For the past week, I’ve been planning to write my predictions for how the PM’s Coalition Curry will become too difficult for anyone to swallow thanks to overdoing the dill.
Unfortunately for me, Peter Dutton set the ball rolling early with his interview earlier this week. However, not to be deterred, I’ve decided to pretend that didn’t happen and to start my predictions with the Dutton interview.
- Dutton will blame Turnbull and others in the party for their poor showing in the polls.
- Various Liberal MPs will say that Dutton’s comments aren’t helpful.
- Dutton will argue that pointing out his comments aren’t helpful isn’t helpful.
- Turnbull will remind everyone that he’s no longer in Parliament and it would be helpful if everyone just ignored him and focussed on the future.
- Tony Abbott will say that Turnbull’s comments aren’t helpful and if he really wanted to be ignored he wouldn’t have done the interview telling the party to focus on the future.
- A Liberal backbencher will suggest that it would be helpful if everyone stopped talking about themselves and concentrated on the government’s achievements like getting the Budget back under control and marriage equality.
- Another backbencher will suggest that it’s been over a year since the equality thing and we still haven’t done enough to protect religious people from being forced to arrange cakes and bake flowers against their will.
- This will prompt Barnaby Joyce to announce that he’s not the father of any children born to any Sky News journalist but he’s prepared to marry them anyway because that’s the sort of man he is, a strong believer in the traditional family.
- Scott Morrison will make a video where he stands behind a barbecue. As he turns over the sausages, he will give us a little homespun wisdom reminding us that he and his colleagues have been busy giving a go to all those who’ve had a go and how we all know who’s having a go because they’re the ones who are in the top tax brackets. He will then cut a sausage in half and tell us that it’s not fair that anyone should only get half a sausage, while the government takes the rest.
- Some ABC commentator will run with the analogy and suggest that the richest are getting more than one sausage so it’s not that they’re getting half a sausage, it’s that the government is taking more sausages from them because they can afford it. This will lead to another ABC commentator suggesting that the richest are very good at playing hide the sausage.
- Matt Canavan will put in a complaint that ABC is destroying family values by talking about hiding sausages when they should be talking about the great opportunity Adani presents for Australia.
- Another Liberal will quit to sit on the crossbench, blaming infighting, bullying and an obsession with sausages from the leadership.
- Said Liberal will be roundly criticised as not being helpful.
- Craig Kelly will suggest that things haven’t been the same since Tony was leader.
- Tony will say that he’s happy to be helpful in any capacity.
- Scott Morrison will announce that Labor have made Parliament unworkable by moving amendments and motions that are liable to succeed. As a result, an election must be called without allowing Bill Shorten to make a mockery of our sacred institution by defeating the government on the floor of the House. He will announce a seventy day campaign period.
- Someone says that it’s nice to see the PM in caretaker mode because he hasn’t seemed to take much care about anything else before.
- Dutton will revoke the citizenship of the person saying it on character grounds. When it’s pointed out that the person was born in Australia to Australian-born parents, he will explain that the Nauruan government has just given them citizenship and they’re being flown out as we speak.
- Bill Shorten will begin his campaign promising a strong, unified government.
- Sky After Dark will start to run stories suggesting that there are leadership tensions in the Labor Party and that this makes them unfit for government.
- Scott Morrison’s concession speech will suggest that it was Malcolm Turnbull’s disloyalty that brought them all undone.
- Christopher Pyne will suggest that Scott’s comments weren’t helpful.
- Immediately after their election loss a number of LNP members will join Cory Bernardi’s Australian Conservative Party, leaving the Liberals with nine MPs in total.
- Alan Jones will suggest that the remaining Liberals are all communists and that the might as well join The Greens. Some of them take him at his word.
Ok, it may not play out exactly like that, but after 2018 who’d be surprised?