In breaking satirical news – and yes, I did feel the need to point this out, as it’s hard to tell lately – the following draft of a letter penned by Australia’s One Nation Party Leader Pauline Hanson to Donald Trump has been leaked to us:
Dear Lord Almighty your holiness grand wizard king Trump
As the only senior political leader in Australia who was invited to your coronation, I thought I should make contact after the shocking events of this week. (OK,’ invited’ might be a little strong – but I did eventually get a ticket after my mate and Senator Chicken Roberts pulled every string his little claws could get a hold of, and finally the Australian embassy found someone who didn’t want theirs. )
I am writing to you today on behalf of the Australian people. (Not all the Australian people of course – not those nasty halal loving lefties, or Asians, or those losers who follow Sharon’s law.)
Firstly I would like to apologise for your call with our Prime Minister, Malcolm Trumble. I completely understand why you hung up on him. I would hang up on him too if he would return my calls.
Secondly, you were right to talk tough with Trumblebum about Australia taking advantage of you and your country.
For too long, Australia has used America as a dumping ground for unwanted immigrants like those leftie-loser-lovers Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchette, Chris Hemsworth, Simon Baker, Nicole Kidman and Rebel Wilson.
For too long, we have brain-washed your kids with the propaganda of the Wiggles.
For too long, we have sent you our sheep’s wool offcasts in the form of Ugg boots.
For too long we have sent you beer that we would never drink – Fosters – in cans that are too big for
tiny really large hands like yours.
For too long we’ve lorded it over you with our big knives.
For too long we have let our toilets flush in the wrong direction, without even the slightest attempt to fix it.
And for too long, the Outback Steakhouse has been passing itself off as Australian, and we have done nothing at all to object. (What’s a blooming onion anyway?)
I want you to know that I, and my party, are 120%* behind you, and are doing our best to “Make America Great Again”!
*In case you’re wondering, this statistic was confirmed by Chicken Roberts, who is our Climate Change expert. He’s a whiz with alt-facts and alt-statistics if you ever need them.
This article was first published on ProgressiveConversation.