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Satanic Football Ban – Christian School Acts

By David Ayliffe 

Children at a remote Victorian Christian School have been forbidden to watch, play or discuss football by the conservative Principal of the school, Phil Upright, who calls the game “Satanic”.

Pastor Phil Upright, who leads the “Discriminate a right and a Privilege Independent Thinking Political Party” also heads Liberty Christian Church and is Principal of the Church’s Christian School in the small Wimmera town of Genesis.

Upright not only bans the sport but has pioneered a revolutionary re-education program called “On the Mark” to help students repent of “the aberration of football”. The course trains students to “resist the devil” through fasting and prayer, repetition of Bible verses whenever football urges arise, and a prohibition on ice cream for offenders.

Locals report that the secret weapon in the course is a huge black leather King James Bible weighing as much as three six packs of lemon squash – the beverage of choice of the church – that participants are required to carry with them all day and use as their pillow to sleep at night.

The On-the-Mark Bible, weighing in at about 6kg, is reportedly so heavy that students struggle to hold it in their arms with two hands clutched around it. Young teenagers have been seen struggling through the main street holding the Bible, only able to manage a few steps at a time before they have to stop and rest. Some have even been seen falling down under the weight.

Yet Pastor Upright claims “this has been a Godsend, the huge Bibles help our children expend energy they may have otherwise used in the addictive pursuit of Football. On the Mark is helping us curb a problem in our community and stop it reach epidemic proportions as is seen throughout the nation. It’s incredible to think that in Victoria we now have a public holiday for Football – you’ll never see that for Christianity, except for Christmas and Easter.”

Upright claims that On the Mark has been 95% successful with suffering students now able to resist the lure of the ball.

“God’s purpose for leather is Bibles, not football!”

A large black and white sign “God’s purpose for leather is Bibles not football” adorns the entrance to Liberty Christian Centre welcoming visitors to 9 to 9 Sunday services at Liberty Christian Church where Pastor Phil amazes his congregation with preaching through 12 hour worship services that draws football references from every verse of the Bible. A quiz during the service has members producing obscure verses from the Old and New Testaments to which Pastor Phil reveals the anti-football purpose in the verses. The member who proposes the most obscure Bible verse on the day receives a Six Pack of Lemon Squash from Pastor Phil.

Elders Jack and Jill Godwin, long term members of the church and repeat recipients of the Six Pack award preferred to remain anonymous when they spoke to the writer. Singing the praises of the church and Pastor Phil’s grand football fight beamed each week on the big screen, Jack Godwin held back tears as he said “I would have never known that Jesus was thinking of football in the shortest verse in the Bible, John Chapter 11 verse 35 where it says “Jesus Wept”!, “Pastor Phil has opened my eyes to it. God has given Pastor Phil an incredible prophetic gift to see what others can’t see, and worse, will never see.”

“Would you like a pikelet,” his wife Jill declared to the author as she continued on from her husband “On those two words alone, “Jesus Wept”, Pastor Phil covered the history of AFL going back to when it was founded in 1858. He preached on that for 7 weeks producing 35 hours of teaching material that is sold through his Amazon online shop and is being used around the world … in some places.”

Upright is not applauded by all in Genesis. President of the local Country Women’s Association and widow of a former Shire President, Ethel Campfort. Ethel – 86 years old – and by her own confession a lifelong AFL “tragic” Collingwood supporter, has organised protests outside Upright’s church. The protests involved fellow CWA members regularly holding cake sales outside the church with large signs around their table: “FOOTBALL FOR ALL!”, “FREE THE CHILDREN!”, “BAN THE BIG BLACK”, and “MOTHERS FOR FOOTY”.

“It’s dreadful seeing healthy young children and strapping teenagers walking down the Main Street muttering Bible verses under their breath and buckling under the load of Bibles so big they should be on wheels,” says Ethel Campfort.

“Some of these kids can barely walk carrying those Bibles. It’s a crime and should be banned. Upright should be laid low in prison.”

Rumours that Upright has argued in Liberty Church that too much Football would lead to blindness have not been confirmed.


30 comments

  1. nonsibicunctis

    I like the notion of this poll and some of the poll questions. However, I notice that it doesn’t appear to record whether or not one has filled it in previously, so I wonder what real value it has, if any. I also find that adding a comment within a question, such as that relating to Halloween, is inappropriate. What is indicated may be only one reason for not liking Halloween and, in any case, is implied derogation of the US – which may or may not be valid but shouldn’t be part of a poll on a separate issue.

