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Morrison Tells Us It’s Not The Time For Politics

Interviewer: Good morning, First up we have an interview with Smirko the Jerko. Now just to make it clear that you are not Scomo.

Smirko: That s right. There’s a clear difference.

Interviewer: Yes, while one is an artificial creation and only good for the purpose of satire, the other is doing this interview with me. First up, let me ask you about the weather…

Smirko: Yes, isn’t that rain good? You’re welcome, by the way.

Interviewer: You’re welcome?

Smirko: Yes, a direct result of my prompt thoughts and prayers. But about the weather, I think it’d be hasty to try and link this current crisis to the weather. As I’ve gone around offering comfort to my backbench, one of the things that they’ve been most concerned about is the lack of hazard reduction burning…

Interviewer: Which is a result of cuts to budgets and a smaller window of opportunity for burns because of climate change.

Smirko: Look, it’s not the time to get political. Australia is burning and people are losing their homes.

Interviewer: Then why aren’t you accepting much of the help offered by overseas nations?

Smirko: Because we’ve got everything under control here and we need to keep our borders safe.

Interviewer: How can you say that everything’s under control when half of Australia is burning?

Smirko: I think you’ll find that Australia has always had fires and that we’re a resilient lot and we’ll manage to get through this with the true ANZAC spirit.

Interviewer: You mean that battle where Australian soldiers died needlessly trying to attack at a totally inaccessible part of Turkey?

Smirko: Now, I won’t have you attacking the ANZACs.

Interviewer: I wasn’t. I was more referring to their leadership. Which brings me to your holiday…

Smirko: You know the funny thing about that. I actually planned to holiday in Australia, but then at the last minute, back in March, I thought why not give my family a surprise and take them to Hawaii, because I had to go to India and once you’re in the air one country is much the same as another. If it hadn’t been for my trip to India I’d have been in Australia like I always am.

Interviewer: But you went to Fiji with them after the election.

Smirko: And you’re point is?

Interviewer: Well, Fiji isn’t part of Australia.

Smirko: Nobody would argue that it is.

Interviewer: But you just said that you always holiday in Australia.

Smirko: I think we’ve well and truly covered my holiday, and frankly it’s a bit of a non-issue so I don’t think that we should ever speak of it again.

Interviewer: Ok, then let’s move on to the link between climate change and the fires.

Smirko: There is NO link between climate change and the fires.

Interviewer: Surely, the drought has made the country tinder dry and this increased the likelihood of extreme fires.

Smirko: Yes, but I object to you trying to suggest that there’s a direct link.

Interviewer: So you concede that there’s an indirect link?

Smirko: Let’s be quite clear here. For a fire to start you need three things: Fuel, oxygen and something, or someone, to start it.

Interviewer: Are you trying to dog-whistle all those trying to suggest that the fires were started by arsonists?

Smirko: Not at all. I’m trying to suggest that more CO2 in the air would deprive the fires of vital oxygen.

Interviewer: So you have no plans to increase government action on climate change.

Smirko: I’ll repeat what I’ve always said my government will meet its emissions targets and we may even exceed them.

Interviewer: But any more radical action would be blocked by the climate change deniers in your party?

Smirko: I reject that entirely. We have no climate change deniers in our party.

Interviewer: Just recently Craig Kelly did that terrible interview with the British press where he was actually challenged and looked completely silly, and George Christensen was asserting that the fires were nothing to with climate change.

Smirko: Yes, well we are a broad church and unlike some parties, we value everyone’s opinion.

Interviewer: But you just said that there are no climate change deniers in your party.

Smirko: I think we’ve covered this, so we should move on.

Interviewer: Ok, sir, I’m sorry that I attempted to clarify your answer.

Smirko: Yes, you’re behaving as badly as those British journalists who kept interrupting Craig Kelly and ambushing him with a lot of things that contradicted his views.

Interviewer: So, finally, do you have any regrets about your handling of the fire situation?

