Barry – G’day.

Garry – G’day. Can I buy you a drink?

Barry – Gees mate, you’re lucky I’m not a woman!

Garry – Why?

Barry – Didn’t you hear about Simon at work? He’s been done for sexual harassment…

Garry – Yeah but he denies it.

Barry – Yeah but does he strenuously deny it?

Garry – Does it matter? I mean he denies it…

Barry – Nah, nah mate. You’ve got to look at all these celebrities which I’m not going to name for legal reasons but let’s just call them Tom, Dick and Harry. Now, take Tom…

Garry – Where am I taking him?

Barry – You’re not taking him anywhere because he’s in jail. Anyway, he emphatically denied the accusations of sexual assault and he ended up in jail.

Garry – Ok, well, that’s all very well, but where’s me drink?

Barry – Oh sorry. Two beers, please…

Garry – So he denied it and ended up in jail. What’s your point?

Barry – No, I need to move on to the other two before I make my point. Take Dick…

Garry – I’d rather not thanks.

Barry – Well, that’s the point, isn’t it? Dick was a bit insistent after a few drinks but when he was accused of doing something wrong, he categorically denied it, so his mates understood and just told him to watch his drinking. Whereas Harry strenuously denied it and they thought, what a guy and gave him a promotion, because we like strong men who are strenuous…

Garry – Yeah but I don’t see how this relates to Simon.

Barry – Well, it’s his whole lack of an adverb to go with his denial. Now it’s true that if you choose the wrong adverb you can end up in jail. I mean, emphatically merely means that you’re giving your denial emphasis, so it’s really no better than a simple Simon like denial. It’s like shouting; “Not Guilty!’ when they ask you how you plead. It just makes you look guilty, but when you use a word like categorically, it shows that you’re educated because you know that categorically means without doubt or without any possibility of being changed. Someone using the word “categorically” has a fine legal mind, and they’re sort of saying; “Don’t fuck with me!”

Garry – Which is sort of ironic, given what they’ve been accused of.

Barry – Let’s not go down the irony path here. I still haven’t explained Harry.

Garry – Isn’t he now in charge of the free world?

Barry – No, Harry isn’t actually Donald Trump…

Garry – Speaking of Donald, did you see what he did with one hand the other day?

Barry – You mean when he drank that glass of water?

Garry – No when he made that little white supremacy sign just before he drank the water.

Barry – I’m sure it wasn’t. He was just doing the; “I’m ok” so that his minders knew that he was ok to drink the water unaided.

Garry – Ya reckon?

Barry – Of course. Surely the Americans wouldn’t elect a racist.

Garry – Just someone who was too ignorant to know what the hand signal meant.

Barry – Exactly. Anyway, when anyone says that they strenuously deny something, it means that they’re prepared to fight anyone who says it.

Garry – While someone who says categorically has a fine legal mind and they think they’ll win in court because they have lots of friends who’re probably thinking there but for the grace of God…

Barry – Yep, that’s pretty much it.

Garry – Yeah but what about that guy in Melbourne. He strenuously denied accusations and then was suddenly too ill to be interviewed or continue as mayor.

Barry – Yeah, well I don’t think we should comment on specific people here but clearly strenuously and I’m too stressed don’t go well together. I think we should move back to the point that without a strong adverb, Simon is toast.

Garry – But won’t he be able to cross-examine the people making the complaint?

Barry – It’s not a court of law. I mean, if this was a criminal case, then Simon would be given every opportunity to intimidate the witnesses in open court, but this is just an internal enquiry and they’ll want to keep it all hush-hush, so Simon will probably given a large redundancy and he’ll move on to a job somewhere else. Poor guy.

Garry – What about his accuser?

Barry – Accusers.

Garry – Yeah. I mean, it’s not going to be very pleasant knowing that they could come after us at any moment just because we make some innocent moment where we admire their clothes or ask them to take them off because we don’t like them.

Barry – Yeah, I imagine they’ll be sent to other branches so that they don’t have to face the ignominy of people know that they’re responsible for Simon having to move on to another job.

Garry – I’ll miss Simon.

Barry – Emphatically.

Garry – Categorically.

Barry – Strenuously.

Garry – My shout!