There’s something very reassuring and inspiring about the Prime Minister’s four phase plan.

No, I don’t mean the one about post photos of Jen and the girls if photos of him making a curry isn’t enough to distract from the last SNAFU. In case you haven’t seen it,

• PHASE 1: Reaching a certain vaccination threshold after offering all Australians the chance to get the vaccine
• PHASE 2: Post-vaccination phase where focus shifts from suppressing the virus to minimising serious illness and death.
• PHASE 3: Consolidation phase where health authorities manage Covid-19 similar to other infectious diseases like the flu.
• PHASE 4: Complete return to normal with no lockdowns or border closures, and quarantine only for unvaccinated travellers.

As Scotty from 100 easy curries to make using more ingredients than you need, explained “The first phase is the one we are in – vaccinate, prepare and pilot…We continue to suppress the virus. That involves the implementation of the national vaccination plan to offer every Australian an opportunity to be vaccinated with the necessary doses of the relevant vaccine as soon as possible.” This explains why he was photographed sitting in the cockpit of that plane. It’s not because the pit was named after him; it’s to show that he’s our pilot. Phase one also includes the helpful information that we’ll reach “a certain vaccination threshold” which is so much better than the uncertain one that we’ve had until now. This also explains why he offered the under forties the chance to go to their doctor and be charged to have their GP tell them that they didn’t advise it and there weren’t enough vaccines to go round anyway.

See we’ll soon all have the opportunity because it’ll happen as soon as possible, which is the same deadline for so many other priorities like an integrity commission, an inquiry by Phil Gaetjens or infrastructure in a safe Labor seat.

Of course many of you may have noticed that according to the PM, we’re not in Phase Two yet. That’s the one where «focus shifts from suppressing the virus to minimising serious illness and death.”

This explains why we need to open up, get out from  under the doona and avoid lockdown until we say “whoops, should have done it before there were so many hot spots that nobody can be bothered reading them all.”

Anyway, Mr Morrison has inspired me to develop my own four phase plan for helping kids catch up after all the remote learning they’ve done.

• PHASE 1: Reaching a certain attendance threshold after offering all students the chance to return to the classroom and teachers to ensure that they’re professionally dressed both top and bottom.
• PHASE 2: Post-return phase where focus shifts from work students can be doing at home to situation where they can be distracted by nearby students instead of their siblings and parents.
• PHASE 3: Consolidation phase where authorities manage any problems by suggesting it’s the fault of new fads in education, a lack of quality graduates becoming teachers, or teachers just not trying hard enough.
• PHASE 4: Complete return to normal with no concern about how kids are learning and no remote learning or school closures, and stories about education reserved for when some narrow international test shows that we’re behind some other countries when we always able to be number one in the world like we are in all sports and other endeavours.

Before closing I’d just like to respond to what Julia Banks said about why she left politics. She’s accused Morrison of being menacing and like a wallpaper. Now I’d just like to point out that the only time anyone’s suggested that a wallpaper is «menacing » was in a 19th Century story called “The Yellow Wallpaper” about a woman with mental illness, and as we know from reports which the PMO assures us doesn’t come from them about all those other women negative saying things about the Big Swinging Dicks club, you can’t ever believe any woman who got stressed because none of the Liberal men have ever experienced sexism and anyone who has must be a bit of a girl who can’t stand the rough and tumble of politics like blokes can. Now I have it on good authority – not the PMO’s office, no definitely not, we don’t need another six month long inquiry into who knew nothing and what they didn’t say about what they didn’t know – that the Prime Minister reached out to Ms Banks and tried to understand but she was too upset to express her reasons clearly and what can a bloke do when a woman just says that she’s leaving because of the disgusting behaviour and bullying of the people in charge except shake his head and sigh and make another curry.

Say what you like about Mr Morrison. I always find him an inspiration.