Gracey Trimshore: Good evening, tonight we have an interview with the Prime Marketer, Mr Scott Morrison. Good evening, Mr Morrison.

Prime Minister: Good evening, nice to be here.

GT: Now, you’ve recently anointed Marise Payne as Minister for Women, wasn’t that in her previous duties?

PM: Yes, but we’re making it a much bigger role. As I said the other day, she’s now pretty much the Prime Minister for Women.

GT: So who’s the Prime Minister for Men then?

PM: Well, I am… I’m the Prime Minister for everyone, men and women, but she’s the… um… minister who has prime responsibility for areas of concern for women.

GT: Which are?

PM: Um… you know… Well, you know far better than me… because, well, you are a woman and I’m not so it’s not really for me to tell you what your areas of concern are.

GT: You mean like feeling safe and being listened to when…

PM: Exactly. Things like that… and affordable childcare… and… anyway, that’s why I’ve asked Marise to stop worrying about those other duties where she had too many serious things to distract her and concentrate solely on women’s issues. I mean these past few weeks have been quite an eye-opener for a lot of people, me included. Did you realise that women are happy to be paid a lot less than men? I think one of Marise’s main roles will be to make women aware of just how bad things are and to make them more active in seeking out…

GT: If I could just stop you there, are you saying that women haven’t been active enough in seeking equality?

PM: That’s exactly what I’m saying. I was talking to Jen just the other night when she interrupted to tell me that women would like to have a voice and I said that was news to me.

GT: Where have you been?

PM: Look I haven’t had a holiday since there was all that fuss about the Hawaii trip… oh, wait, I have but it was just down the road to Shoalhaven so that doesn’t really count, does it?

GT: I meant on women’s issues. Has the whole women’s movement passed you by? Didn’t you hear about the sixties and Women’s Liberation?

PM: Yes, but I thought that was just a few lefties who were trying to destroy the fabric of our society because they couldn’t find a bloke, but apparently lots of women want to have a say in their future.

GT: So on the issue of Parliament House and its toxic culture.

PM: Look, I know that there are problems but it’s on both sides of the House and all workplaces are the same…

GT: Can you name another workplace where rape is covered up, prostitutes are called and there are sexual orgies taking place in the so-called prayer room?

PM: No, but if you can, there’s a few blokes in my Cabinet that’d love to go there. Ha ha.

GT: This is not a joke

PM: No, no. Look, you’re right. when I was at Tourism Australia it wasn’t like that at all and not just because my boss was a wowser. I’ll have you know that I’m a very good Christian who doesn’t approve of such things.

GT: Then why have you allowed it?

PM: I haven’t allowed it. I just haven’t been aware of it.

GT: There’s a lot you aren’t aware of.

PM: Thank you.

GT: It’s not a compliment. Brittany Higgins, excessive drinking, wild parties at Parliament House, the contents of the letter with allegations about the Attorney-General, the rollout timetable for the vaccines, Andrew Laming. The list goes on. How can you not be aware of any of this?

PM: Look, I had Phil Gaetjens do an extensive inquiry into exactly what I’m aware of and he should be finished that by now.

GT: Is he?

PM: I don’t know. He hasn’t told me.

GT: He told the Senate he’d stopped his inquiry.

PM: No, he’s only stopped the bit that might incriminate people. He’s now working on all the things that I might have been told but clearly haven’t been because nobody thought they were important enough to bring to my attention because I’m always too busy writing my next speech including the questions from selected journalists.

GT: You’ve added a lot of window dressing with your recent reshuffle and inserted the word “Women” into a lot of titles but will any of these lead to substantial changes?

PM: I reject the premise of your question.

GT: You don’t think it’s window dressing?

PM: No, I reject the idea that it’s meant to lead to substantial changes. We don’t want women achieving if it means that men have to go with less. That’s not progress. We want women to feel empowered to have a go and when they have a go they’ll feel like they’re getting a go and with so many women in the ministry working on women’s issues then that’s real progress because they feel good and no man was harmed in making them feel like they’re achieving something.

GT: That makes no sense at all. You’re just shuffling things around to create the appearance of doing something.

PM: Shuffling things around is doing something. That’s the way the whole economy works. Australia has things in the ground, we dig them up, shuffle them around and money appears in people’s bank accounts. Surely you’re not against mining?

GT: How can women have any faith in your government when you refuse to deal with Andrew Laming?

PM: He’s a member of the Queensland LNP which I have no control over and anyway he’s said that he’s not contesting the next election because of his poor behaviour so until then he’s a fit and proper person to be part of the Liberal Party and vote with the government.

GT: But you just said that he’s a member of the LNP so you have not control and then you said he’s part of the Liberal Party.

PM: He’s not contesting the next election so I think that should be the end of it.

GT: But surely you can’t say that his behaviour is acceptable…

PM: Excuse me, but Jen is expecting me to call in the next five minutes to say goodnight to the girls…

GT: You’re cutting short an interview to say goodnight to your girls?

PM: My girls are my everything and I think it’s really grubby to bring them up in this interview. Please respect their privacy.

GT: But you were the one…

PM: Sorry, but I’m out of time.

GT: Yes, you certainly are.