What is the problem with men?
As I sat down to write this I flicked on the news, and it seems Bruce Lehrmann wants to appeal the defamation decision in his case against Channel 10. The judge summarised his (Lehrmann’s) position eloquently, something like, ‘having escaped the lion’s den, he went back for his hat.’ What is he hoping to retrieve this time? His handkerchief perhaps, to wipe away his tears should the decision go against him… again?
Lehrmann’s issue seems to be that because he is the man he is, he is absolutely entitled to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. His sense of entitlement does not allow for him to ever be or do wrong. At least that how it looks to me. A bit Trumpian really. The hyper masculine victim. Men such as these never feel ‘not good enough’ and will defend themselves no matter how bad it gets or looks. The victim badge will just get bigger and bigger. The closing line from 1959 pop song, Charlie Brown by The Coasters comes to mind: ‘why is everybody always picking on me?’
I was going to write about the problems many men face, the sense of being not good enough, to face rejection, nagging, bullying, judgement for somehow not living up to expectations or unable to meet the aspirational goals other in the workplace or in their home life, marriages, relationships, parenting. That women are murdered at a rate of one every four days is not just a women’s problem, it is very much a men’s problem, and that desperately needs to be addressed.
In discussing this earlier today with my doctor, I mentioned the ‘shit life syndrome’, where in many postindustrial regions the good jobs have gone, probably to China or some other cheap labour market where new factories with the latest automated production facilities see the latest goods produced with a fraction of the labour input and at reduced wages so we who can still afford to by stuff can get it super cheap. The people left in the postindustrial regions struggle to find the most menial of work and the levels of drug and alcohol abuse, suicide rates and domestic violence incidences are high. Property values have dropped, and any sense of self-worth has left town along with the jobs. Men who used to be able to provide for their families are reduced to emotional shells.
Mentioned also was the difficulty for family life for Fly in-Fly out workers. Two weeks of 12-hour days on a remote mine site and back home for a week of family fun. The need to reconnect with partners and children, and with the sizeable income, a bit of spoiling with great outings, the latest toys and a catch up with mates, often at the local over a meal and a few too many drinks. As one FIFO partner who worked on her own career once put it, ‘home for a night or two of honeymooning, catchup with mates and back to work’ leaving the issues of household management to her, except of course then came the questions on how the money is spent, prioritised. That marriage floundered, he felt he was rejected, somehow not good enough despite bringing home big pay-packets, and could not understand what went wrong.
Coercive control is part of the problem too. Technology allows the very effective tracking of people through mobile phone apps, and while there may be very good reason to have a tracking device linking partners’ phones, there are time when it is not a good idea. A better idea may be to call if the partner is not where you thought they may be, ‘Hey, where are you? All good?’ is a non-threatening way of checking in.
As well the installation of security cameras, while a good idea for gathering evidence should the home be broken into, burgled, it can also be a means of checking out who’s visiting a partner while the other is away, possibly working. Even the front doorbell can be monitored remotely. As well checking bank and credit card expenditure remotely, is just watching money without any context of why is being spent. Coercive control is insidious, it’s like there is constant surveillance and smacks of a lack of trust and is based on a sense of insecurity, that desire to be in absolute control no matter where we may be, on a remote mine site, travelling or even sitting side by side on a sofa.
And then there are the expectations that a partner will always be there for the head of the household; subservient, cooking meals, looking after the kids and contributing to the family budget through paid employment and despite the best efforts, complains that the poor harried man is not pulling his weight, so off to the pub or some other boys club meeting place to whinge with his mates of how shit his life is, how long since he’s had sex, how unreasonable the demands of his partner, so let’s do another line, inhale another load of that shit, have another beer, and crash home to a mouthful of complaints. ‘How much can a man take for goodness sakes, and now she wants to leave me after all I have done for her? I’ll show her...’
Financial pressures lead to the frustration of seemingly never having enough, never being ‘good enough’ is depressing and the tendency to seek solace in drugs and alcohol is often an easy escape route. In saying that, it is not only men who seek solace there, women too look for comfort through chemical solutions. Unfortunately, such solutions are short-lived, tempers are more easily frayed, voices rise to a crescendo and the pile on of frustration too often leads to physical responses.
Headlines telling us that a woman is killed every four days through domestic violence is shocking, but there is no easy fix. Just throwing money at it will not solve the issues. Having refuge centres is good, but always a short-term fix. It is important that a safe refuge is available at times of crisis, and that money is accessible to ensure needs can be met. But to address the fears women have, and those fears are real, we need to also address the ‘not good enough-ness’ that many men face. The frustrations of ‘being a man’ in the traditional sense, that of being the chief breadwinner, the provider, seems to be an unattainable goal in Australia today, and the team work required to make relationships work, where there is no dominant voice but an agreed voice, an agreed means of negotiating through the issues, the shared role of home making, financial commitments and intimacy, and a walk away from seeking solace through drugs and alcohol so that negotiation is a two way street, where there is active listening and a commitment to conflict resolution.
Cultural diversity sees different rules governing the relationship between men and women, but essentially, men need to understand that women are not chattels, are not a man’s property. In many religious circles the headship, leadership, authority of the man in a relationship is preached, but that places the woman in a weaker position, in that position of subservience. Again, we have an orthodoxy where there is discrimination, again we see the religious leaders seek to have the right to discriminate in law through the religious discrimination act. While that orthodoxy is promoted, whether it is through the wearing of certain clothes or the acceptance of leadership, authority, men will have a sense of power over women, and when that power is exercised in anger, many women face injury, even death.
It is not just in religious circles where male superiority is condoned, the internet is full of misogyny through pornography and influencers such as Andrew Tate, the bullying in schools, and as reported recently where boy students insult female teacher with misogynistic call outs like ‘make me a sandwich’. Freedom of speech is bullshit when it is used to denigrate or bully and normalise misogyny and denigration, to dehumanise through name calling and one-line putdowns.
So what are the answers… I wish I knew, but it has to be more than promising a squillion dollars to throw at it. We need to establish a means where men are not embarrassed to face counselling, to face their vulnerabilities, to have access to men’s groups which will guide thinking away from the sense of entitlement, the sense of ownership over women, particularly in male dominated workplaces such as FIFO sites where men are encouraged to talk through their relationship issues with trained counselors such as chaplains (and there are chaplains who are not affiliated with churches, so there will not be the fear of having some dogma or other reinforced) who will encourage the development of listening skills and empathy in negotiating domestic life.
I don’t know the answers, I really don’t think anyone has all the answers, and possibly, probably, the answer is different in each situation, for each person, but somehow, we need to work with men to make us understand that women should not need to fear us, that we will do everything we can to be good enough.
[textblock style=”7″]
Like what we do at The AIMN?
You’ll like it even more knowing that your donation will help us to keep up the good fight.
Chuck in a few bucks and see just how far it goes!
Your contribution to help with the running costs of this site will be greatly appreciated.
You can donate through PayPal or credit card via the button below, or donate via bank transfer: BSB: 062500; A/c no: 10495969
[/textblock]
