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I did not have sex with that pig

British Prime Minister David Cameron was overnight accused of having indulged in a tastelessly demeaning act of necro-bestiality in Delingpole’s rooms at the Pickwater Quad, Oxford, when he was an undergraduate.

Cameron, it is alleged, placed his penis (erect or flaccid?) in the mouth of a dead pig. After merciless media attention, Cameron has admitted that he did indeed pop his willy doodle in the deceased pig’s mouth but, he claims: “I did not come.”

Parallels have been drawn between former US President Bill Clinton’s denial of a) drug abuse (I didn’t inhale), and b) infidelity (I did not have sex with that woman). Nevertheless, the British Prime Minister has unforgivably besmirched the brand of British Pork, and many of us will never again feel easy ordering a pulled pork sandwich.

It’s unclear whether or not the deceased pig wore lipstick.

Photo Credit: Photo David Hartley/REX Shutterstock (3666206e)

Photo Credit: Photo David Hartley/REX Shutterstock (3666206e)

The revelation that the staunchly heterosexual Cameron performed a sexual act upon a dead animal has thrown up an unexpected challenge to Australian Liberal politician and right-wing nut job, Cory Bernardi. Bernardi has long-held that same-sex marriage will lead to bestiality. Yet here, on his own side of politics no less, is stark evidence that such questionable practices are already in the conservative heterosexual DNA.

My first reaction to this scandal was to pity David Cameron. Perhaps nothing with a pulse was willing to accept his penis?

However, descriptions of the navy tailcoat, mustard waistcoat, and sky-blue bow tie he allegedly wore when he performed this act of gross indecency in Delingpole’s rooms brought me to my senses.

The wealthy inhabit another country, and besides, the pig is dead.

This article was originally published on No Place For Sheep.

 

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25 comments

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  1. keerti

    Puts your average dick ‘tater to shame!

  2. Michael Taylor

    What’s hilarious are the related posts (chosen by WordPress). We have a story about sex with a pig and one of the related posts is about Thatcher, and one other has a picture of Credlin in the “Time to come clean, Tony” article.

  3. Matters Not

    Is necrophilia, the new black? How many others are baking their bread in cold ovens?

    Current critics of Abbott need to reflect – re their motivating force(s). What lies at the heart of their outbursts?

    John Elliot’s utterings of ‘pigs arse’ need to be revisited.

    A very clever article! Hilarious in fact.

  4. donwreford

    If Cameron had sex with a dead animal? how could the British public have a head of a country and voted in? or is this revelation after he gained office? one way or another it shows not just a individual being involved with necrophilia but a representative of highest office? the fact that MI5 has not taken action against this pervert is remarkable, the British public having become so low as to not get rid of a pervert such as Cameron is a reflection of how base and corrupt this public has become.

  5. Guest

    Clearly, boredom killed the pig! Good one Jennifer.

  6. Richard Kopf

    Be fair. It was only one pig!

  7. Roswell

    One that we know of. 😉

  8. silkworm

    The dead pig was heard to say, Yes, he did place his willy wonka in my mouth, but I did not inhale.

  9. Pingback: I did not have sex with that pig – » The Australian Independent Media Network | olddogthoughts

  10. diannaart

    The Piers Gaveston society, which hosts end of summer celebrations attended by James Delingpole is but one of numerous elitist Oxford clubs, notorious for degenerate shenanigans.

    Their motto is (English translation from the Latin) is something like: “Certainly I do not remember that I have heard of any man who loved another like this”

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piers_Gaveston_Society

    Even if David Cameron didn’t do the things that have been claimed, he still went to Eton with these people and built up that network of friends.

    http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/night-piers-gaveston-society-elite-6486118

    Whether a PM fellated himself with the head of a pig is true, hardly matters – fact is these exclusive clubs of male privilege do everything and more that their reputations’ suggest.

    I have to wonder at the odd mixture that is conservative elitism – from the the rigidly religious shrieking warning of same sex marriage, through to the outright libertine’s for whom wealth is laissez-fair to debauchery.

    Makes me very happy to be poor.

  11. PC

    I’ve said all along that Cameron is not fit to sleep with pigs. I never expected he’d try and prove us all wrong.

  12. Anomander

    You know the old story – f*ck one pig and no matter what else you manage to achieve, you’re labelled a pig f*cker for life.

  13. Lee

    Is it my imagination, or do the most perverse sexual antics always involve the conservatives?

  14. Jaq

    Ah…the antics of the wealthy. Cameron is married to a Rothschild. Goodness knows what else these “Elites” get up to behind closed doors.
    Sad to think they are in charge of running a country and making decisions for the rest of us.

  15. crypt0

    Lee … I, for one, do not believe that it’s your imagination !

  16. musicinhills

    Yes lee it does, as in only the fittest survive, they always got to prove who is capably of anything
    It’s what gung ho elites do best.

  17. Matters Not

    Then again, there’s those who are into arborphilia. So common is it, there’s alternative nomenclatures. Try ‘dendrophily’ or perhaps paraphilia.

    ‘Knot’ that I am aware of the detail.

  18. corvus boreus

    Matters Not,
    Dendrophilia has been deemed a taboo topic subject to censorship by the moderators of this site.
    They do not wish to hear of the caressing of buttressed roots.

  19. corvus boreus

    Ps, Thanks for ‘paraphilia’, my first new word for the day.

  20. Matters Not

    corvus boreus, apparently there are as many as 549 types of paraphilias. Not that I am into atypical sexual interests.

    But if I were, I would think that ‘549’ was clear evidence of limited imagination.

  21. paul walter

    I have little doubt Diannart would be aware of the chequered tale and unfortunate fate of both Piers Gaveston and his illustrious sponsor, about seven hundred years ago.

    That royal sponsor, Edward11, experienced a sparking transition to the afterworld in way broadly related to the pig event according to some accounts, but involving a rod far hotter than Cameron’s

  22. diannaart

    Paul

    Has it been 700 years already? – if there is one thing that conservatives can keep up, it is tradition.

    😛

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