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‘Tis the Season of the Interpretative Dance


By Edward Eastwood

Grab your hats and coats, and book your front row seat for The Flannel Follies.

Once again, the season of the interpretative dance is with us.

The time of the year when analysts and pundits of full shade and hue gather in anticipation and speculation on the forthcoming Budget, and the all important reading of entrails.

Props have been dusted off, pointers sharpened, green screen skills honed and the bespoke laid out.

This years orchestral accompaniment will as always, feature The Incredible Bullshit! Band who have been hard at in rehearsals.

The chorus line and extras are also limbering up, the ABS, Treasury, and The Reserve bank have been practicing their high kicks to the tune of ‘Do the Hockey-pokie’ under the watchful eye of the Maestro of Mirth; ‘Mad’ Matty Cormann.

To give them their due, the ABS has excelled itself in kicking off this financial quarter’s economic Eisteddfod, declaring that 37,000 new jobs have been created and unemployment has dropped from 6.8% to 6.1%.

According to the bean-counters, the total number of people with jobs rose by 37,000, part time employment increased by 6,100, and unemployment fell by 1,700. However, the number of unemployed looking for full time work increased by 700 while those unemployed looking for part time work decreased by 2,200.

Questions concerning whether or not any of the 700 luckless bastards applied for any of the 37,000 new jobs or whether the 2,200 part-timers beat ’em to it, were put aside as the ABS declared that Australia wide, the winner was NSW which accounted for 26,000 of these new positions.

Abracadabra – it’s a bloody miracle!

Not to be outdone at the Hootnanny of Hype, the banking and financial sectors also slipped on their dancing pumps in anticipation of the coming Hoedown.

The NAB’s chief economist cleared his throat and delivered the old standard “we-thought-that-there-would-be-a-cut-in-interest-rates-but-now-we’ve-changed-our-minds” while over at J.P.Morgan, the in-house glee club The Robber Baronets, presented their version of Into The Woods and hurrumphed their way through a rousing chorus of; “Aww…bullshit! We-don’t-think-so”.

This was only the warm-up for the big night however, and over the next few days the regular hoofers will take centre stage.

Greenwood will run through his usual impersonation of a Funeral Director expecting to be stiffed on the bill, while Kohler will wave his hands and attempt to hypnotise the audience into believing that he’s actually saying something and not just mumbling half finished ideas and sentences.

In the second row, McCrann, Hartcher, Quiggan, and Gordon… well, who really gives a monkey’s what they say.

It’s all about the dance.

The big question hovering over this years show is; will the ess word (Stimulus) be used right out loud or will it be slipped into the overture in the hope that no-one notices?

Mind you, the ess word has been out of favour with both performers and dancers since 2008 when Wayne Swan disgraced himself by playing La Petomane to the IMF’s Titania.

No-one’s saying anything, and leaks about this season’s production have been notably absent suggesting that it’s likely the ess word won’t be used at all, and be replaced by a snappy little number entitled; I’m so worried about tax avoidance.

Traditionally, this is followed by a monologue from a sock puppet concerning the plight of benighted billionaires and the need to cut wages, spending, and jobs, while the interpretative dancers pipe their eyes and form a Greek Chorus.

Spun from only the finest grade bio-dynamic bullshit approved as Halal and Kosher, analysis of the Budget is interpretative dance heaven.

So it’s “Overture, curtains, lights”, there’ll be no more rehearsing or nursing a part on Tuesday when the lights go down and the curtain goes up on the Porky Prince of Prestidigitation backed by The Incredible Bullshit! Dancers.

ps. Don’t worry too much if you can’t get a good seat on opening night, the show will drag on until at least July and replays will be be broadcast on nights of the full moon to sooth unruly Bedlamites and other malcontents.



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  1. DanDark

    Great article Edward,
    The pic at top reminds me of a song, its some think music for us the chattering class
    whilst we dissect the……….BUDGET 🙂

  2. Bronte ALLAN

    Look out Australia, here comes Tony Abscess, Prissy Pyne & Joe Wobbly to let us know all about their latest document of lies, half truths & desperate wishes, otherwise known as the 2015 Budget! Trouble is, the old 2014 Budget still seems to be “on the table”, so what happens now? Will we have a new Budget & a half of the old one? Good luck you lying mob of inept toe rags! Good luck to all the persons on Pensions, Welfare recipients, unemployed etc, it looks like we will get shafted even more than last year! Pity Joe Wobbly etc cannot find it in their “power” to chase ALL the wealthy Australians, ALL the multinational, International & local companies, ALL of them are tax dodgers of the worst kind. Never mind all the low paid workers, Pensioners etc will have to foot the bill, to ensure that Treasury coffers get more money! Bastards, the lot of these politicians & their money-grabbing policies! Never mind ALL the “perks” they get, & their obscenely wealthy super schemes!

  3. Phi

    Very amusing thanks Ed – it’s good to get a laugh whilst these deceitful bastards screw ordinary Australians of their last ten cents and grovel at the feet of the mongrel elites who paid for them.

    Thanks again for some great mental images.

  4. Loz

    The vulnerable suffer whilst this lot live the good life. What a despicable government.

  5. Kaye Lee

    From August 2013 to April 2015….

    The number of people employed increased by 87,500

    The number of people unemployed increased by 55,400

    The aggregate monthly hours worked increased from 1,650.0 million hours to 1,651.9 million hours.

    During 2013-14 the population increased by 364 900.

    When I rang Joe Hockey’s office to ask how they determine new jobs created they told me from job ads and the ABS. I asked how they determined which advertised jobs were new and which were existing vacancies (knowing full well they don’t). I also asked which statistic from the ABS showed new job creation (knowing full well they don’t). Needless to say I was summarily dismissed for not accepting their line du jour.

  6. Matters Not

    Yes Kaye Lee the ‘new black’ is a ‘Gish Gallop’, writ large.

    It’s a big problem (at least for those who are into serious analysis).

    The technique is simply to create ‘headlines’ that simply don’t stand up to any type of serious analysis.

    The MSM seem to always buy the sizzle, as the ‘headlines’ demonstrate, and only rarely do the ‘figures’

    More worrying is the fact that the ‘punters’ don’t realise they are being ‘conned’ or if they do, they don’t care.

  7. stuff me

    Only now did I get to see this article, love a good dance Edward!

  8. Kaye Lee

    Matters Not,

    I know figures are boring for most people which is probably why the MSM rarely engage in them – that and the fact that they need to produce ‘breaking news’ every day so going back over things is a luxury they do not consider worthwhile apparently. I do not expect many to share my penchant for numbers but hells, bells and cockle shells, an occasional burst of truth would be good.

    Mind you, having said that, there are notable exceptions in both the MSM and especially the online media.

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