Smirko: Let me say that obviously, in hindsight, there are things I would have done differently, but nothing that I’m going to specifically admit. Mostly I’d like to blame the states because they were slow to ask for help and the Federal government is prevented from doing things in the states by the constitution unless there’s a national emergency and we didn’t declare this a national emergency so I had to wait for them to ask. Certainly, nobody could have predicted the scale of the fires, unless they were alarmist lefties and we never listen to them. And, of course, I’d have ensured that I had a stunt double while I was in Hawaii so nobody noticed me gone.

Interviewer: What about further action in the future?

Smirko: Well, I certainly intend to consider the possibility of having an inquiry or possibly a Royal Commission to look at what we should do. In fact, I’ll probably consult the Cabinet and we’ll ask ourselves whether a Royal Commission is the way to go or whether we should simply appoint Maurice Newman or Justice Dysen to go away and come up with a report in a few months time that we can put with the report we didn’t look at because it was commissioned under the previous government.

Interviewer; Rudd or Gillard?

Smirko: No., Turnbull.

Interviewer: Thanks, but your time is up.

Smirko: Did Rupert Tell you that?

Interviewer: This has been another interview that didn’t actually happen but is still less absurd than the ones that do. Back to real life.

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  1. Peter F

    Altogether too sad, but thanks all the same.

  2. New England Cocky

    Genius as usual Rossleigh!!

    May I substitute the “Smirko” label for my present “Scat” (animal droppings) label when describing Morriscum? “Smirko” or “Smirkie” has a more descriptive ring about it, even though real animal droppings are useful.

    I would suggest a common label however that would be too limiting on the creative readers of this website.

  3. Josephus

    Savage and the best satire, Voltaire could not have done better
    Now get rid of that lot, though Labor loves Adani and hundreds of fracking and shale gas projects
    They must stop or greatly reduce these plans. Too late to rescind the many approvals no doubt
    What fools we have in charge just because stupid people don’t want leaders who are unlike them as it disturbs their complacency.

  4. Phil Pryor

    We are all getting overtired of the Head Moron, despairing, like looking at an incurable ulcer on your body and wondering “what”…) We can only tolerate a small amount of extreme shit interfering in progress. The Head Moron is a huge pile of excremental ooze, and after we step over and away, it doesn’t bear thinking about it over and over. Yet we must, until the filth is removed. The great pot of turds in this government, fed by the huge yankee media turd whose imperious ignorance controls too much, need flushing, thoroughly.

  5. wam

    what a beaut read rossleigh absolutely great on ANZAC and ‘did rupert…’
    I shall hit the pool with an even lighter heart than saturdays laughing with instead of at.

    ps I am with nec and will substitute your more descriptive smirko for scummo

    the ABC pointed out the poll that has albo ahead of smirko as preferred PM, was the one that predicted labor’s victory .

  6. Peter F

    the ABC pointed out the poll that has albo ahead of smirko as preferred PM, was the one that predicted labor’s victory .’

    Obviously no-one crossed Palmer’s hand. Palmer

  7. Rossleigh

    Yes, strange that they haven’t been mentioning Newspoll’s inaccurate forecast with any of the polls that put the Coalition in front. Not that the poll was inaccurate because it says to allow for a margin error of about three percent, so all the polls were within the error margi.

  8. Harry Lime

    Smirko’s self administered gloss is looking decidedly tarnished at the moment,and there is an ever so slight shift in sentiment over at propaganda headquarters.Could the worm be executing a very slow turn?Is there anyone in the Liberal pile of excrement hatching a plot?Obviously, Smoko’s going to need the bum’s rush,as his swollen self regard would forbid him from throwing in the towel.Whatever the method, let it be sooner rather than later.Observing his extreme discomfort is hugely pleasing.

  9. Supa51

    If he calls a RC he will not have to answer any questions because it will be sub judicial

  10. DrakeN

    N E C I prefer the epithet “Sooty”

    It refences the consequences of his behaviours and the act that he is a glove puppet for his financially invested manipulators.

