Quizmaster: Good evening, we’re here tonight to ask questions about the problems besetting this country. Sally, do you want to introduce the contestants?
Sally: Thanks, Rupert. First we have Tony who’s an outstanding guy. He’s into sports and camping, and he just loves women. Our second, contestant is Bill who has a bit of a shady past because he once worked for a union and he brought down two Prime Ministers. Finally, we have some guy representing The Greens.
Quizmaster: Right would you like to all test your buzzers.
(They do so.)
Tony: Good evening.
Bill: Good evening.
Greens guy(muffled): Mmmm. (Shouting) My microphone doesn’t seem to be working!
Quizmaster: That’s ok, if you want to answer, just press your buzzer and we’ll get someone else to explain what you were actually going to say.
Greens guy (shouting): But that’s ridiculous.
Quizmaster: Sally, the gag. (Sally gags him) Now, our first question. What should we do to reduce unemployment?
(Bill buzzes in.)
Bill: Ah yes, unemployment needs to be reduced, and only Labor have a clear policy for doing that. Our Gonski reforms and our commitment to renewable energy will lead to…
Quizmaster: Sorry, but your time is up, and Tony is about to press his buzzer.
Quizmaster: Press your buzzer, Tony.
Tony: Ah… ah… just a second here. (He looks round, Peta Credlin walks in, puts his hand on the buzzer and presses down.)
Tony: Ah… right… what was the question again?
Quizmaster: What should we do to reduce unemployment?
Tony: Yes well, in the time I’ve been Prime Minister we’ve achieved great things. We’ve stopped the boats… and ah… we… have begun the difficult task of cleaning up Labor’s mess.
Bill: The question was about unemployment!
Quizmaster: Tony has the floor. Don’t interrupt.
Tony: I think that’s about all I’ve got to say.
(Greens guy presses his buzzer)
Quizmaster: Thank you, but before you speak, can I just remind viewers about your party’s loony policies on such things as restricting fracking, safe injecting houses, same sex marriage and shutting down our perfectly good power stations?
(Greens guy muffles something inaudible through the gag.)
Quizmaster: It’s no good we can’t understand you. Next question, what should be done about the budget emergency?
(Bill buzzes in.)
Bill: I think that was my buzzer.
Quizmaster: Ah, yes, but we’re going to ignore the buzzers from hereonin as it’s not fair to Tony who has to wait for Peta to help him press it. Tony?
Tony: Thanks, I’d just like to say that we’ve been very successful in stopping the boats.
Quizmaster: Thanks Tony, that’s true but would you like to add anything about economics as this point?
Tony: Ah…ah… yes… I’d just like to say that Prince Philip is a smashing guy and I’m giving him a knighthood.
Quizmaster: Um… I’m sorry, Tony, but we can’t actually give you any marks for that question. We best just move on to the next question.
Bill: But I didn’t get a chance to answer.
Quizmaster: Well the budget emergency isn’t really worth asking about any more. It’s really pretty much just something that was a concern when Labor were in power, but now that we’ve got the adults back in charge, we’re pretty sure that it’ll all be ok. Moving on, is it reasonable to take a helicopter for a short trip? Tony?
Tony: Ah… well… I think that it’s really disgusting the way Labor spent money when they were in power and you just have to live within your means and we stopped the boats and I’ve learned a lot in my first two years.
Bill: No, it’s outrageous to spend taxpayers’ money like that!
Quizmaster: I think that this would be a good time for a short break. We’ll be back after these ads.
“Coal, Coal, Coal,
It’s good for humanity,
Helps keep your sanity.
It turns into diamonds,
But nothing rhymes with diamonds,
So we’ll just keep singing praises
And meaningless phrases
To tell you that our coal is the cleanest in the world.”
Quizmaster: Thanks, and while you were away, we’ve had a slight change. Malcolm has replaced Tony because… Um would you like to explain why, Malcolm?
Malcolm: Certainly. I feel that Tony was an excellent contestant, but he lost his way in a couple of the questions… Particularly the ones involving numbers, so I’m here because I have a really, really good grasp of numbers and the internet and I take public transport every chance I get.
Quizmaster: Excellent. I’m giving you fifty points for that answer.
Bill: Excuse me, but how is the point system…
Quizmaster: We’re asking the questions. Which we’ll now get back to. Bill, perhaps you’d like to explain why you got rid of two sitting Prime Ministers and how destablising that was for the country.
Bill: Perhaps Malcolm could help with this answer.
Quizmaster: Sorry, that’s a question from last week’s show. I don’t know how it got put into this week’s questions.
Bill: I’d like to answer it all the same.
Quizmaster: No sorry, your next question is how could your party have formed an alliance with The Greens just to allow Julia Gillard to become Prime Minister?
Bill: Well, it was also to stop Tony Abbott becoming Prime Minister and I think we can all agree about what a bad move that was!
Malcolm: If I could just jump in here, I wouldn’t criticise anyone for forming an alliance with The Greens, but most of all I think we need to focus on what’s important here and that’s the fact that I’m much more popular than Bill because I believe in things like the Republic and same sex marriage as well as being spiffingly handsome.
Quizmaster: Excellent, another ten points.
Bill: So any plans to introduce legislation to enable same sex marriage?
Quizmaster: Hey, I’ve warned you once about who asks the questions…
Malcolm: No, I’d like to answer that. It’s simple. We need a vote on same sex marriage because it’s too important a decision to be left to politicians, but we don’t need one on the Republic because I lost that one last time and I don’t like losing.
Quizmaster: Checking the scores, we find that Malcolm is ahead by so far that we probably don’t need to check the actual score because we’ll just be declaring him the winner anyway. So into the final round. Hands on buzzers! What changes need to be made to the taxation system?
Malcolm: We need to look at raising the GST, before rejecting it because Labor will just run a scare campaign. Then we need to look at superannuation before deciding that too many off our friends will be upset if make changes there. Finally we need to talk about negative gearing.
Bill: We plan to limit all future negative gearing to new properties, while maintaining existing arrangements for houses already purchased.
Quizmaster: Malcolm, is that a good idea?
Malcolm: No, because under Labor’s policy, young people will struggle to buy their first investment property and rents will rise and house prices will fall and new house prices will rise and termites will flourish in weatherboard houses, while brick buildings will be subject to a window’s tax and the sunlight will stop, causing an end to our renewable energy program.
Quizmaster: When should we get our new submarines and who should build them? Malcolm?
Malcolm: I can’t comment because it’s a defence matter.
Tony (shouting from offstage): This is an outrage. I’m flabbergasted. We should have them already and my Japanese mate has already been promised the contract!
Quizmaster: And finally, what should happen to our Safe Schools Program?
Malcolm: I really don’t have anything to say on that one. I’d rather leave it to the experts.
Tony (shouting from offstage): I want it shut down.
Quizmaster: Are you going to shut it down?
Malcolm: No we’re just going to make it more difficult to implement and then not fund it beyond 2017 by which time we will have had the election and we won’t have to worry about the electoral backlash.
Quizmaster: Excellent. Well, that’s all for this week, but we’ll be back after the election and depending on the result we may have some new contestants. Or, who knows, we have even have Tony back… Sorry, I’m being told that Tony coming back is a certainty whichever way the election goes.
Thank you, and good night!