“Good afternoon, we were hoping to speak to Scott Morrison about the Homebuilder scheme but unfortunately he’s meeting with Josh Frydenberg to plan their next big announcement, so we’re talking to government spokesperson, Ivor Grey Tyedear. Welcome, Mr Tyedear.”

“Thanks for having me. Obviously Mr Morrison needs to ensure that his next big announcement is something that grabs people’s attention and has everyone talking.”

“Yes, I imagine that the government is keen to avoid a debacle like the $60 billion JobKeeper stuff-up.”

“No, that was a great announcement. It was just the details of the actual program that were a problem and that’s down to the Public Service. Remember, it’s not government’s job to implement policy, we just announce it and blame those responsible for not delivering it when the time comes.”

“But that makes it sound like you announce things even though you have no idea about whether they’re possible or not.”

“Yes… Is there a question?”

“Um, ah,.. yeah…  Can you just go through the details of who’s eligible for this Homebuilder package?”

“Yes, it’s quite simple. For a start, it’s means tested so people earning more than $125,000 if they’re single or $200,000 if they’re a couple are ineligible for the scheme, but if the individual is a couple then he or she is not eligible because only couples who aren’t individuals are eligible but individuals who aren’t couples are, but only if they can demonstrate their individuality. If you’re lucky enough to fit below the threshold you get $25,000 toward your renovation or build, as long as you spend over $150,000 but less than $750,000 and use a tradesperson approved by Scott Cam and agree to start work before the plans are drawn up and approved by local council.”

“It does seem that places a rather large number of restrictions on it…”

“Yes, there’s a ridiculous amount of red tape involved in local council decisions. Once upon a time you could knock down some old so-called heritage building to construct a coal-fired power station next to a hospital or a school without all this need for environmental approval but sadly those days are gone.”

“No, I meant there’s unlikely to be many people who are eligible.”

“Ah but that’s where you’re wrong. Many, many of our biggest constituents have taxable incomes of less than $1000 a year but in spite of this they manage to make the necessary sacrifices to send their kids to a good school and still demonstrate their thrift by not only having several investment properties but still being able to donate to the Liberal Party.”

“It’s also been suggested that not many renovations would cost as much as $150,000…”

“Well, I don’t know where you’ve been getting your marble kitchen benches and your gold taps from but I’d suggest that they may not be the genuine article.”

“So why was this given priority over other industries?”

“Well, we were concerned that tradies are likely to find that when their current work finishes there’ll be a shortfall in the number of jobs.”

“Yes, but tradies have generally been still working. Why was this done in anticipation of a shortfall when people in tourism, hospitality, the arts, universities are all facing a lack of work now?”

“Oh, so you’re one of those anti-tradie elitists who think that the intellectual know-it-alls should be handed a living just because they believe in climate change and watch the ABC…”

“I have no figures on how many baristas and kitchen hands watch the ABC, but what would it matter if they did?”

“Well, it wouldn’t if the ABC were providing balance but lasts week’s QandA, for example, had a number of people who oppose the government’s stated policy on climate change without any attempt at balance.”

“They had Matt Canavan.”

“Exactly. He doesn’t support our stated policy, he only supports our actual policy of helping coal as much as possible.”

“So you can’t offer any help to the industries I mentioned?”

“Of course we can. The PM and Treasurer are working on a program where people in those industries can be given assistance providing they can prove they weren’t receiving any government benefits from 1864 onwards. If they don’t have records going back that far, we can assume that like those who were issued with demands under the income averaging scheme…”

“You mean Robodebt?”

“We don’t use that term in my office.”

“Because it’s not the correct name?”

“No, because it’s got a terribly bad press just because some people reacted badly to being issued with a demand for a large amount of money.”

“So if the person doesn’t have a debt then they’ll be eligible for some government assistance?”

“Now I don’t want to preempt the PM or the Treasurer, but no, not necessarily. If they can prove their lack of bad debts, then there’ll be a few other qualifications because we can’t have people getting it if they’re not entitled to it.”

“But you determine who’s entitled to it, so the more qualifications you put on it the harder it is for someone who really needs it to get it.”

“Yes, that’s the intention. If we give handouts to needy people they’ll end up needing it and then they’ll have no incentive not to need it...”

“Can you give me an example of some of these qualifications. Let’s take a comedian as an example, because the Comedy Festival was cancelled leaving many without any chance of recouping the outlay they made on things like flyers and booking fees.”

“Ok, well, we’d need to check that the comedian had been funny for a period of twelve months leading into the Comedy Festival and this would entail checking their jokes to make sure that there was nothing inappropriate or too politically correct…”

“Hang on, doesn’t policing jokes to ensure that they’re not politically correct amount to a sort of new PC?”

“No, it’s really simple. Something is only politically correct if politically correct people object to it. If someone like Scott Morrison objects to a joke, then he’s just expresses a personal preference but if someone with enormous power like say, someone with 24 followers on Twitter complains, then they’re stifling free speech.”

“Anyway, so imagine someone has been funny for twelve months, are they then eligible for… what are you calling this one ClownKeeper?”

“Don’t be ridiculous! It’s called ComicKeeper. Anyway, that’s just the start. They have to prove that they earned the sort of income from their comedy that would enable them to do something like a $150,000 renovation, and if they weren’t that funny then maybe they shouldn’t have given up their day job.”

“What if their day job was washing dishes?”

“Exactly.”

“But there aren’t too many dishwasher jobs. I mean they would have lost that one too…”

“Well, maybe they should have become a tradie like Scott Cam suggested…”

“Sorry, but we’re out of time. Thank you.”

“A pleasure.”