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“They’re Illegal, and they don’t even thank us for locking them up!”

Interviewer: Good evening, tonight we have Liberal Minister for Truth, Ima Lyre, who’s recently returned from a trip to Nauru. Good evening, Ms. Lyre.

Lyre: It is a good evening, just shows that there’s no need for that carbon tax, doesn’t it?

Interviewer: Sorry, I don’t follow.

Lyre: Well, you should. That’s what all the Murdoch journalists do.

Interviewer: I mean, I don’t understand.

Lyre: it’s perfectly simple. It’s a good evening. There’s no warming. Everything’s fine.

Interviewer: I don’t see how one evening…

Lyre: Are we here for an interview or for you to ram your opinion down people’s throat?

Interviewer: Ok, how would you rate your first 100 days in office?

Lyre: Well, of course, it’s not up to me to rate it. That would be arrogant. That’s the Prime Minister’s job. And he rates it A+.

Interviewer: Some of the opinion polls are suggesting that people are disappointed in your efforts so far.

Lyre: Well, that just shows that we have a lot more stupid left wing people than we thought.

Interviewer: Sorry?

Lyre: If they’re turning against us, then they must be left wing and therefore not worth listening to.

Interviewer: It doesn’t concern you that you might lose votes?

Lyre: I’m sure that these polls don’t reflect how people will vote at the next election. This is probably just a reaction to the fact that people are disappointed because the Budget emergency was far worse than we thought when we described as a catastrophe, so we’ve had to make some hard decisions.

Interviewer: Such as?

Lyre: We’ve had to cut back services to Aboriginal communities, the CSIRO and George Brandis’ library.

Interviewer: Now, you recently went to Nauru. How did you find it?

Lyre: Oh, the pilot did that. I just waited until we landed, and then walked off the…

Interviewer: How did you find the conditions there?

Lyre: I never heard any complaints.

Interviewer: You’re suggesting that the asylum seekers are perfectly happy?

Lyre: How would I know? I never spoke to any of them. And I wish you wouldn’t call them asylum seekers, can you call them by their correct name, “illegals”?

Interviewer: It’s not illegal to seek asylum.

Lyre: No, but it’s illegal to come by boat.

Interviewer: I don’t believe that it is.

Lyre: Both the PM and the Immigration Minister call them illegals, so they must be.

Interviewer: Just because a person says something it doesn’t mean it’s true. I mean I could say that Rupert Murdoch is an illegal immigrant – it doesn’t make it true!

Lyre: Yes, but you’re not Prime Minister, are you?

Interviewer: Anyway, how can you say that you had no complaints if you didn’t speak to the asylum seekers?

Lyre: I said that I didn’t hear any complaints. And obviously, if I didn’t speak to them I wouldn’t have heard any. Besides, they’re foreign. I wouldn’t have understood what they were saying anyway. I have enough trouble with Matthias, and he’s one of us.

Interviewer: One of us?

Lyre: I mean, a Liberal. You’re not going to twist that to suggest that I’m racist!

Interviewer: But what if they had a complaint. How can they raise it?

Lyre: Well they can tell the people looking after them.

Interviewer: What if the complaint is about the people looking after them?

Lyre: Then, they’re just ungrateful, aren’t they? Look, the weather was fine, rather like the last time I went to Bali, and their accommodation was fine, just like the last time I went camping. And I believe that the kids are getting as good an education as the locals on Nauru.

Interviewer: And how good is that?

Lyre: How would I know? I’m not Education Minister!

Interviewer: So, basically, you didn’t discover anything that you couldn’t have found out without wasting money actually going to Nauru?

Lyre: No, that’s not true. I found out that the Duty Free shop in Nauru isn’t worth the trip.

Interviewer: So it doesn’t worry you how these people will spend their Christmas?

Lyre: It’s not like these people celebrate Christmas, so there’s no problem there.

Interviewer: Thank you, and may you get everything you deserve this Christmas!

Lyre: Thanks, the same to you.

Interviewer: Until next year, good night!


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