23rd May 2020. Report on Press Conference.
Yesterday, the Australian Government held their annual press conference to report that for the third year running everything was just fine thanks to the fact that we had a strong government prepared to do whatever it took in order to do whatever was needed to keep this country strong and, if not entirely free, certainly at a very reasonable price.
The Minister for Speaking To The Public, Mr (REDACTED), went on to say that this didn’t mean that there hadn’t been some terrorist activity but, thanks to our excellent security forces, we were able to prevent any actual incidents occuring. The policy enacted in 2019 where our newly formed security agency, Reporting Incidents of Great Harm To Our Nation (RIGHT-ON – which was formed by combining the Human Rights Commission with the Wind-farm Commissioner and appointing a private security firm to run it), was given extensive powers to prevent such incidents by allowing them to arrest people, charge them and sentence them without the need for an expensive court trial has made our country one of the safest in the world. The Minister went on to say that not only was their policy of arresting some people before they’d even thought of committing a terrorist act a great way of ensuring that dangerous people weren’t roaming our streets, but the elimination of court trials had gone a long way toward bringing the Budget back into surplus.
The exact figure saved was, of course, not specified because of a “commercial in confidence” arrangement with the company that the government hired to run RIGHT-ON, and, as such, was none of our business.
It was also revealed that since the last press conference in 2019 that we’d had a change of Prime Minister, but, as with all ministerial appointments, this was an operational matter and the exact name of the PM wouldn’t be revealed. (This policy was an extension of the decision to remove the tax disclosure laws because they made millionaires and their families potential kidnapping victims, In 2018, it was pointed out that if it was good enough for millionaires to be protected from kidnappers by anonymity, then it should be good enough for the government.) This change of Prime Minister had been an internal party decision and not caused by the general election which the Minister announced had been held last September at an undisclosed location and had given the government another overwhelming mandate.
On the economy, there was nothing but good news. Growth has continued thanks to the total elimination of all red tape such as those ridiculous laws requiring firms using overseas workers to tell the government. House prices just keep going up and up which, as Tony Abbott told us back in those days when he was PM, is a really good thing because we don’t want them going down. Unemployment is now non-existent since last year’s announcement that the Employment Minister would be given the power to strip the unemployed of their citizenship.
The Minister went on to say that while once only a privileged few drove imported cars, thanks to decisions made by the Liberal Government in its early days, we were all driving them now. Except the poor, who don’t drive because they’re in a detention centre having had their citizenship taken away.
When a young ABC journalist asked if questions were allowed, he was quickly taken in to custody for asking a question, prompting the Minister to wonder about how poorly the ABC was training its journalists on press conference protocol and suggesting that there’d have to be even further changes to ensure that it wasn’t just a breeding ground for potential terrorists. Apparently removing their entire buget hadn’t stopped their anti-Australian agenda.
The Minister concluded by announcing that this would be the last annual press conference and that future announcements by the government would happen on a “need to know” basis. If anything happened that the government felt we needed to know, then he’d call one, but until then, he was taking an unnecessary risk by appearing like this. Until then, he told us, we could just continue to tell everybody that everything was fine, the adults are in charge, the economy’s booming and there’s no excuse for anybody not being a billionaire.