I was talking to a senior Liberal during the week… Ok, not a Member of Cabinet. But someone very senior. I know he was very senior because I saw his senior’s card when he got the cheap meal at the RSL. And I know he was a Liberal because he told me that he just couldn’t vote Labor but he was thinking of voting for the Independent in the coming election even though she was a woman.
Anyway, we had a bit of a conversation about the coming election after he complained about waiting in line and I said that this was the RSL and Dutton won’t cop any criticism of the ADF. This led to him scoffing and going, “We’re going to lose the election unless that Dutton guy does something like declare martial law because of that dangerous situation.”
”Ukraine?” I asked.
”No, that dickhead in charge of the country who seems to think that smiling at the camera while he pretends to do some menial task is enough to make people forget that he’s the most incompetent PM we’ve had since… aw shit, even Billy McMahon wasn’t this bad and he told everyone to vote Labor by mistake!”
Well, the conversation got me thinking and then I read the hashtag libspill on Twitter and that’s a sure sign that some people are hoping there’ll be one. By a strange coincidence, the next day there were some people in blue shirts handing out show bags with Josh Frydenberg’s name printed on the side. Actually it’s probably not that strange – they’ve been there every week even though no election has been called and in all that time I’ve only seen them give away three show bags.
“Is there a car park in there?” I asked.
“Very funny,” said the man giving them out.
”So I presume Josh will be challenging for the leadership.”
”We’re still confident of winning.”
”Next you’ll tell me about the car park in the bag. No, I meant before the election in the hope of saving the furniture.”
He dropped his shoulders and sighed. “Josh isn’t stupid.”
I decided to let this extremely controversial statement stand. Instead I offered the observation that whoever deposed Morrison was likely to lose and ruin their chances to ever become PM.
He nodded. “Yep, neither he nor Dutton want the job now, so while most of the party would feel more confident if we had a different leader, there’s really nobody with any ambition likely to challenge.”
“Right,” I said.
“Do you want a bag?”
“Have you got one in purple with Chinese writing?”
I continued on with my shopping but when I came home, I started to wonder. If neither of the two contenders were prepared to lead the Coalition to a loss, who could they turn to? I mean, it’s not a completely silly idea to pick a third choice who doesn’t have the baggage of people knowing their face… or in Josh’s case either of his faces.
So I looked down the list of ministers in the Morrison government. I ruled out the senators because the Prime Minister comes from the lower house and it would be too complicated to move someone this close to the election. I ruled out anyone with a major scandal.
I was left with three candidates. Sussan Ley, who could counteract the idea that the Coalition are sexist and don’t take women seriously. I ruled her out because the Big Swinging Dicks club wouldn’t stand for her, and nobody can take a woman who added an “S” to her name because of numerological considerations seriously. “Ladies and Gentlemen, my first act in this campaign is to announce that we are changing the name of our country to AuSStralLLiabecause this will increase our power and our luck!”
Second was Ken Wyatt but he wouldn’t be acceptable to Andrew Bolt who isn’t a racist but Wyatt’s views on Indigenous matters would mean that he was far too radical for the right wing columnists who insist that everything should be decided on merit and that excludes people who aren’t white males.
So that leaves only one possible candidate. Paul Fletcher! Not only does he seem to have no ambition but he also has the great advantage that nobody associates him with a scandal. Or indeed anything. I very much doubt if anyone can remember a single thing that he’s responsible for.
There you have it; There’ll be a spill and Paul Fletcher will be installed as PM in the hope of “saving the furniture”. Or else Scotty will just call the election next week and claim the current situation with thisandthat is so somethingorother that we need the certainty of a stable government who doesn’t have the distraction of an election in the next couple of months so let’s get it out of the way because an eagle told him that it was what God wanted.
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