Now some of you may have noticed that we have a new Prime Minister…
I mean Scott Morrison, just in case some of you either haven’t caught with the news or were afraid that Peter Dutton had decided to have another go as revenge on whichever Liberal leaked the fact that old Mr Potato Head does, in fact, have a compassionate side. Ok, it may only be for French au pair girls, but it sort of undermines his image as the hard man of the party.
Anyway, Mr Morrison – or ScoMo, as we’re all encouraged to call him – is an evangelical Christian. That’s ok. I have nothing against religion. Whether you want to believe that God created a world with sin in it just so he could crucify his son and forgive us for the transgressions of Adam and Eve or whether you think that saying “Beam me up, Scottie” will get you back to the mothership, that’s fine with me. It’s only when you people start trying to impose their religion on others that the trouble starts.
Of course, Mr Morrison is a member of the Liberal Party so this shouldn’t be a problem. As you may have noticed, the Liberal Party have no trouble asserting their strong beliefs and values in principle and then totally ignoring them in practice. Take free speech and Chelsea Manning, as a recent example. Or take one of their most cherished beliefs: The market is best and governments shouldn’t interfere with the free market. This is one of their core tenets… Except, of course, when it comes to coal-fired power stations. Obviously, Mr Morrison isn’t going to let his beliefs as a Christian – or a Liberal – have any effect on his term as PM.
Mr Morrison is on your side. I know this because, at his first press conference, he looked straight at the camera and said, “I’m on your side!” This could be confusing to some people. Was he talking to the cameraman? Or the person behind the cameraman? Or was he talking to someone he knew was listening to the press conference, like the IPA? Or was he talking to Malcolm, just to remind him that he really was on Malcolm’s side still and he only took the job as PM as a favour to the leader he was so ambitious just a few days earlier?
In fact, he cleared it up with a tweet. “Today I gave each of my Ministers a lapel pin with the Australian flag on it. I’ve been wearing this for many years now. The reason I wear it is because it reminds me every single day whose side I’m on. I’m on the side of the Australian people.”
Of course, this would have been a difficult tweet to get exactly right. I mean if he hadn’t added that last sentence it might have still been unclear about whose side he was on. Or if he’d written: “The reason I wear it is because it reminds me every single day I’m on the side of the Australian people”, it may have sounded like there was likely to be some confusion and he needed reminding about whose side he’s on. After all, I’m sure Barnaby Joyce’s new partner wouldn’t like it if he announced that he was wearing a pin because it reminds him that he’s committed to her and without it, he’s liable to forget that he’s not to hang around in bars trying to pick up women.
So Scott’s on your side. But apparently only if you “have a go”, because as we learn from Mr Morrison’s Twitter account:
“Family businesses like Galvatech are more than just companies. They represent Australians – like John and Darren – having a go and getting a fair go.”
As the Liberal Party clarified on Twitter by quoting our unifying leader:
“If you have a go in this country, you will get a go. There is a fair go for those who have a go – that’s what fairness in Australia means.”
In Australia, in Australia, you must “have a go to get a go”. By inference, if you don’t have a go, you don’t get a go. And “having a go” means being in business, obviously, because it’s partners like John and Darren that represent Australians. By “partners”, of course, I mean business partners because – given his stand on marriage equality – there’s no way Scott would be endorsing them as representing Australians if they were a same-sex couple. Neither would he be encouraging them to “have a go”. However, they’re in business and that means they’ll get a “fair go”, but if you’re not getting a “fair go” then that’s probably because you’re not “having a go” and that’s got nothing to do with the government, because the government helps those who help themselves. Like, for example, au pair girls because they’re prepared to “have a go”, while those arriving in a leaky boat are queue jumping who doesn’t deserve a “fair go” because they’re not ‘having a go”. Although I would have thought that risking your life trying to emigrate to another country might be construed as “having a go”, but I’m not the expert here.
Apparently, this is where Jesus got it wrong. No, not because his parents being illegal immigrants into Egypt, fleeing their homeland just because Herod was “having a go” and slaughtering the firstborn son in every household, thereby getting rid of potential challengers in a way that was even more ruthless than recent Prime Ministerial spills. According to the press releases, Jesus managed to feed a multitude with just a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread. However, he distributed them to everyone, Bloody bleeding heart. This is not the sort of Jesus that the Liberals believe in. Surely reports of Jesus kicking the money lenders out of the temple are fake news and he merely accidentally knocked over one of the tables in his rush to pat them all on the back. Surely Jesus wouldn’t have fed people merely because they were hungry, without asking if they were “having a go”! No, according to Scoomoo, this sort of approach isn’t the Australian way.
In Australia, you need to prove yourself worthy before you’re entitled to a “fair go”. And one of the best ways to show you’re “having a go” is to not need any government help – unless you’re a farmer in a drought area or a coal miner.