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Sooty unveils RortKeeper

Sooty Morrison’s $8.1 billion RortSeeker program of shovelling public money to enclaves of Lib privilege and marginal electorates bought the Tories a two seat majority in the 2019 election – a net gain of one seat. That’s $8,000,000,000+ for a single seat increase. That’s the self-trumpeted “superior economic management” of the born-to-rule touts in action. They can’t even do grift cost effectively.

But for the Tories it was other people’s money well spent.

Blatant lies, FUD, fraudulent election posters, the excrement from Murdoch’s propaganda apparatus, an appeal to greed and self-interest and an $80M nod & wink distraction campaign from the flabulous accused fraudster Clive Palmer all helped of course. But in the game of mates that is Tory government the success of RortSeeker in the federal election has seen it morph into RortKeeper in office.

Sooty’s disappointment at his failure to win the Eden-Monaro by-election was palpable. After weeks of shoving his candidate aside to mug to the cameras he reverted to his where’s the wally routine and went AWOL. He had marketed himself as the product but the electorate didn’t buy it, even though Eden-Monaro was bribed with twice as much funding as the average seat under SportsRorts. Clearly the rorts program would require re-modelling given that the voters cannot be trusted.

You can’t prise traditional venal practices from a dead Tory’s fingers – what’s different now is that a pandemic and a bushfire-charred environment provide new opportunities for the monetisation of other peoples’ misfortune. The crisis also conveniently provides cover for and distraction from their odious and incompetent behaviour and so RortKeeper was rolled out.

Few sentient beings were surprised when it was revealed that Stu Robert’s latest fuck-up in a series of fuck-ups(1) the COVIDSafe e.placebo cost circa $68M without tracing a single case of infection. Snafu Stu is the type of guy who could wear a sombrero the wrong way round so of course this one man tech-wreck is the Tories’ preferred I.T. geek. If Stuie can’t break it, it’s unbreakable.

The rorts dimension to this incompetence is found, as always, if you follow the money. The CEO of the development company DELV is the spouse of a Liberal Party candidate. Purely coincidentally no doubt, his company hosted government grants enthusiast Angus Fingers Taylor MP at business events(2). Fingers’ talent for accessing tax payers’ funds to subsidise the entrepreneurial endeavours of chums and family is the stuff of legend(3).

Another Hayekian champion of free markets who nevertheless is ever eager to indulge in tax-payer funded largesse to support his own enterprises is the billionaire cockroach king and hacker of dead children’s phones Rupert Murdoch.

Murdoch the undead and Keith Richards are the only two people guaranteed to survive a nuclear war but pending such a possibility Sooty wants to secure his own tithe-enabled availability for the rapture by keeping the old monster on side. A $10M top up to a previous $40M donation to Newscorpse, friendly tax treatment and the dismemberment of the ABC is a small price to pay to faciliate Sooty’s 1st class boarding pass to the last flight to heavenly reward. (Jen and the girls will be down the back.)

The COVIDSafe farce and the protection money to Murdoch are but two examples of the early roll-out of RortKeeper.

How are lurk merchant extraordinaire Fingers Taylor and his old #Watergate mate Barking Barmy Joyce faring in the updated model? These two grifters could sniff out a dollar in the skat of a Werribee duck.

Hot out of the blocks Fingers has appointed one of his former advisers and a prominent critic of renewable and carbon policies to the board of the Australian Renewable Energy Agency. And $4M to Shine Energy for a feasibility study for a coal-fired power station despite them having no energy sector experience and having never completed a project. Good job, well done Angus!

Angus’s stuntman partner in grime, the Evel Knievel of provincial politics Barking Barmy Joyce vacated his front seat on the gravy train after he fell into the gland canyon of one of his staffers. Barmy was compensated with a $600,000 gig to send unread text messages from the front bar of country pubs.

Now that he has been able to settle his VB tab, organ donor Barmy will no doubt be pondering further opportunities to fund his designated drivers and Playboy subscriptions while plotting the demise of his bête noire and boss, the Wagga Wagga chook magnet Mickey Mac McCormack.

While Fingers and Barmy are free-styling our PM and his flustered Treasurer are focusing on retro-fitting their neo-con ideology into their forced framework of capitalist socialism. Morrison’s SkidMarx manifesto is a work-in-progress but a key feature will be RortKeeper as evidenced by the shelving of requirements for the banks to change their criminal behaviours.

We may all be up to our collective armpits in ordure but there is something deeply satisfying in watching Bubble and Squeak at the podium, blustering in red-faced embarrassment at being forced to adopt and sell a Keynesian response to an economic crisis. It worked after WW2, it worked during the GFC but it’s anathema to the Tories’ discredited dogma of punitive austerity and look-after-the-wealthy trickle-down voodoo.

Morrison’s discomfort at having to sell the biggest deficit in our history after decades of snakeoil about surpluses, the Lib’s denigration of government stimulus spending and their failed experiment in time travel (“we’ve brought the budget back to surplus next year”) may finally wipe that repulsive smirk from Sooty’s pie hole. But the smarmy yahoo’s boondoggles, rorts and normalising of blatant corruption will continue so I suspect not. Plus he’s got the rapture to fall back on.


(1) COVIDSafe, RoboDebt, MyGov non-existant DDos attack, $38,000 home internet bill

(2) Coronavirus: Government’s COVIDSafe app could have cost ‘tens of millions’ for zero tracing results – Nine News.

(3) The adventures of Angus Taylor – Michael West Media

Close to the wind: the trials of Liberal Money-Man Stuart Robert – Michael West Media

The Angus Taylor story: from the Liberals’ golden boy to a man on the edge – The Guardian


This article was originally published on the Grumpy Geezer.

