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The New SRC with the Groan-ups in Charge!

Ha, ha, We won and now we’re the new Student Representative Council.

Yes, congratulations.

You know why we won? Because we’re awesome and we’re more mature than you. You’re just babies and you were taking orders from a girl.

Yes, well, it’d be more convincing if Christopher wasn’t sticking out his tongue then hiding behind your back. Besides there’s nothing wrong with taking orders from a girl.

We won because we had someone stronger to be captain and because we’re awesome and you shouldn’t even be allowed to be in the school because you don’t know as much we do.

Shouldn’t we get on with the meeting? What’s the first item of business?

The first item is telling everyone that you lost because you’re not as awesome as we are. And then we’re going to ask our friends to go round the school and tell everyone what a shit job did.

Ok, but you know the things you promised – you know, the free lollies from the canteen, getting rid of the rules about calling people names, and not interfering with the school radio.

The school radio sucks because they said nasty things about us.

Yes, they said nasty things about us too. 

Our friend, Rupert, wants everyone to listen to him at lunchtime because he’s got a real radio show.

But Rupert isn’t even a student here anymore. And there’s nothing to stop people listening to him if they want to. 

Yeah, but some people listen to the school radio and the nasty things they said like when they said that we were lying.

But you were lying.

We never lie. We’re just awesome. You’re the liars.

All right, let’s just get on with the meeting… 

We’re going to tell everyone that we can’t give free lollies because you gave away too many when you were in charge.

So you’re going back on your promise to give extra lollies to girls who bring in a younger sibling?

No, that was an important promise. Not like the free lollies one or the not getting rid of the school radio.

I see. 

No you’d don’t. You don’t see anything. You’re just stupid. And I can call you that because we’re going to get rid of the ridiculous rules against name-calling so our friend Andrew doesn’t get into trouble for lying about the aboriginal children.

Yeah, but you haven’t got rid of them yet, so I don’t think Christopher can say what he just said.

He said “grub” and you can’t prove he didn’t.

What are you going to do first?

We’re gong to do everything first! We’re going to charge students $7 every time they go to class, and we’re going to take that money and build something really good with it.

What?

Don’t you worry about that. And we’re going to stop new students if they come by bicycle. And we’re stop the system where we recycle the paper and cans so everything can go in the one bin. And we’re going to introduce a better system than putting people on yard duty if they drop rubbish…. We’re going to give the kids who used to drop rubbish lots of lollies not to do it anymore…And we’re going to tell our friends, Gina and Andrew that they don’t even have use the bins – they can just drop their rubbish anywhere. Coz’ we won and you lost and we’re in charge.

Yes, but we have to have a meeting and vote on all these things.

No, we can just do them. Joe said. He’ll find a way of just doing them, because some of you think that you can vote against them. Well, you can’t because we’re the adults and we get to make ALL the rules now.

No, you don’t. The teachers still have the right of veto.

The teachers? They should respect our authority and just let us do what we want.

But didn’t you keep running to the teachers every time you didn’t like a decision?

Shut up! Shut up, or I’ll get Bronwyn to give you a detention.

I don’t care. Anything would be better than being here.

Have you ever had a Chinese burn? They hurt. And Tony gives really good ones, because he’s a grown-up.

11 comments

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  1. stephentardrew

    When satire meets reality.
    I think I just had a brain fart and went into self-imposed comatose stupefied vacuous dark side emptiness.
    Leave me alone Rossliegh enough is enough.
    Damn the truth hurts.
    Wake me up wen its all over will ya.

  2. Rafe Falkiner

    Just Beautiful. It took me way back through the years to boarding school & the school bully. It was his voice in my head as I read it.
    God help us all.

  3. Nick

    Yep, that just about sums the government up nicely!

  4. lawrencewinder

    ….and all said with pursed lips, palms on hips (fingers pointed down)and head thrown back.

  5. Kaye Lee

    Sir, Tony bent the school sign and then kicked in the glass door in the admin building and he didn’t even get detention. And another thing…is Tony allowed to be president of the SRC when he is still enrolled at his old school?

  6. corvus boreus

    Sir, Tony cheats at rugger!

  7. silkworm

    The best description of this government yet! The satire writes itself.

  8. Terry2

    Christopher : So, let’s deregulate universities

    Peta : Why ?

    Christopher: well, because I’m Education Minister – guffaws from the back of the room – and because I can.

    Peta: But when we last deregulated a industry – the dairy industry – it played into the hands of the big overseas processors who now control the industry and it sent thousands of small family dairies broke .

    Christopher: But, don’t you remember, we imposed a temporary levy – groan from the assembled Cabinet – of eleven cents a litre on the price of milk and we gave that to dairy farmers to get out of the industry – that’s macro economics at work.

    Malcolm : No it isn’t, that’s cretinous market manipulation and domination at work : what are you going to do to help the regional universities to compete and survive.

    Christopher: I’m glad you asked that, we increase the cost of degrees and increase the interest on HECS …..It’s a win win !

    Malcolm: But that just means that thousands of young people won’t be able to afford to go to university and those that do will be paying off HECS debts for the rest of their working lives

    Christopher : Like I say, a win win !

    Tony : Anyway, I’m gunna stick it up Putin and Irania

    Peta :I told you not to come in here in Lycra it’s off putting and anyhow, it’s Iraq ?

    Tony: whatever !

  9. vivienne29

    Brilliant. So bloody spot on.

  10. Anne Byam

    Classic Rossleigh …. absolute classic. Thanks again, for laughs ….. and more worry lines. It’s so spot on the truth.

  11. Keitha Granville

    please stop, I’m hurting with laughter. I can just HEAR C Pyne saying all this, it’s so awful. Can you write a whole sitcom please Rossleigh ? It will be a winner for sure. It would even work in a kindergarten class.

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