By Robert Stygall
ScoMo and Peter were tragically killed in a helicopter crash, on their way to a party fund raiser – ironically hosted by Bronwyn.
They arrive at the Pearly Gates to be met by Saint Peter. He opens up the big black book at the appropriate page and reviews the entries. He tut tuts as he reads down the list, muttering aloud to himself as he scans the text, ‘ruthless leadership coup – oh dear’, ‘intimidation – oh my’, ‘Manus and Nauru – oh my goodness.’
ScoMo and Peter look sheepishly up at Saint Peter, nervously awaiting his decision. ‘It’s not good for either of you,’ he says finally.
ScoMo gasps; ‘you don’t mean Hell?’
‘It was close, but no’ says Saint Peter.
‘So it’s Heaven’ beams the less saintly Peter.
‘I’m afraid not,’ is the reply.
‘So what exactly do we get?
‘Purgatory,’ replies Saint Peter.
‘How does that work?’ Peter grunts.
‘Well it should be quite familiar to you, Peter. Think of it as indefinite detention.’
‘So how long will it last?’
‘Until Judgement Day.’
‘How long could that be?’
‘Could be many many years, who knows.’
So, with much wailing and crying ScoMo and Peter were transferred to Purgatory. The years passed and along the way they were joined by others they had worked with previously. Tony in particular was really annoying since he had arrived. He had never forgiven ScoMo for taking the job he felt was rightfully his. He almost died from shock when he was told he was not going to Heaven.
‘Speak to the Arch-Bishop, he’ll vouch for me,’ he had told Saint Peter with confidence.
‘Unfortunately he is incommunicado,’ replied Saint Peter.
Tony looked confused.
‘Subsequent to the findings of the Royal Commission, he’s in Hell’ said Saint Peter.
As time went by ScoMo was becoming increasingly worried about the mental state of Peter (the less saintly). The not knowing when the time in Purgatory would end was taking its toll. After almost a year of refused requests, ScoMo was eventually allowed to speak to Saint Peter.
‘I’m seriously worried about the health of Peter, he really needs to see a specialist.’
‘But there are plenty of medical staff in Purgatory’ said Saint Peter.
‘But you know how it is, Saint P, if they are there, they aren’t much good, many faked their medical qualifications, that’s why they are there.’
‘Well, ScoMo there may be a chance for Peter, despite the wishes of many in Heaven. Saint Kerryn of Phelps is proposing that those in Purgatory requiring medical attention can be transferred temporarily to Heaven for treatment.’
‘Hallelujah,’ cries ScoMo.
‘Not so fast ScoMo’ says Saint P, ‘there are those still trying to block that proposal on the grounds of security. Come back in a week and I’ll let you know the outcome.’
ScoMo returned the following week. ‘Bad news ScoMo’ says Saint P. ‘There are grave concerns that anyone who enters from Purgatory could find some lawyer in Heaven – yes remarkably there are a few here – who will prevent their return to Purgatory, and we would then open up Heaven to who knows what type of sinner.’
‘But all the rapists and murderers have gone straight to Hell’ says ScoMo.
‘Yes I know’ says Saint P ‘but you of all people know how it is, even the saintly are susceptible to fake news.’
‘So that’s it – no hope for Peter and the others’ sighs ScoMo.
‘Afraid not’ says Saint P.
‘So we just continue to wait, for who knows how long and hope for Judgement Day.’
‘Sorry – that’s how it is.’
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