    I know that I’m too serious for so many people have told me so throughout my life. I recognise that this is probably meant to be taken lightly and as an opportunity for the majority of AIMN members to express their feelings as a bit of fun, with the results largely being predictable.

    However, such polls could be useful if structured and implemented well and transparently. If they are not then they open up AIMN to the same sorts of criticisms that are regularly voiced here of the Mainstream Media.

    Let’s set the example rather than follow a bad one, eh?

  2. nonsibicunctis

    I assume that the article regarding the hellish influence of football is tongue in cheek, is it? I sincerely hope so.

    My seriousness and concern at the negative influence of religion causes me to be particularly susceptible to believing such accounts of the perfidy of believers in mythical omnipotent figures.

  3. christopherjward

    Nonbisicuntis – you bloody would! “My seriousness and concern at the negative influence of religion causes me to be particularly susceptible to believing such accounts of the perfidy of believers in mythical omnipotent figures.” are just bloody words. I’ve found some atheists, agnostics and heathens to be more tolerant than you. The jerk at the centre of this argument doesn’t deserve to be dignified as either a Pastor or a Christian. Trying reading up on Jonestown, if you can prise your thinking apparatus from the chair.

  4. Margot

    Is this a joke?

  5. Shaun Newman

    These cults are in the main the Australian Branches of the United States of North American (USNA) pentecostal cult – the assembly of god which has infiltrated Australia big time. They gather vulnerable people and then charge them 10% of their income to “belong” and since most of these people have depression or no friends they suddenly get a few hundred “friends” but I still see them on internet dating sites having been brainwashed looking for other social misfits of the opposite sex, tragic, really tragic!

  6. terence mills

    This article seems to lack authenticity. Are there any references, links or other news reports on this school and its ban on footie ?

    Also the response ” Mr Baxter Lands Gigantic Deal”, above is a scam

    Take Care !

  7. Vikingduk

    Michael Taylor, I’m really pleased you cleared that up, I was about to start a go fund me campaign to purchase wheel barrows to ease their way as they trundle life’s hiways & biways.

  8. Kampbell

    Michael, as I live in Queensland, which is infected with US style “churches”, which produce uninformed and very conservative zombie followers, this could easily be true.

  9. Michael Taylor

    nonsibicunctis, don’t take the polls seriously. They are only there for reader involvement, and so far have proved very popular.

    The main problem with them is … I’m running out of ideas for polls.

  10. Diannaart

    Thank you, Michael.

    I thought maybe Rossleigh was using a nom de plume.

  11. terence mills

    Michael

    Thanks for clearing that up. Like Kampbell, I live in Queensland and demonising AFL is not unheard of here !

  12. nonsibicunctis

    Yes, Michael, that’s basically the conclusion to which I came. However, couldn’t they be developed into something more significant and/or more detailed.

    For instance:

    Have you ever changed the Party represented by the candidate for whom you have voted?
    if yes to the above, how many times?
    Why? On impulse. Distaste for the personal attributes of the candidate. One or more policies or opinions of the candidate? Maner of pre-selection of the candidate. Unethihcal, immoral or negatively prejudicial attitudes to minority groups by the candidate?

    …..

    Do you find it spurious or even significantly misleading [and therefore effectively false advertising] for the Liberal Pary to call itself such?

    ….

    Do you think that rural industries and residents are adequately served by a Party which is has a minor role in the government?
    If yes to the above, do you think that ti would benefit those constitutents for the National/Country Party coalitions with the Liberal Party to cease?

    Do you believe that our 3 tier system of government is necessary?
    Do youi believe that it is too complex?
    Do you believe that everyday workers have eqitable access to stand for and serve on local government bodies?

    Should electoral voting for Political Parties continue or should it be replace by allowing only publicity and candidacy by individuals, regardless of their allegiances, putting forward their personal conscience led views on issues affecting the polity?

    ….

    Are you aware that the Prime Minister is NOT elected by the voters but achieves the role by being the leader of the Party forming government?

    What is the role of the Senate? – To block legislation / To review legislation / To amend legislation / Can the Senate introduce legislation?

    What happens if the Senate rejects a Bill on 3 successive occasions? It lapses / Everyone cheers / The PM commits suicide

    …..

    Do all Australian State Parliaments have an Upper and a Lower House?

    Does it need generous and preferential benefits to attrack good quality candidates to parliament?
    Why?
    What attributes should a good candidate have?
    How would they be assessed?

    …..

    Etc, etc. i.e. perhaps use the polls to build some form of database of the varying opinions and knowledge of AIMN contributors and readers, as well as to educate them about our political system.

