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Net Zero Contribution From The Usual Gross Quarters!

“Great news… The Coalition are about to announce a commitment to net zero.”

“Really? How did that happen?”

“Well, ScoMo has been pushing for net zero for years…”

“Morrison? Didn’t he take a lump of coal into parliament?”

“Yeah, he told people not to be afraid about getting rid of coal.”

“I don’t think it’s what he said.”

“I’m pretty sure it was. Don’t be afraid, he said!”

“Anyway, what’s the news?”

“After the Liberals have been telling us that they’re committed to net zero as soon as possible, and let’s be real here, you can’t do it any sooner than that because if you did, you would have done it before it was possible, which would mean that you haven’t done it at all because you can’t do what’s not possible. They just couldn’t commit to net zero by 2050 because of the Nationals.”

“You think that they’ll be able to get the Nationals to commit to net zero?”

“Yep, the National Party room is meeting on Sunday to discuss what’s on the table.”

“Probably a lot of papers.”

“What?”

“There’ll probably be a lot of papers on the table and the odd cup of coffee.”

“No, no, they’ll be discussing what Scotty is offering them in order to get them to agree to the target.”

“Oh, so what is Scotty offering?”

“Well, it’s confidential but I happen to have a source who tells me that he’s offering them… and I haven’t confirmed this, but he’s offering them incentives.”

“Yeah, what incentives?” 

“I’m not at liberty to say. And neither are they, so it’s all pretty hush, hush.”

“So the voters won’t find out what these incentives are until after the Nationals have agreed to net zero.” 

“Probably not even then. It’ll probably just become part of the Coalition agreement and will therefore be more confidential than classified documents like the ones that someone let Andrew Bolt read a few years ago.”

“Right, so we won’t know if they’re underwriting fossil fuels to the tune of $250 billion like Keith Pitt wanted.”

“I don’t see why we’d need to know when they’re just underwriting loans and not actually giving them money until they go broke.”

“And they won’t be building that railway to help get coal to the ships?”

“They might, but railways are good things aren’t they? Look, don’t tell anyone but apparently the Nats will agree to net zero providing that mining companies and farmers are excluded from changing their behaviour.”

“You mean they can continue to go on emitting greenhouse gases? So the Nationals will only agree if their constituents don’t have to make any changes.”

“Well, they’ll also want compensation.”

“Compensation for what?”

“For the fact that they had to worry about all these possible changes.”

“Ok, so with the right compensation and a promise that miners and farmers don’t have to change their practices the Nationals will agree to net zero by 2050?”

“Oh, sooner than that. They won’t wait till 2050 to commit, they might even do it on Sunday.”

“No, I mean they’ll commit to net zero by 2050, not take until 2050 to commit to it.”

“Oh, yes. Certainly they’ll do it before the election and with any luck, Scotty will be able to announce that this election is about a commitment to net zero and if you want that then you need to vote for the Coalition.”

“Aren’t Labor committed to it too?”

“Yeah, what’s your point?”

“Well, if both parties are committed, doesn’t that make it a non-issue?”

“I don’t see why. Once the PM says that the election is about committing to net zero then he’ll be the one showing leadership.”

“Won’t it then go to who has the best policies on achieving it? Like what will the government be announcing in terms of the pathway forward?”

“Why would there be any need to announce policies? Surely the commitment’s enough. I mean, we don’t want to get bogged down in details when this will be one of the best announcements the Prime Minister has ever made. It’ll be right up there with We’re front of the queue and his commitment to bushfire victims. People’ll love it.”

“But what about the follow up? Won’t he actually need some plan for achieving the goal?”

“I don’t see why, it’s never mattered in the past. Still, I suppose there’s a first time for everything!”

 

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10 comments

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  1. Jack Cade

    Essential polls say that 54% of Australians are happy with Scummo, 60% of Qld.

  2. BB

    “Yep, the National Party room is meeting on Sunday to discuss what’s on the table.”
    “Probably a lot of dead cats.”
    “What?”
    “There’ll probably be a lot of dead cats on the table and the odd cup of coffee.”
    “No, no, they’ll be discussing what Scotty is offering them in order to get them to agree to the target.”
    “Oh, so what is Scotty offering?”
    “Well, it’s confidential but I happen to have a source who tells me that he’s offering them… and I haven’t confirmed this, but he’s offering them his arse.”

  3. HENRY RODRIGUES

    Scummo is at 54% approvals: so softening up the pensioners and the welfare recipients with small crumbs and playing loose and fast with the truth, sweeping all the f*ckups under the carpet seems to work with the braindead voters. Playing on the insecurities and unwarranted fears of the coal workers and the bible thumpers, seems to work too.

    If all that’s true, then the braindead voters deserve a piece of shit like Scummo.

  4. Phil Pryor

    That larcenous, lying, loudmouthed, lazy, lugubrious lizard of a P M, a Promiscuous Misfit, is such a disgrace to civilised behaviour and decency, that we are shamed, embarrassed and ridiculed worldwide. Australia has a crippling burden of non leadership in a dud and his team who have never worked beyond backstabbing, pocketing, obeying and other fellatio friendly fit ups for donors and patrons. Crooks…

  5. pierre wilkinson

    It is all in the announcement, never the delivery, then net zero becomes a non issue and he can move on to explaining how Labor want to kill your babies and make you eat them, call an early election to prevent the communists from overtaking us and then present himself as the saviour of true aussie values, the economy and the freedoms that the double vaxxed can now enjoy in all but the devil worshiping states
    and murdoch will endorse the lies and the gullible will line up to vote for him

  6. Kate Ahearne

    Thanks, Rossleigh. I hope there’ll be room on the table for a nice big clean lump of coal and a barrel full of pork.

  7. Bronte ALLAN

    Great article, as usual, Rossleigh! Sadly ALL of this lying, useless, flat earth, happy clapping, sports rorts, car park fiascos, COALition mob would not know what to with Climate Change if it bit them on the bum! As for the Barnacle & his merry mob of idiots, NONE of them have even heard of Climate Change, nor would they know what to do about it if they did understand it! The useless bloody Slo Mo & his mob of liars would also not know what to do about Climate Change as it is not in their “best Interests” to do so.

  8. Florence Howarth

    Look at the two PP votes. Keep an eye on Labor/s don’t know. Favourite PM means little, especially at this time.

  9. Terence Mills

    We should send Barnaby and Canavan along to COP26 in Glasgow – seriously – if we continue to isolate their views on climate change we cannot move ahead.

    Canavan in particular calls himself an economist but at the moment he is the biggest single voice opposing climate action in Australia : he needs to go to Glasgow – he needs to broaden his outlook in a global sense.

    We should also be sending Albanese, Bowen and Wong, in my view – there should be room on Morrison’s jet !

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