Interviewer: Good evening, tonight we have Liberal Minister for Truth, Ima Lyre, who’s recently returned from a trip to Nauru. Good evening, Ms. Lyre.
Lyre: It is a good evening, just shows that there’s no need for that carbon tax, doesn’t it?
Interviewer: Sorry, I don’t follow.
Lyre: Well, you should. That’s what all the Murdoch journalists do.
Interviewer: I mean, I don’t understand.
Lyre: it’s perfectly simple. It’s a good evening. There’s no warming. Everything’s fine.
Interviewer: I don’t see how one evening…
Lyre: Are we here for an interview or for you to ram your opinion down people’s throat?
Interviewer: Ok, how would you rate your first 100 days in office?
Lyre: Well, of course, it’s not up to me to rate it. That would be arrogant. That’s the Prime Minister’s job. And he rates it A+.
Interviewer: Some of the opinion polls are suggesting that people are disappointed in your efforts so far.
Lyre: Well, that just shows that we have a lot more stupid left wing people than we thought.
Lyre: If they’re turning against us, then they must be left wing and therefore not worth listening to.
Interviewer: It doesn’t concern you that you might lose votes?
Lyre: I’m sure that these polls don’t reflect how people will vote at the next election. This is probably just a reaction to the fact that people are disappointed because the Budget emergency was far worse than we thought when we described as a catastrophe, so we’ve had to make some hard decisions.
Interviewer: Such as?
Lyre: We’ve had to cut back services to Aboriginal communities, the CSIRO and George Brandis’ library.
Interviewer: Now, you recently went to Nauru. How did you find it?
Lyre: Oh, the pilot did that. I just waited until we landed, and then walked off the…
Interviewer: How did you find the conditions there?
Lyre: I never heard any complaints.
Interviewer: You’re suggesting that the asylum seekers are perfectly happy?
Lyre: How would I know? I never spoke to any of them. And I wish you wouldn’t call them asylum seekers, can you call them by their correct name, “illegals”?
Interviewer: It’s not illegal to seek asylum.
Lyre: No, but it’s illegal to come by boat.
Interviewer: I don’t believe that it is.
Lyre: Both the PM and the Immigration Minister call them illegals, so they must be.
Interviewer: Just because a person says something it doesn’t mean it’s true. I mean I could say that Rupert Murdoch is an illegal immigrant – it doesn’t make it true!
Lyre: Yes, but you’re not Prime Minister, are you?
Interviewer: Anyway, how can you say that you had no complaints if you didn’t speak to the asylum seekers?
Lyre: I said that I didn’t hear any complaints. And obviously, if I didn’t speak to them I wouldn’t have heard any. Besides, they’re foreign. I wouldn’t have understood what they were saying anyway. I have enough trouble with Matthias, and he’s one of us.
Interviewer: One of us?
Lyre: I mean, a Liberal. You’re not going to twist that to suggest that I’m racist!
Interviewer: But what if they had a complaint. How can they raise it?
Lyre: Well they can tell the people looking after them.
Interviewer: What if the complaint is about the people looking after them?
Lyre: Then, they’re just ungrateful, aren’t they? Look, the weather was fine, rather like the last time I went to Bali, and their accommodation was fine, just like the last time I went camping. And I believe that the kids are getting as good an education as the locals on Nauru.
Interviewer: And how good is that?
Lyre: How would I know? I’m not Education Minister!
Interviewer: So, basically, you didn’t discover anything that you couldn’t have found out without wasting money actually going to Nauru?
Lyre: No, that’s not true. I found out that the Duty Free shop in Nauru isn’t worth the trip.
Interviewer: So it doesn’t worry you how these people will spend their Christmas?
Lyre: It’s not like these people celebrate Christmas, so there’s no problem there.
Interviewer: Thank you, and may you get everything you deserve this Christmas!
Lyre: Thanks, the same to you.
Interviewer: Until next year, good night!
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