    We can, I think, reasonably infer that most AIMN readers and supporters have a strong core commonality in attitude to fundamental elements of equity and democracy. I think it also reasonable to assume that most consider the present system of representation and decision making to be less than satisfactory and quite open to influence on the basis of donated largesse, both individually and collectively.

    At the same time, I sense that there will be many areas about which there are substantially different views and beliefs. Would it not be useful to discover what are those less collectively held areas and to use at least some of the space in these columns to discuss/debate the pros and cons of the different views? Perhaps a core topic each month, for instance?

    I’m no guru and have no special expertise. Perhaps my suggestion is odd, ridiculous, impractical or whatever. Perhaps others will simply think it of no particular use. I don’t have any axe to grind about it. I just put it forward for thought. I realise also that it would take some thought and effort. I am no IT whiz but I do have experience with database construction and management and would be prepared to handle or contribute to that part of things in relation to gathering data and analysing and summarising results – IF that were to be welcome and a help. Perhaps even a small group could be established to formulate topics, questions, and processing …

    If not – no hard feelings. It is, as you say, a bit of fun and allows us to air our irritations and particular likes and dislikes about current issues and actions of our parliamentary parasites.

  13. Rossleigh

    Diannaart, I would never write satire about something as sacred as football…
    Although I do understand that some in the Christian community would be concerned that playing football leads to such unsavoury things as men hugging, showering together and allowing other males to “rub them down” before, after and during a game… Makes men marrying each other seem quite unremarkable and middle class by comparison.

  14. Rossleigh

    Though I must say ’tis a sad, sad day when intelligent people have to ask, “Is this satire?”
    It is even sadder when people read some things and don’t even ask the question.
    But the saddest of all is when we read what the Trumpster and Scomo are actually saying and just presuming it must come from one of those satiric sites like “The Betoota Advocate” or “Sky After Dark”…

  15. Joseph Carli

    Now don’t think for a moment I condone the language in this piece…I am just reporting it as it happened at the MCG.

    Many years ago, back in the 70’s, I was working in Melbourne, and on a Monday morning smoko, this young labourer told the gathering there about an event he witnessed at the footy at the “G” (MCG) that Saturday…it seems at the height of the action between (I think) Collingwood and Essendon..(the lad was a Essendon supporter and the foreman a die-hard ‘Pies’), at some place in the spectators area where it gets a bit rough (I’m not savvy with the G), this young woman who had been drinking a fair bit got all agitated about her team losing and getting sledged by the opposition supporters there, started hitting those next to her with her big leather handbag…This caused everybody to press back away from her so that soon, with her swinging that bag around by the long, leather sling, there was a circle of tight-pressed people just out of reach of that weapon as it swung around and around..

    It wasn’t long before some became agitated themselves and started calling and shouting..:

    “Hit the moll, hit the moll….someone just hit the moll!”

    And then, out of the perimeter of the crowd steps a kind of “Sir Galahad”..and with a chivalrous determination, steps straight up to the woman, who stops swinging her bag and stands wearily next to him as he moves in a circular motion slowly around that space saying all the while in a calming, gravitas tone, both hands slowly pumping up and down like he was bouncing a basket ball in each…:

    “No…no..no-one hits the moll…no-one-hits-the-moll, no-one-hits-the-moll…”

    Chivalry is not dead, what?

  16. Michael Taylor

    nonsibicunctis, your suggestions and offer are accepted, and I might add, truly appreciated.

    Could I get you to email me at theaimn@internode.on.net?

  17. nonsibicunctis

    christopherjward

    Nonbisicuntis – you bloody would! “My seriousness and concern at the negative influence of religion causes me to be particularly susceptible to believing such accounts of the perfidy of believers in mythical omnipotent figures.” are just bloody words. I’ve found some atheists, agnostics and heathens to be more tolerant than you. The jerk at the centre of this argument doesn’t deserve to be dignified as either a Pastor or a Christian. Trying reading up on Jonestown, if you can prise your thinking apparatus from the chair.

    Oh dear, Christopher, perhaps a sit down or a tranquiliser would help. “Nonsibicunctis – you bloody would!” – What would I “bloody would” and on what basis do you make that assertion?

    Yes, I agree with you to the extent that words are “just … words”, however it is a truism that there choice, their conjugation and their interpolation allows the presentation of views, passsng of information, and communication among people.

    On what basis you have come to an assessment of my level of tolerance, I have no idea. As far as I know, I’ve had no contact with you and don’t know you.

    ‘Heathens’ is an obsolescent term that has no valid current meaning and only ever had in the context of and from the perspective of particular religious cults who chose to demonise those who didn’t hold similar views to their own. Ironically, it seems a term more suited to yourself than to me, given the nature of your comment.

