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The Bog Rolls of Armageddon …

As we all know, I’m a bit of a hermit. Which makes me somewhat of a specialist at the social distancing thing. Handy these days. But, on occasion, I do foray out.

Went to my local supermarket this morning. Could not believe my eyes. Right in front of me were the products of one of the finest education systems on the planet, otherwise called people, biffing each other up over … of all things … bog paper.

What is it about bog paper?

Most people like me who are solely reliant on the old age pension, and let’s not forget those struggling along on the lower levelled Newstart, cannot usually afford luxury goods like that. I’ve always thought that a soft spray from the garden hose accompanied by a judicious swish around the pucker point from gently swirling fingers was all that was required. Very cheap. Doesn’t clog the drains. Still! I walked away from the supermarket in a state of thoughtful mind.

Perhaps the frenzied masses obviously knew something that I was totally ignorant of? If you don’t have thirty years worth of bog paper squirrelled away in your survival bunker/pantry then you’re simply gonna die!

Gosh, I thought. I don’t have thirty years worth of bog paper squirrelled away anywhere. I don’t even have two hours worth. Gosh, I’m gonna die!

The worries then became exponential, which means they get bigger and bigger real quick. If thirty years worth of bog rolls would protect me from Coronavirus, would forty years worth protect me from cyclones and tsunamis? Would fifty years worth protect me from the ravages of nuclear war? Maybe I should build my whole house out of toilet rolls and bunker down inside?


It is a little stupid of people to think that bog rolls can do anything other than be bog rolls. If we ever do have to seriously consider bending over and kissing our arses goodbye due to a calamity of biblical proportions – it only takes a couple of sheets to make all things nether presentable. But I still say the hose is cheaper.

Panic buying is dumbness personified.

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  1. Pingback: The Bog Rolls of Armageddon … #newsoz.org #auspol - News Oz

  2. Vikingduk

    Well, I always nowadays, take my taser when hunting and gathering the rather shy and elusive sorbent beast. Jeez, zapped that old toad the other day, got him a bewdy, sparks off the Zimmer frame, then had to drop a shoulder into the old biddy and clean out that mother with the whiny kids. Ten jumbo, gargantuan packs of arsewipe was the score. Already filled up the garage and spare rooms, maaaate, I tell yers, I’ll survive the Coronavirus, the tooheysvirus, the xxxxvirus and, of course, the fostersvirus as well as nuclear winter, the fall of the house of usher, waiting for godot, syphilis, crabs, random acts of violence, no ice for the g&t and various other calamities, misfortune and general discombobulating.

  3. ajogrady

    7 million people per year die from the effects of air pollution. That is 7 million people die from the the burning of fossil fuels. The Corona virus attacks the respiratory system and the number of deaths from the virus is hugely favouring the elderly or those who have had a far longer exposure to air pollution/burning of fossil fuels. Young people who have not been exposed to air pollution/burning of fossil fuels are hardly effected. Joining the dots it would be easy to make the case that not only does the burning of fossil fuels have a major impact on our collective climates but also our collective health outcomes. 7 million now but how many will there be with the double wammy of air pollution/burning fossil fuels combined with the Corona virus.

  4. Kerri

    The stupidity is extraordinary, but hey? we live in a country that voted for a man with no brain, no heart, no courage and no policies. Early on Scottyfrommarketing recommended we all “use commonsense”.
    If Australia had any commonsense we would not be burdened with a tail chasing, self promoting happy clapper of transparent mind and highly dubious skill.

  5. Patagonian

    I’m mainlining it which is a bit tricky considering its consistency. I tried drying it out so I could grind it to a powder and sniff it, but it just burnt to a crisp in the oven.

    Seriously, they all need to settle the f*ck down. I’m trying to get ONE pack of toilet paper for friends who have decided to cut short their trip to New York (apparently it’s just as crazy there, but with guns) and who will have to go into quarantine.