  11. Matters Not

    Supa51@ 1:27 pm re:

    calls a RC he will not have to answer any questions because it will be sub judicial

    Given that Royal Commissions are not courts and do not exercise judicial power then how would any questions be sub judicial? Note that there is a Royal Commission into Aged care underway that began mid-January 2019, with the final report not due until 12 November 2020 and that has not (legally) stopped questions, criticisms etc of a political nature. While RCs provide a political ‘cover’ of sorts (eg wait to see what the RC recommends etc) the political questions are not sub judicial. (RCs have different powers to courts. Some much greater – and perhaps unfair.)

    But perhaps you have a link to the contrary? if so, then I would be pleased to read same.

  12. Ill fares the land

    The thing that both irritates the hell out of me and amazes me is that whenever Mr Smuggo McSmirkeyface insists that “this is not the time for politics”, IT IS HIM PLAYING POLITICS!!

    It will be interesting to see how he responds to the Australian’s poll this morning. Whilst I am staggered that 39% of the people polled still think he is an effective PM, I am relieved that the polling at least reflects to some degree how absurd and appalling his performance has been. It wasn’t the holiday, although that was a major catalyst. It was the aggregation of his actions and responses that showed categorically he is unfit for the role of PM. Perhaps there are those who think that, well, Smuggo isn’t perfect, so we have to overlook a mistake and one person actually made that remark in a tweet to the ABC breakfast show this morning. George Megalogenis wrote a very kind article this morning suggesting that Morrison missed an opportunity to show leadership.

    The points I am making are that yes, Morrison is not perfect. He isn’t to “blame” in the micro sense – he couldn’t hold a hose and he didn’t start the fires (an unbelievable non sequitur). But what he did do was to consistently and repeatedly fail to show leadership. And he failed to show leadership because he isn’t a leader. He doesn’t even come close.

    Look at his history both inside and outside of politics. He is a charlatan; a devious and duplicitous backstabber (Michael Towke and Turnbull are two that we know about, but there will likely be others – it is his nature). He is a failed marketing hack who remains utterly deluded about his ability (much like most incompetents who rise beyond their ability – they rarely think that they don’t deserve their status, but instead deceive themselves into believing they have finally received the accolades and status their genius warrants). Morrison is trapped by his self-delusion, including that Australia loves him as though he is more than the PM – he is the King. If he was a leader, he would have been able to step back and retrieve what became a PR debacle, but he isn’t a leader and lacks an adult emotional intelligence, so he just kept blundering on in the only way he knows. That he sees everything through a distorted personal prism is not, of itself unique – we all do and I guess I am doing it right now, but if we watch his words and his phony actions and desperate policy-on-the run decisions to assuage his hurt feelings when he was spurned, you see indicators of a person utterly in the grip of some monumental failings – including his refusal to take counsel or worse, being told what to do and how desperately and even aggressively he responds when he is criticised. He is no more than a phony personal brand and when that brand was damaged, his responses were those of a person desperately trying to restore his brand using marketing strategies – and failing.

    With Hawke, Howard and others, most PMs in fact, their failings led them to covet the PM role, but in the end, the accumulated anger at their failings brought them undone and they left politics flailing madly but pointlessly against the forces that had shattered their charisma. Perhaps it was no more that their supporters knew of their failings all along, but put that aside while their “hero’s” star shone brightly, but eventually, the failing came to dominate public perceptions, but like Icarus, they flew too close to the Sun and crashed. Well, we have seen Morrison’s failings and they point to a very, very flawed character who can only pretend to be a leader. He will no doubt spin his climate change rejection into something that is more electorally palatable and I suspect the urgency of that will accelerate as he gets closer to the next election, but however much he claims credit for whatever he says and does, he will only ever be pretending.

  13. New England Cocky

    @Ill fares the land: When you have a Prim Monster Propaganda Department of about 30 imaginative journalists then it is most likely that a suitable spin strategy will be formulated for Smirko Morriscum. It may not be in the best interests of Australian voters or even the world environment, but it will be presented as “The Messiah’s Solution to the Problem” (that he helped create by prior inaction).

  14. George

    Thank you, Rossleigh. It’s a wonderful replacement for the sad loss of our Clarke and Dawe fix….

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