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Shark Survives Attack By Surfer! Bishop Survives Attack By Left!

So we have a shark swimming by and all of a sudden this surfer, Mick Fanning, sees it and decides to punch it, in spite of not seeing “any teeth”.

Yeah, all right, it sounds silly, but I’m thinking of applying for a job with the Murdoch empire and I’m just practising different ways of framing a story. In fact, I’m rather surprised that they didn’t run with:

“LABOR FAILS TO NOTICE EXCESSIVE EXPENSES FROM BISHOP”

or

“CARBON TAX ADDED TO COST OF HELICOPTER FLIGHT”

But enough about Bronhilda. When even Paul Sheahan and Andrew Bolt are criticising her, we know that she’s done for.

No, we have more important fish to fry. Apparently the impenetrable border has been penetrated.

Yes, in spite of all the safeguards and measures taken on Border Protection, some information has somehow found a way through, and it’s being reported that an asylum seeker boat has been sighted off the coast of Western Australia.

This report from our Canberra Man:

A spokesman for the Minister for Saying Nothing, Mr Peter Dutton, told the media that it remains government policy not to tell us about anything that they don’t want us to know, and when it comes to on-water matters, there is nothing they want us to know, apart from the fact that they’ve stopped the boats. When asked about the reported sighting, the spokesman reminded everybody that until recently Mr Dutton been Minister for Saying Almost Nothing About Health, and it would take him some time to catch up with all the aspects of his new portfolio, although any dual citizens better think very careful before they ask questions or report on boats that may or may not have been sighted by people who may or may not be in ASIO’s custody until they are sure that they didn’t see any so-called boats.

Greens Senator, Sarah Hanson-Young again made a fool of herself by suggesting that the Australian Government should stop keeping Australians in the dark, completely ignoring the fact that the Liberal’s 1975 election slogan was “Turn On The Lights” and that has remained their policy at all times, including during Earth Hour. Ms. Hanson-Young who recently sounded rather paranoid when she argued that Transurban staff were following her, just because one of them got lost and found himself in her hotel closet, has regularly shown her hypocrisy on asylum seekers by suggesting that children somehow have more rights than their adult parents, who according to the results of several elections, have no rights at all.

Attempting to contact DFAT for confirmation, we were told by the person answering the phone said that they couldn’t tell us anything as merely identifying them as a public servant in Canberra was enough information for every to realise that they were the only one left who actually answered phones because the others had all been made redundant. “I’ve been told that if I just lay low, it may be several weeks before anyone realises that I still have a job and I’m replaced by a consulting firm with links to the Liberal Party,” she whispered before the phone went dead.

A Liberal backbencher agreed to be quoted so long as it was off the record and we bought him a drink, saying that if these people wanted to come to Australia they should do it the proper way under the 457 slavery scheme, which was the prefered method of some employers because Australians had chosen not to work by rejecting WorkChoices. Two drinks later he suggested that the election would be held later this year, but the timing depended on when Turnbull looked like getting the numbers, which he assured us Malcolm wasn’t actively seeking because he had others doing it on his behalf. “Once Turnbull has more than ten votes, Abbott’ll be forced to call an election to stop the potential challenge. If I could just convince Malcolm not to do his best work in front of a mirror, we’d have the leadership by now.” Three drinks later, the MP appeared share his thoughts on helicopters by spinning a straw above his head and jumping from table to table, shouting “I’m a Speaker – do you f*ckers expect me to walk?”

Mr Abbott is expected to hold a press conference later this morning to announce an investigation into who leaked the reports of the alleged boat, and whether or not this fell under the definition of sedition under the new guidelines. Mr Abbott is believed to have privately told his closest allies that even if it didn’t, then heads would roll anyway, because the government can always expand the definition to include helping people smugglers by reporting on their existence, but this was said in the strictest confidence and they were all sworn to secrecy, so it was very difficult getting more than one person present to confirm of the leak. Someone at the meeting raised the dilemma of how they were going to justify talking about an increase in the GST, when they’d gone so hard on Labor being the party of taxation and the Carbon tax being a big new tax on everything, to which Mr Abbott is alleged to have assured the member that people forget things easily, and that by the next election people will have forgotten that you were ever a minister if you don’t stop bringing up difficult points.

Christopher Pyne contacted me to tell me that it was all a beat-up, would I please write something about his denial of anything at all, as he hadn’t been in the news lately and how else was he going to be thought of when they’re looking for a new Speaker, if he wasn’t the sort of high profile person that they need.

 

6 comments

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  1. Adrianne Haddow

    I love your work. It has a touch of Monty Python about it. But so does the Abbot non-government.
    Maybe an piece on the blatant propaganda techniques used by the Telegraph is in order. Who would have thought that all the catch phrases could be used on one page? Andrew Bolt, stop the boats,carbon tax, jihadists, welfare, these people, our way of life and …. a free scent of Rupert Murdoch.
    Or did you put together this incredible front page yourself?

  2. rossleighbrisbane

    There’s a random headline generator.
    http://thesauce.co/telegraph_generator/
    The challenge is to find one more ridiculous than the actual real ones.
    Sort of like last year when I published photos of people holding up signs saying why they were voting Liberal. Various people commented that it was a spoof site and the people were just mocking Abbott voters. Unfortunately it was real and the site they were referring to was actually a sendup of the Facebook group where I got the photos. Strangely, it disappeared within 24 hours of my post even though it had been there nearly a year after the election!

  3. Blinkyewok

    Will saint Bronnie be banished from Rabbott kingdom and pretender Pyne take the throne? Will he then be sanctified by the Abbott.?

  4. eli nes

    Rossleigh, I am surprised the fixer didn’t put you on the right track about everything!!!!!

  5. Pingback: Shark Survives Attack By Surfer! Bishop Survives Attack By Left! | olddogthoughts

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