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The Mysterious Case Of The Steam Cleaned Sofa…

Ok, the title’s a bit misleading because I originally had this idea about a Sherlock Holmes type mystery to look into the Brittany Higgins case but I initially rejected it for two reasons:

  1. It would be hard to do something with enough sensitivity that made the points without seeming like I don’t understand the seriousness of the situation.
  2. There is no mystery because everyone knows that Morrison is lying through his crooked teeth.

I mean, I’m not even sure that he actually had that conversation with Jen. What she supposedly said is plausible, I guess, but then we’re left wondering what on earth he was saying that gave her the need to tell him that he needed to think about this like a father.

“Jen, I don’t know what to do. It’s going to be difficult crush this woman without seeming like a heartless bastard.”

“Perhaps, dear, rather than trying to crush the woman, you should think about this like a father. Imagine if was one of your daughters…”

“Oh no, I’ve been thinking about this all wrong. Rape is serious because the victim may have a father who’s upset by it. I need to be more sensitive.”

But just when I decided that the Sherlock Holmes idea wasn’t a goer, up pops Scotty with his trademark smirk to tell us that he’d appointed Phil Gaetjens to investigate what his office knew.

In case you’ve forgotten what a sterling job Gaetjens did with his investigation of the sports rorts I’ve posted a link here. I can’t tell you what the report said because it wasn’t released but while it did find some shortcomings in the awarding of grants, there was no “political bias”.

So while I’ve rejected the Sherlock Holmes idea, I can imagine that when Hercule Poirot Phil calls them all together to announce his verdict into who knew what, it’ll probably go something like this:

”Mesdames and Messieurs, this case was very tricky and at first I was distracted by the couch and I made enquiries into whether anyone in this office knew about the steam cleaning. Madame Brown who worked in Linda Reynolds office at the time, undoubtedly knew about it when she was there but when she moved into the office of M. Morrison her knowledge was vacuumed away like the evidence of the crime, but the couch I soon realised was a herring rouge.

“No, if I were going to get to the bottom of this case I was going to have to question the people who may have been mentioned in the texts, so naturally I decided to start with Jen, even though this had nothing to do with her. When I asked her if she had any evidence that M. Morrison knew anything she replied that she has to clarify practically everything to him including things like when you’re pretending to build a chook shed do not pose with nails in your mouth, when you have in your hands a drill…

”I could have been satisfied with this but the PM wanted an exhaustive inquiry so I asked all members of his staff if they had any phone records they’d like to give me. They were all happy to give me any phone records except for the ones which they said were about a matter that could be the subject of a police investigation which only left a handful of texts about ensuring that certain people were ‘taken care of’, but due to privacy concerns they wouldn’t tell me who these people were.

“At this point, I could have given up and concluded that this mystery was just too big and there was no way that we’d ever know whether anybody in PMO knew anything, when voila, a breakthrough. One of M. Morrison’s most trusted members of staff confessed and said that he did know and that it was all his fault and he just wanted to protect his leader so he kept it to himself but now he realises it was wrong and he’s resigning to take a job at a higher rate of pay in private industry.

”Who is this person, you ask? Well, I can’t tell you because he hasn’t done it yet, but I suspect that he will before we leave this room or you’ll all be looking for another job on a lower rate of pay!!”

Yes, it seems a little far-fetched and a little like I’m mocking a serious crime. But I’d argue that. Morrison’s behaviour in appointing a hack like Gaetjens to investigate, backgrounding against Ms Higgins’ partner and suggesting that she may have been confused because she was stressed, was the real failure to take this seriously. “I was devastated,” he said, before moving on to the things he could smile about.

It’s always worth remembering that with Watergate it wasn’t the burglary that led to the downfall of Nixon; it was the coverup and the lies.

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14 comments

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  1. Kerri

    First he claims Jen needed to clarify the situation for him then he claims that when he was first told he was shattered!
    I assume Jen had to explain the psychological damage inflicted by rape because ScoMo was too shattered over the potential political fallout just when he was looking good for an early election?

  2. OnceWasALiberal

    Agree entirely, Kerri. How devastating it must be to have kept this out of one election campaign then have it turn up soon before another. One can be sure, though, that another enquiry will be held, its results kept secret, then ignored and destroyed like the last two. One can be equally be sure that enquiry will be fair, compassionate and moral and its assumptions will be fully consistent with the almost universal belief of Christian sects and their leaders – that rape (particularly, but not exclusively, child rape) is perfectly acceptable so long as you can keep the victims traumatised and out of sight and the perpetrators away from prosecution.
    Our fearless leader may also be forced to take the unusual step (unlike during his career in tourism) to go the full distance with his appointment.

