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Hot On The Heels Of Cadbury, We Discuss An Even Bigger Scandal!

Senator Hanson’s recent call for us boycott Cadbury’s because of an old photo of a man holding up Halal certification and some Cadbury’s chocolates has left me slightly outraged. I mean, I know that I should be supporting the jobs of Aussie workers at Cadbury but when someone has a certificate to show that their Easter eggs contain no animal products, I know that I should just forget all about buying Australian and get my eggs from wherever those delicious Lindt ones are made.

Pandering to the politically correct, just so they can sell more Easter eggs to Muslims, because I’m sure that they must be a big market at Easter is as bad as the halal wine I read about a couple of years ago.

But then I discovered from a very reliable source – Barry down at the pub – that there was en even bigger scandal. I had a bit of a headache so along with the drinks I asked the guy at the bar if I could have a glass of water.

“Water!” exclaimed Barry who was sitting at the bar.

“I just want it to take a couple of aspirin, then I’ll have my chardie like all good socialists,” I explained.

“No, mate,” he said, “don’t you know?”

“Know what?”

“We’re all boycotting water in here. We’ve discovered that it’s halal.”

“Really?”

“Yep. 100% halal. You won’t catch me drinking water any more.”

I was tempted to point out that I’d never caught Barry drinking water. “Right then,” I told him, “no more water for me… Does that include washing? I mean, we’re still using the water.”

Barry considered. He clearly hadn’t thought about it. “Mm, I think halal only refers to stuff you eat…”

“And flushing,” I added. “Do we have to stop flushing our toilets until they clear up this whole halal thing?”

“Flushing is fine,” declared Barry authoritatively.

“Great. I mean, I could go without drinking water but…”

“Look, we’ve contacted Pauline and we expect that she’ll fix it and any day now we’ll get back to good old Aussie water.”

“How are they going to do that?”

“We had a bit of a brainstorm the other night and Gazza suggested adding roadkill at the treatment plant.”

“Does that make it non-halal?”

“Too bloody right it does!”

“What about the hygiene factor?”

Barry looked at me like I was stupid, so I took my drinks – minus the water – back to my table. I still had a bit of a headache, so my explanation of why water didn’t pass the pub test was a bit garbled.

“Whatever,” I told my friends, “Pauline’s onto it, so I imagine she’ll fix it a few days, just like she did with the Great Barrier Reef. Remember how she and her mate went swimming and showed us that it was just fine!”

Then someone asked if the water she was swimming in was halal too, and, if so, should she be swimming it.

It was a good point. But I guess she may not have realised. I mean, not even Malcolm Roberts knows everything. I haven’t had that confirmed with empirical evidence, but it seems probable, even if he disagrees.


16 comments

  1. Kaye Lee

    Pauline should be completely honest with us and lead the boycott on kraft peanut butter and vegemite, on Kellog’s corflakes, Nutrigrain and Sanitarium weetbix, Tasmanian salmon and Coon cheese – the list is endless.

    Oh and Nestles, Red Tulip and M&Ms are also halal. Why pick on Cadburys?

  2. Johno

    Who comes up with these bizarre idea’s anyway. Is it James, Malcolm, Brian, Pauline ?? My mind is quite boggled.

  3. Matters Not

    Barry should be reminded that hops and yeast (in themselves) are halal. Perhaps Barry can be persuaded to stay away from the ‘hops’ and Pauline could be reminded she was once a barmaid.’ Consuming hops and the selling of same should be frowned upon.

    BTW, not all (living) Muslims are against the consumption of alcohol. (Alcohol is one of the rewards available to good Muslims in the next life). Raki (40 to 50% alcohol) is very popular in Islamic Turkey (contributed to the early death of Ataturk – the founder of modern Turkey) and Effes (a delightful ale) originates from there as well. Both products were available in all local Seven Elevens. (I say ‘were’ because under Erdogan there’s been many changes – but I suspect the culture wouldn’t change that much.)

  4. Gangey1959

    Just a quick question. If ”halal” just means it has no animal products in it, how can ”A Glass and a Half of Full Cream Milk” contain no animal products? Regardless of whether it was moulded facing mecca or not. Maybe its a dodgy certificate.
    @ KL. While they were getting ready for easter service the other night I heard all the other M&M’s picking on the red ones for being catholic and how that even if they all dress like cardinals they cant all be pope, so they can’t be halal either.

