Saturday, December 10 2022

A letter to the editor. “Upon my death.”

By way of introduction, my name is Morrie Moneyweather Jnr.

Some years ago, my father used to write to this publication with extraordinary wisdom and a calm mind in the face of inexplicable anger shown toward him.

My Dad was blessed with an intoxicating education, but he could make a joint when it needed sharing, and he did like a drink when others shouted. Some say that I am a chip off the old block.

He used to share his letters to The AIM Network with me and now and then our English teacher at Melbourne Grammar would share his letters with my fellow students as examplars of well-written English.

Anyways I was writing to tell you that Dad passed away on May 21 this year but I have been waiting for the right moment. Anyways it looks as though the moment has passed so the shock won’t be as much of a jaw-dropping moment to you as it might have been. You know what he was like about getting it “alright.”

Just what he wanted me to tell all you left-wing latte-sipping loonies of the proletariat. You vodka-drinking Bolsheviks who can’t afford a decent bottle of Merlot without any intelligence, like a lot of things, is, beyond me.

You know Barnaby was right about you lot, just a lot of commies. The thing is, you commies don’t understand the fundamentals of conversation. The free market and capitalism. Conservatives (LNP) believe in personal responsibility, limited government, free markets, individual liberty, and traditional values.

Sorry I got carried away in the moment. I’d ask for forgiveness if I knew how to spell it.

Me dad was heartbroken when he died. He put so much into doin the right thing by the party. In his will, he asked me to keep up the good fight against Albaneasy.

Just before I go on. I read that piece by John Lord where he attacked our response to our defeat. He needs to take his hand off it. I thought we were modest with our words at the time

Fair dinkum. He wouldn’t know shit from clay. I’d suggest he takes a hold of himself. Surely it’s clear to everyone that we need to tough. Personally, I don’t think Scotty went far enough. He should have banned you commies as well.

And all his bullshit about work. I mean everyone knows that theirs plenty of work. All the sons at Melbourne Gramma will get jobs this year. My son Nigel is doing year 12 again but that’s another story. He spent too much time in the closet with his friend Erwin. Sorry, I lost track of where I was. Now, where was I?

Like Trump, Scotty was a genius in his own mind and might have one had he used it. I mean everyone need to be free to pursue wealth.

I mean I needed the freedom to accept my inheritance. The same with Gina. There will always be haves and have-nots. Even Jesus said that.

And Ronald Regan said. If we keep giving more money to the rich, everyone will have more money. It’s called trickle-down economics.

It’s always worked and always will. The poor will just have to be more patient for a pay rise. Conservatives were born to control capital. Labour comes after capital. Not everyone can be affluent.

And Albaneasy is still going on about consulting people that know what they are talking about. Fairdinkum you wouldn’t talk to those bastards with the red hankies. I can only say that good manners is a basic tenant of conservation.

And women should be obscene and not heard. Some should those left that.

Where was I? Yes? There is no inequity in society. It’s just that some deserve more than others. We were born to rule so we will come back.

That’s why I admire SCOTTY SO MUCH. It talks a lot of courage to fix things for the country. The audacity to suggest that he was a bit over the top is ludicrous. He was the best PRIME minister this country ever had. Sorry, I left the caps lock on but it’s right NOW. Fuck it why is it doing that.

I mean too many educated people can be dangerous for society. They might all want to be wealthy.

And no Scotty didn’t tell lies.

And talking about lies. How stupid people can be. Scotty was one of the finest examples of honesty one could ever meet.

All Albo will do is undo Scott’s work. And he will spend so much time undoing that he won’t do anything. That’s how Scott planned it. Much to do about nothing if you ask me.

That’s what conservatives value most. At this point in time, we need an undoer, not a doer. That’s what Albo is. An undoer and a fixer. What a combo.

In delusion, I finish with a few words about me dad. He was a fine example of conservative values. He gave everything except money to the party. He cried tears of joy on his deathbed because he knew Scotty always had a plan.

Anyway, I have to go. We are having a delayed wake for dad and I need to pick up a dozen bottles of 62 Grange from DamMurphys bloody decent drop that one.

Before I wish you a merry christmas let me tell you that

I think you’re that dumb that you must be three bricks short of a load or not the full two bobs worth. Either that or your three sandwiches short of a picnic.

See I can throw shit too. Your comment about me being transgender was despicable. It confused my boyfriend to no end. I could describe you as a pain in the neck but I have a much lower opinion of you. And most of the comments had to be a joke – no-one can be that stupid and arrogant unless they are members of the Greens.

I can only hope and pray that someday the working classes will come to their senses and show their appreciation for the effluence we share.

Morrie Moneyworthy Jnr, Malvern.

PS: I will be writing more often in 22. And a merry Christmas to you too.