Senator Hanson’s recent call for us boycott Cadbury’s because of an old photo of a man holding up Halal certification and some Cadbury’s chocolates has left me slightly outraged. I mean, I know that I should be supporting the jobs of Aussie workers at Cadbury but when someone has a certificate to show that their Easter eggs contain no animal products, I know that I should just forget all about buying Australian and get my eggs from wherever those delicious Lindt ones are made.
Pandering to the politically correct, just so they can sell more Easter eggs to Muslims, because I’m sure that they must be a big market at Easter is as bad as the halal wine I read about a couple of years ago.
But then I discovered from a very reliable source – Barry down at the pub – that there was en even bigger scandal. I had a bit of a headache so along with the drinks I asked the guy at the bar if I could have a glass of water.
“Water!” exclaimed Barry who was sitting at the bar.
“I just want it to take a couple of aspirin, then I’ll have my chardie like all good socialists,” I explained.
“No, mate,” he said, “don’t you know?”
“We’re all boycotting water in here. We’ve discovered that it’s halal.”
“Yep. 100% halal. You won’t catch me drinking water any more.”
I was tempted to point out that I’d never caught Barry drinking water. “Right then,” I told him, “no more water for me… Does that include washing? I mean, we’re still using the water.”
Barry considered. He clearly hadn’t thought about it. “Mm, I think halal only refers to stuff you eat…”
“And flushing,” I added. “Do we have to stop flushing our toilets until they clear up this whole halal thing?”
“Flushing is fine,” declared Barry authoritatively.
“Great. I mean, I could go without drinking water but…”
“Look, we’ve contacted Pauline and we expect that she’ll fix it and any day now we’ll get back to good old Aussie water.”
“How are they going to do that?”
“We had a bit of a brainstorm the other night and Gazza suggested adding roadkill at the treatment plant.”
“Does that make it non-halal?”
“Too bloody right it does!”
“What about the hygiene factor?”
Barry looked at me like I was stupid, so I took my drinks – minus the water – back to my table. I still had a bit of a headache, so my explanation of why water didn’t pass the pub test was a bit garbled.
“Whatever,” I told my friends, “Pauline’s onto it, so I imagine she’ll fix it a few days, just like she did with the Great Barrier Reef. Remember how she and her mate went swimming and showed us that it was just fine!”
Then someone asked if the water she was swimming in was halal too, and, if so, should she be swimming it.
It was a good point. But I guess she may not have realised. I mean, not even Malcolm Roberts knows everything. I haven’t had that confirmed with empirical evidence, but it seems probable, even if he disagrees.