    They left before the Great Bog Roll Panic so hadn’t stocked up on it. Not a bloody sheet to be found in three shops. I heard that those who go into self-quarantine will be given PPE (to protect their families who haven’t been overseas ).

    I hope they put a few rolls of loo paper in the PPE pack.

  6. Carol Taylor

    If I was to get serious I would suggest that the humble bog roll represents our sense of power over our environment. If I was to be an old f*rt I would say suffer kiddies, you never went through a depression, a recession and thanks to the person you hate, one Kev Rudd the GFC didn’t exist. Now the youngsters are finding out..and how have they dealt with it, by panic buying and hitting each other over the head with packets of pasta in order to get to the last remain packet of Kleenex. Deal with it like we did, grow your own veg, do stretch sewing classes and sell everything you own at car boot markets and with a sense of Community.

  7. pierre wilkinson

    when I recently asked “how stupid can people be?”
    I didn’t think so many of them would take it as a challenge

  8. Harry Lime

    Jesus,Vikingduk, stop taking the piss out of the good commonfolk, this is serious.Maybe if we had a “Leader” who wasn’t a failed sideshow barker talking outrageous bullshit this wouldn’t happen.Then again if the tories hadn’t been systematically ripping zillions out of the public education system for decades,people might have been smart enough to see through the deceit.
    Too late, she cried,this is where we’re at.I’d be happy if this was the Almighty’s way of evening the score as long as she starts at the top.

  9. Patagonian

    Most of the people I saw hitting each other were mature adults (well visually at least). My daughter got on to the internet, sourced some rubbing alcohol and aloe vera gel and is now making her own hand sanitiser. I love young people, they’ll be our saviours yet!

  10. Jack sprat

    Just use your hand, undeterred .

  11. Keith Davis

    Carol Taylor … you hit the nail on the head. “Community’. Panic buying is an example of people who don’t give a rats about anything but themselves.

  12. paul walter

    They are enraged, like scared children who are very angry because people don’t believe them when they lie.

    At least, that is the impression I got watching Vanstone on teev earlier.

    All of them.

    Murdoch editorialists, Joyce, Cash, Angus Taylor, Cormann, Faudenberg; Trump elsewhere as an example of how lunacy jumps continents like an epidemic, most of all pathetic Morrison, his Office and sections of the Public service.

    We saw from the first half of last century that societies can go lunatic and where this leads them and their masses.

    Be worried. Be very worried.

  13. wam

    Beauty Keith, it set my teeth grinding and reminded me of a couple of women, Macklin and Banks, who get your yearly drain on their purse, each month, but declare they could live on the dole so they consider your $24k luxurious. Their vision of the dole is a long way from reality. They base their concept of dole bludging on living with mummy, with free use of her car with petrol, food and lodging all supplied. Leaving the unemployment benefits as pocket money.
    My millionaire mate gets heaps of franking cash and will get the stimulus handout. It is a travesty but he is a nth nsw national with his millions well sequestered.
    Keep sane and soapy.

    ps Wally, did you see the line of septics at the gun shop??

  14. Michael Taylor

    If we can trace this mayhem back to its origins it began as soon as Christian Porter suggested that people should consider self-isolating. It was going fine until then, but that started the avalanche.

  15. Ian

    Toilet paper is NOT an essential. We are just brainwashed in western society to thinking it is. Washing is much better and does a much better job. And has no carcinogenic chemicals.

  16. Michael Taylor

    I do wonder how we got on in those first few years on Kangaroo Island:

    No hot water (we had to burn sticks to heat the water up).

    No electricity. For two years we had kerosene lamps or candles, then for the next ten years had a generator.

    No flush toilets … or toilet paper (we had to use newspaper).

    No telephone.

  17. johno

    What Kerri said.

  18. New England Cocky

    Geez MT … no television either??

