Services to the Corporate Sector has earned that right. It would appear that for an un-elected Prime Minister, Australia is his oyster. No doubt his reward for his treachery will be his elevation in the pecking order of who’s who in the rapidly emerging One World Government. (which coincidentally is not elected either) As for Abbott, don’t be surprised if in the not too distant future his patience is rewarded (God help us) and is mysteriously re-instated to his former role of Prime Minister. The name Clearfeller by the way comes from the former Prime Minister of the Solomom Islands in relation to Turnbull’s repeated environmental violations.

  10. jimhaz

    Mal’s words when he became PM

    “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.”

    Personally I don’t get why people on the left are mocking Turnbull for being useless. Much better for all these grand plans* to fail. The less policy that comes out of the LNP mindset the better off we will be.

    * More accurately planned distractions or public softening up exercises.

  11. SGB

    It realy is beyond a joke actually, the fact is that we will by the time the election is over been almost 3 years without an effective government.

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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