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  1. Phil Pryor

    Conservatives instinctively want to free themselves and their actions from morals, decency, ethics, honesty, as these are impediments to freedom of utter irresponsible activity. A cover of superstition with its trappings of religious structure, uprightness, (B Joyce’s todger?) , appearances and acceptability. In fact a conservative can and does become the slow motion replay speed of a thief, liar, fixer, operator, dealer and swine inside the skin of conventional front. Even stunning shitheads like Benito and Adolf knew that flags, blaring music uniforms, gongs and medals (usually fake and unearned) were the way to dignify filth. So, today, our Big Hollow Men, the Solly Lew, G Harvey, K Stokes types, the big miners and retailers, get special rewards for years of slaving away at bribery, corruption, pay for play politics. Yes, some people are sustained on a low level of existence, otherwise they might be, or would be, assassinating the perpetrators (No? No more revolutionary revenge?) Australia has the poorest manufacturing proportions of any advanced economy, mining filth and carelessness, high pollution and emissions, a coming storm of drought and fires again and again, poorer than ever education planning and support, the worst rotten repeated, lying, distorted, foreign controlled media, ever more greedy and inefficient and stupid political careerists, slow and ponderous actions of any kind to address future needs for us all, and no FUTURE under the oppressive, self rewarding criminality of conservative office holders in politics, corporations, finance. POO.

  2. Michael Taylor

    “… the Wagga Wagga chook magnet…”

    Geezus, Grumpy, I damn near wet myself! 😂

  3. Grumpy Geezer

    I was quite pleased with “gland canyon” Michael. Smut being my forte.

  4. Linda Jenkins

    Oh Grumpy you do make my day with your wit, and yes there’s so many of your “bests” it hard to better your bests but the gland canyon is up there as one of the best 😂 love your work!

  5. Grumpy Geezer

    Too kind Linda.

  6. JudithW

    The PM’s responses on 7:30 this weeks sounded like reruns of a 1960s Miss Australia contest.

  7. Diane Larsen

    Grumpy you just say everything I feel and make me smile into the bargain. Thank you❤️

  8. Gangey1959

    Wow. That was a good read.
    I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes.

    I’ve just had a “debate” with my partner’s daughter about my right to be pissed off at kraft for changing the name of coon cheese in the name of political correctness. What a load of crap that is. Where is our beloved dealer when someone needs to stand up and say “enough is enough” ? Oh that’s right, giving uncle voldemurdoch a quick gobbie while the cameras were on minister hunt doing mask demo’s.

    Getting back to political correctness.
    What do you call a mob of crazy Irishmen? How can you tell the difference.
    What do you call a mob of crazy Welshmen? Harry Secombe.
    What do you call a mob of crazy englishmen? The british royal family.
    What do you call a mob of crazy Scotsmen? Mad Macs

    What do you call a mob of crazy Australians? Our lnp parliamentarians.

    Rage on
    Stay safe everyone.

  9. Ange Kenos

    Quality writing and solid discourse. Thank you so much. And after reading, elsewhere, the onslaught of mindless dribble from ultra right wing piglets… this was so refreshing albeit sad re the details of the effective criminal.

  10. Geoff Andrews

    Thank the gods you’re safe, Grumpy – I was starting to panic … and I DO think the Gland Canyon is one of your bestests. I know I have your permission to use it … and I love your references – very academic.

  11. Regional Elder

    Some truly memorable lines in this article Grumpy.
    Just one of impeccable and disturbing political accuracy is the ‘ ….. protection money to Murdoch ‘.
    ( being $10 million last week on top of the earlier $30 million grant to the non-tax paying NewsCorp, ostensibly to cover women’s sport).
    And ‘Sooty’ is such an apt name for Marketing Man Morrison not just because of his fetish for coal, but also because of its opaque quality, something Sooty seeks to emulate with the Australian people.

  12. RomeoCharlie29

    The gland canyon was a winner but Barmy as organ donor had subtlety. Otherwise a depressingly accurate assessment of the current state of affairs from these promiscuous political pilferers. And how sad that despite his smarm and smirk sooty appears to still be beloved by so many of our fellows.

  13. Kaye Lee

    What an excellent diversion from tax time. Thanks Grumpy. I am so sick of Resting Smirkface and his Boy Wondering explaining how their debt and deficit is so very different to Labor’s. According to Boy Wondering, we were well set up to cope with the crisis because of their superior economic management ….“the economy was 16% larger pre-Covid than it was when we came to government”. What he doesn’t mention is that was the worst six-year growth period for 37 years.

  14. wam

    Beauty, geezer as darryl would say ‘tell him he’s dreaming.

    Yes, Lawrence
    When boobby gave the rabbott’s leadership of ‘denial’ its political legitimacy, labor should have begun to ridicule both men gently to get us laughing at the opus dei liar and the burgeoning loonie pragmatism. Sadly, labor then and now, regard the con artists of these parties as colleagues. They treat them as such and are left to ‘oppose’ the extreme right, with, perhaps an outburst,’ a la femme’, followed by the mildest of rebukes on the ABC when the voters watch commercial TV. Albo may remember the disastrous debt attacks of the rabbott 24/7????
    pps Michael
    Thanks for ad astra’s 100 days replay.
    Australia has a single payer system, in which the residents pay the government – via taxes – to cover healthcare costs, rather than individuals buying from competing private insurers.
    could better be:
    Australia has a single payer system, in which some of the residents pay the government – via taxes – to cover healthcare costs, rather than individuals buying from competing private insurers.
    A levy on gross income would????

  15. Grumpy Geezer

    Resting Smirkface and Boy Wondering. Guffaw. I feel a competiton coming on Kaye Lee.


    This is the first Grumpy Geezer I’ve read, excellent. The only pitchfork left is mockery, so more power to you.

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