    You can better understand New England when you discover that:

    1) commercial radio only arrived in Armidale after WWII:

    2) Waterfall Way (Armidale to Ebor to Coffs Harbour) was only fully sealed in1976 by the late Bill McCarthy (Labor) because the nat$ did not want any new ideas bubbling up from the coast to disturb their 18th century seclusion;

    3) Ebor to Grafton Road was only sealed in the noughties thanks to the interest of Harry Wood (Labor) MP for Grafton; while the

    4) western link Armidale to Yarrowwitch to Inverell was finally sealed in 2005 thanks to Richard Torbay (Independent).

    5) the very successful East West Airlines established by a group of progressive graziers took off in about 1957 only to be sold off by their dissolute off-spring thirty years later to the highest (???) bidder, and now we cross-subsidise QANTAS international flights.

    6) The gang of grazier ladies, decked out in their Sloane Ranger uniforms, before an election, advocating en masse for the Nat$ warning that should any shopkeeper recognise that economic progress was anywhere except the nat$ then that shopkeeper could kiss good-bye their purchases demanding two years credit before payment.

    Naturally the rate of progress has been set by the sleeping snail Nazianal$ politicians, preferring the high social life of Eastern Suburbs Sydney while neglecting the many challenges of community development and economic prosperity identified by their far-sighted parents forming the New England New State Movement in 1916 to get a better deal out of the Macquarie Street Parliament.

  19. wam

    Dear Michael,
    When we shifted to Adelaide we were given a temp fibrohouse in Osborne avenue I could throw the coal I collected over the powerhouse fence but we had an ice chest, loved to see the iceman carry the blocks, boy the ice lasted, and a Tilley lamp, I was the only kid at high school who knew what a ‘friable solid’ was, but what memories.
    In parts of KI there is still no phone or net coverage and no TV. The books get a bashing in vivonne bay.

  20. Hotspringer

    Pause A Minute …..

    One of the worst days so far for Coronavirus was the 10th of
    February. On that day, 108 persons in China died of Coronavirus.

    BUT, on the same day,
    26,283 people died of Cancer
    24,641 people died of Heart Disease
    4,300 people died of Diabetes,
    And on that same day, Suicide, unfortunately,
    took more lives than the virus did, by 28 times.
    Moreover, Mosquitoes kill 2,740 people every day.
    Humans kill 1,300 fellow humans every day,
    And Snakes kill 137 people every day.

    Take a deep breath, and wash your hands.

  21. calculus witherspoon.

    wam reminds me of the Smithfield hostel in the early sixties, the primitive conditions, gastro outbreaks and hepatitis one year that had this writer off school for most of a term. Wasn’t there personally but I remember our class size swelling to seventy one year before they opened up some new suburbs, the hot weather and the migrant kids in class keeling over in their heavy grey melange clothes, straight from a northern winter to peak aussie summer.

    Hotspringer, 700 in two days in Italy.

  22. Keith Davis

    I’m taking part in an Event on the 28th March at 11 am, to protest against the level of violence directed at women in Australia (The March of Decent Men). A friend of mine asked me what I would do if some passing errant soul decided to try and confetti me with toilet paper because of the stand I was taking … well … I would graciously thank them for their donation, and then promptly encourage them to please throw more! I’m not going to get any at Coles am I?

  23. Michael Taylor

    A friend was telling me that one of her employees has a second job at Bunnings, who made comment that Asians are buying up all the sandpaper. True story.

    I know what you’re all thinking … as am I. 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

  24. Peter F

    Hotspringer – please wait until the covid-19 has been around as long as the other items on your list: you might then have a basis for comparison, Otherwise you might just as well say that it is dark at midnight ,and should therefore be dark all the time.

  25. Vikingduk

    Michael, perhaps they should read Rabelais’ Gargantuas, having tried a kerchief, a pillow, a hen, an attorney’s bag, etc., he concluded “ there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs”. Though, I suppose 1200 grit wet & dry would do the trick. The Roman way, a sea sponge on a stick, chicken on a stick (kebab), Leunig’s way, a length of rope betwixt the legs, absolutely unlimited. Could make an excellent reality tv series, how did you wipe your butt?

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