  3. Terence Mills

    Gaetjen’s fronting an enquiry is a bit like giving it to Inspector Clouseau :

    Clouseau : Whay did you stim klin this sofa ?

    Flunky : It had stains on it, Inspector

    Clouseau : Quate rate well done monsieur Flonky

    turns to security guard

    Clouseau : Whay did you allow drunken piple into the ministerial wing of the parliament ?

    Security Guard : If we excluded drunken people, Inspector, there would be nobody here after lunch, ever !

    Could it get worse ?

  4. pierre wilkinson

    cover ups and lies are # liberal trademarks
    especially in this inept incompetence of a government under the mismanagement of the smirking jerk, the liar from the shire, the pompous promiser who is so very good at announcing but so poor at delivering – except to his own seats

  5. Vikingduk

    I’m surprised that news corpse haven’t started a trash the victim expose yet, gotta protect the jerk with a smirk, good ole honest scotty, the smirk & mirrors man. Already, too many of this putrid, pus filled, flash as a rat with a gold tooth lies are being exposed.

    Scotty, old son, news flash, no part of rape is good, have you got that message yet? My mate, dr. Ben Dover, reckons you’re borderline psychopath, absolutely no compassion, no empathy, actually no worthwhile human traits whatsoever, just a lying fucking hypocrite wallowing in a world of cognitive dissonance. Just another political thing, smirking and oozing your way to power.

    That’s fucking obscene that you and the bunch of unflushable turds you lead are recognised as a democratic government. Make a brown dog weep.

  6. Vikingduk

    And another former staffer comes forward to say she has been raped by the same man, last year, after a dinner engagement. Jeez, what’s in the water? Rape, bullying, women used as disposable playthings and fucking morrison has to consult with the cheese & kisses, dear Jen, to be informed that no, rape is not ok. FFS. Are there really that many of us braindead that would believe the outright lies of this blustering liar from the shire?

  7. Harry Williams

    Two women sexually abused after drinks with the same man. Anybody for Rohypnol?

  8. Ross

    Regular as clockwork. As another scandal engulfs the government up pops the “look over there” and the mainstream media flock to it like flies to dog shit.
    Unfortunately for the government Morrison can and will make things worse as new revelations emerge. They always do but this government plays by its own rules and ignores the laws they purport to represent. Do these politicians not know rape is a very serious criminal offense?
    If it wasn’t for Facebook Scotty the smug may have found himself in seriously hot water.
    We will wait to see who gets thrown under the bus for this current scandal.

  9. Kronomex

    Now Scummo is “upset” and “disturbed” by the second assault. More like he’s upset and disturbed by the fact that less and less people are not falling for his bullshit empathy and caring shtick anymore. I’ve heard, but don’t quote me, that he’s going to get his maattee “Jackboot” Gaetjens to head an inquiry who will no doubt (with quiet help from The Rupert) try his damndest to distract attention away from the LNP and go after Labor and the Greens.

    https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2021/feb/20/scott-morrison-upset-after-reports-second-woman-assaulted-by-man-who-allegedly-raped-brittany-higgins

  10. wam-

    What a great story, rossleigh. This fictional character is the least inspired of sherlock’s foes. Indeed he is not worth writing about except of when he knew what bottom had been on the couch. Ash barty’s benign acceptance of a little cheating qualifies her as labor
    Nixon could have had a medical time out, like trump, and he may have survived.
    Even given your character all the the luck diversions from his inept dealing he is struggling against lists being published by women when men take up the intelligence provided there will be a problem needing another miracle.
    ps how often do we steam clean with obvious stains???

  11. Mr Shevill Mathers

    And the reason given to the steam cleaner/s to have the couch steam cleaned was?…………..(witnesses after the event)

  12. Vikingduk

    Cleaners called in a day early (Saturday morning). Apparently after info from security guard that the office had been “used” overnight. Also (allegedly) a security guard observed the victim in a state of undress, entering and leaving the room where the alleged assault took place several times.

    Perhaps the coverup is the default option for which staff are well practiced and
    leaving the investigation in the hands of the AFP seems to be a little risky as they have their own sexual abuse/bullying etc., practises to account for.

    So, beware, women in particular, working for the “government” could be quite detrimental to your well-being.

    And we call ourselves civilised. FFS.

  13. Michael Taylor

    What I find disgraceful is that the alleged perpetrator has checked himself into a hotel, apparently with depression.

    The disgraceful bit is that he didn’t check himself in until the story became public. He’s had two years to do that. He should have gone there the day after the rape, in my opinion. Much better still… he shouldn’t have raped anybody in the first place.

    He belongs in a prison, not a hospital.

  14. RomeoCharlie29

    And yet the latest Essential poll has The Smirking Jerk’s personal approval rating up four points. Explain that to me, please?

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