    However, if this was your attempt to defend religions, it fails dismally. Firstly, to mount a valid argument, you would need to focus. on an argument based on the origins, formation, doctrine, enforcement, engagement with and life-time of religions, rather than on me. Secondly, you would need to present some evidence that any religion has been or is necessary to explaining our own existence and that of our plaent, the universe and so on… There is none. Not one aspect of our existence requires religion for its explanation, which no doubt explains the inevitable end to rational argument about it with the nonsensical and cyclic: “you wouldn’t understand because you don’t believe.”

    I don’t have to “read up on Jonestown” nor is it particularly relevant to the satirical article on which I made comment. I learned to read from a King James version of the Bible. and am probably one of the few, religious or non-religious people, perhaps leaving aside clerics themselves, who has read it from cover to cover, both old and new testaments. Not only that but I have engaged in a life-long interest in collective manipulation, including the amazing phenomenon of religions to hold and manipulate large groups of people for extensive periods. I have also read many other religious works, religious commentators and religious and non-religious theologians and philosophers.

    I don’t know what you have read but I do know that the overwhelming rational conclusion to a study of religions and human history is that they have done vastly more damage than almost any other human construct and continue to do so today. They are irrational and have not one factual piece of evidence to support their doctrines, creeds and man-made sets of rules, descriptions of miracles or praise of mythical beings.

    I could give you a lengthy reading list that provides within it what cannot but represent incontrovertible evidence that the notion of one ‘God’, let alone the 4000 to 7000. gods invented by humanity since it stood upright.

    If you really want to discuss religion with me, rather than just vent your spleen, then by all means contact me directly at fransdad@gmail.com.

    In terms of this AIMN discussion, the only specifically relevance of such a discussion is that regarding the attempts by various right wing religious members of parliament and others to provide even greater unwarranted discrimination in favour of religious freedoms. This is a nonsense. If we should be doing anything about religious freedom it is to be curtailing it and protecting. other members of our society, particularly our children, from exposure to it. Tax exemption and other privilege status should be withdrawn and the absurdity of swearing oaths on bibles should be dispensed with immediately. Additionally, the blatantly flawed notion that reverence and respect should be payed to clerics should be highlighted in its absurdity. This occupational group stands at the top of those that are responsibie for paedophila and other acts of sexual indecency or abuse. The church was also the mainstay of slavery and remains a major obstacle to women’s rights and the open and broad education of children who should learn to question, not recite the amalgams of many times translated scraps of content written or spoken by we know not who and eventually carefully edited and selected to provide the various ‘holy’ books we have today. ‘Holy’ is probably an appropriate name for them as they tend to have as much missing as they have included.

    Hopefully, by now you have calmed. I wish you well. I urge you to user your intellect in a rational and productive way and not waste it on indulging primitive superstition as though it amounted to s guidebook for life.

  18. Michael Taylor

    Joe, that chivalrous chap could be neither a Collingwood or Essendon supporter. Chivalry is not in their DNA.

    My guess is it was a Port Adelaide supporter visiting Melbourne, who decided to go along to the ‘G to watch a neutral game.

    Port Adelaide supporters are well-known for breaking up fights.

  19. Joseph Carli

    ” Port Adelaide supporters are well-known for breaking up fights.”…..Surely you jest!!??…Who was that umpire WaaaaY back that always favoured Port Adelaide in any decision…He caused many front-bar fights!

  20. Rossleigh

    Ah dear, one should never discuss football or politics in public. It just leads to fights and there aren’t enough Port Adelaide fans to break them up…

  21. Michael Taylor

    Joe, no umpire has ever favoured Port Adelaide! It’s always been Us versus The World.

  22. Michael Taylor

    Rossleigh, you’ll keep. 👿

  23. nonsibicunctis

    Michael, will do. I’ll contact you shortly.
    n.

  24. Joseph Carli

    Was it Laurie Sweeney?

  25. Kronomex

    Collingwood – bblleecchh!!
    I’m surprised that most players aren’t seeing doctors after a game because kicking balls around for 80 odd minutes must leave them in agony and in dire need of giant-size ice bags. You would think they would use some sort of leather large leather ball instead.

  26. Diannaart

    Port Adelaide – my cousin would verify every word, Michael, and I know which team I will place second after the mighty Saints in my heart if/when I manage to move to SA.

    Rossleigh, what goes on in the change rooms, stays in the change rooms. 🤐

  27. Joseph Carli

    “Sturt..Sturt!…Rub them in the dirt!..”……………and other ditties.

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