  5. Kaye Lee

    Food can be forbidden in Islam if it includes:

    blood
    alcohol
    meat or any products from a forbidden animal, including pigs and any carnivorous animals or birds of prey
    meat or any products of an animal which has not been slaughtered in the correct manner in the name of Allah

    I think milk is ok

  6. RonaldR

    We have to put up with this small minded Greedy women because the Mass media keep shoving her in our face, They engineered her into the Senate with the exposure they gave her for months leading up to the Election and during the Election (it was equal to a small fortune in advertising and only the people who control the Liberal Party and the Media could make it happen) The Electoral Commission should investigate it as undeclared gifts. I belong to a political Party and due to a media blackout we have been unable to win seats even though our policies are for the Good of all and often get borrowed by the Major parties who never follow through on them, the latest instance was Turnbull’s announcement about expansion to the Snowy Mountain Scheme and part of his speech was word for word out of one our publications in February 2002. I have not mentioned the party name as this post would defiantly not be published but the party was started by Australian Farmers that were being destroyed by insane policies of the Government and no one in politics would listen to the Farmers. The party has been a registered for over 28 years even though Liberal & Labor have tried every dirty trick in the book to end the party. Governor General Haydon warned Labor & Liberals that this party had to be destroyed as if it won Government the people would never want them again as it is an educated peoples party that does not play popularity politics.

  7. jan russell

    Pauline entered politics knowing nothing and still knows very little EXCEPT that you can get a nice sum if you can convince enough nutters to vote for you.

    You don’t need to win to collect She has been collecting for the past 20 years whilst becoming even more extreme in her views.The media think they are onto a good thing if they can get her opinion on various subjects, the more controversial the better.

    She is always ready to offer her view whether or not it is relevant or requested.This is FREE advertising for her and she will do anything to make the evening news, even to the extent of telling people that her life has been threatened

    It is time the mainstream media ignored her but they won’t as they are controlled by right-wing nut jobs who have similar ideas to her. No wonder Brian Burston is so anti ABC, they have the sense to ignore some of her stupidity and at other times let us see that stupidity. Neither of these angles are pleasing PHON and her minder James Ashby , ( another schemer of the system) so he has now banned appearances on ABC

    What are they afraid of? The truth and/or that they will be shown for what they really are

  8. zoltan balint

    I got a pair of boots the other day that said ‘genuine hide, halal certified (helping to pay for our brothers to take over Queensland as it is an easy targed where stupid people rule, thanks Mal and Ginger)’ guess they were talking about it’s character. But that can not be true … Roberts and Hanson have the hide and they are not certified and everything they say is true. How the $@#&: can you question what they say or claim if you can not work out what $@#&:-?planet they live on.

  9. LOVO

    One wonders if’n One Nation is “proof” that aliens do, indeed, live amongst us ❓
    …..over to you Roswell 😛
    P.S. “PH One Nation is empirical evidence that the world is flat “

  10. zoltan balint

    The one positive outcome of hearing Hanson and her group offer their opinion is that it solidifies and pushes people to think about the issues. Hanson attacking a group only unites that group. One Nation talking about any subject without offering a solution or even a consistant view of a problem forces the rest of us to take the issue seriously.

  11. Kronomex

    Pewleen is always going on about Australia this and Australia that, so why is she holding a foreign owned product in her hand? At last checking Lindt is a Swiss company. Good on you Pewleen.

  12. Nato

    I’ve read that Haram requires a fatwah, Halal certification requires payment, so not being certified Halal doesn’t necessarily mean it’s Haram, just that no appropriate Islamic body, eg the ICCV, has been paid to attend and certify.
    I’ve also read that Pauline Hanson doesn’t like muslims and earning money encourages immigration of a culture she doesn’t want here.
    It must be true. I read it on Teh iNtanett.

  13. Kronomex

    Last night while reading in bed (Interstellar Patrol by Christopher Anvil) I suddenly thought that I should have called her Appauline and not Pewleen.

  14. Zathras

    Whenever I see this Halal panicked reporting I recall this little gem from just back in the sixties –

    https://ia600203.us.archive.org/22/items/WallyButterworthKosherFoodBlackmailOfAmericanHousewives/00_butterworthJews_butterworthJews_64kb.mp3

    This guy was a former radio star and TV host and was a front for The Christian Voters and Buyers League which in turn was a front for the KKK – generating fear and distrust through bigotry, ignorance and intolerance for your own purposes.

    Hanson and her Halal stance are no different.

    I wonder where she stands on the subject of Kosher anyway?

  15. jimhaz

    Personally I would like to know if there is any Russian money going Hansons way. They tend to sponsor types like this.

    But in any case F*** Halal. 2% of the pop shouldn’t have the power to demand business meet their ideals, but mainly the whole concept of Halal it is regressive pointless shite aimed to separate.

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