Now, let’s see if I have this straight:
- We Liberals like the word, “STRONG”
- Every chance he gets, Abbott reminds of the importance of having STRONG borders.
- When the CFMEU or the Labor Party or anyone raise concerns about the weakening of protection for local jobs due to free trade agreements, they’re just being racist, because Australia is “open for business”; it’s only our sea border that’s closed.
- We’re going to help bomb Syria, but we’re not going to be rushed into this decision. We’re going to make it in “the next couple of weeks”. Syria’s borders aren’t a concern.
- Tony Abbott is due to spend a week in an indigenous community, and the last time he did it he was called back after a few days because of a problem of national security, so one hopes he doesn’t have to make the decision then, because he’d surely have to go back to Canberra to announce the decision to bomb Syria – which hasn’t been made yet because we’re not going to rush into it.
- Similarly, we’re not going to be rushed on the decision of same sex marriage. We’re not even going to be rushed on when we’re going to make that decision. In fact, we’re not even going to be rushed on how we’re going to make that decision. Parliament? No, it affects everybody, unlike environmental concerns which can only be challenged by those within five feet of the project. We’ll have a plebiscite. Or a referendum. When? Well, we have to consult on that. Consult who? Look, this is not really a priority at the moment, can we discuss something important like our imminent defence of our STRONG borders with the bombing of Syria.
- We need to be discussing “Jobs and growth and making Australia safe”. Only the Liberals can do this because we’re careful with money and we’re good economic managers. We’re so good that we don’t even consider an $80 a head dinner a fundraiser because unless you raise more than a quarter of a million, it’s really just a social get-together.
- Bill Shorten has been branded an “unreliable witness” because he claims to have forgotten to declare the sort of money that would have been raised by the Liberal non-fundraiser. He was branded this by a man appointed for his enormous integrity and forensic eye for detail, who overlooked and/or forgot that it was a Liberal Party event.
- To demonstrate how good their are with managing money, the Victorian Branch of the Liberals are investigating the loss of a couple of million dollars from the party coffers, but this is not due to carelessness or poor management, this is due to how well someone managed to transfer money from one place to another without anyone in the party noticing, because, well, if you can’t trust a fellow Liberal with your money, who can you trust? An audit has discovered that their previous audits didn’t notice anything wrong, owing to the fact that the Liberals doing the audit were under the misapprehension that the word “audit” meant see how many ways you can find to transfer money from poor people to rich people.
- There’s no need for journalists to actually interview Federal Liberal MPs any more because they’re answers are being leaked to the press as soon as they get them.
- “Jobs and growth” is worth saying anyway, because journalists don’t seem capable of pointing out that unemployment has risen since Labor left office or that the Reserve Bank is predicting slower growth, but if you’re being interviewed just keep reminding everyone that you’re in favour of jobs and growth and if they ask you how you plan to achieve this just say something using any of the words: “strong”, “plan”, “real action”, “security” or “Labor’s mess”. If they persist, ask them why the ABC is so biased; there’s no chance they’re from a newspaper.
- We need to be less “blokey”, as our PM said. But quotas don’t work, so we’ve appointed our candidate for Canning on merit, and we’ve come up with an ex-SAS officer. That’s not blokey, because some women serve in the SAS.
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