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Hanson apologises to Trump on behalf of Australia

In breaking satirical news – and yes, I did feel the need to point this out, as it’s hard to tell lately – the following draft of a letter penned by Australia’s One Nation Party Leader Pauline Hanson to Donald Trump has been leaked to us:

Dear Lord Almighty your holiness grand wizard king Trump

As the only senior political leader in Australia who was invited to your coronation, I thought I should make contact after the shocking events of this week. (OK,’ invited’ might be a little strong – but I did eventually get a ticket after my mate and Senator Chicken Roberts pulled every string his little claws could get a hold of, and finally the Australian embassy found someone who didn’t want theirs. )

I am writing to you today on behalf of the Australian people. (Not all the Australian people of course – not those nasty halal loving lefties, or Asians, or those losers who follow Sharon’s law.)

Firstly I would like to apologise for your call with our Prime Minister, Malcolm Trumble. I completely understand why you hung up on him. I would hang up on him too if he would return my calls.

Secondly, you were right to talk tough with Trumblebum about Australia taking advantage of you and your country.  

For too long, Australia has used America as a dumping ground for unwanted immigrants like those leftie-loser-lovers Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchette, Chris Hemsworth, Simon Baker, Nicole Kidman and Rebel Wilson.

For too long, we have brain-washed your kids with the propaganda of the Wiggles.

For too long, we have sent you our sheep’s wool offcasts in the form of Ugg boots.

For too long we have sent you beer that we would never drink – Fosters – in cans that are too big for tiny really large hands like yours. 

For too long we’ve lorded it over you with our big knives.

For too long we have let our toilets flush in the wrong direction, without even the slightest attempt to fix it. 

And for too long, the Outback Steakhouse has been passing itself off as Australian, and we have done nothing at all to object. (What’s a blooming onion anyway?)

I want you to know that I, and my party, are 120%* behind you, and are doing our best to “Make America Great Again”! 

Hugely yours,

Pauline xox

*In case you’re wondering, this statistic was confirmed by Chicken Roberts, who is our Climate Change expert. He’s a whiz with alt-facts and alt-statistics if you ever need them.

 This article was first published on ProgressiveConversation.


23 comments

  1. John Kelly

    We should just declare war on someone. Who it is doesn’t really matter. We’ll cop a hiding and win their protection.

  2. Ricardo29

    P.s. And all along we have happily accepted your fabulous tv shows, leave it to beaver, the one featuring that other famous redhead, Lucille… etc. and films which demonstrate how your military might saved the world time and again, saving private Ryan, the great escape etc., Although I know some pathetic Australians have accused your wonderful country of decades of cultural imperialism, i am inclined to ignore this as I dont know kwhat it means. anyway, Your high worshipness, there are some here who love you so keep up the good work, especially if it means being rude to Malcolm Turnbull and, if you ever get to talk to them, Bill Shorten and Richard Di Natale.

  3. Kaye Lee

    PPS I just love your getting rid of that stupid rule preventing coal mining debris from being dumped into nearby streams. The loony-left here want to stop us dumping it in the ocean just because there’s bit of coral there…which contrary to reports, is doing just fine. I saw it with my own eyes and took a lovely bit of it home with me.

  4. pierre wilkinson

    oh Kaye, so succinct

  5. Keitha Granville

    I can’t laugh – it’s all too close to true 🙁

  6. Phil

    I like to smile and your article made me smile widely Kate – more please?

  7. Dave

    Um?…..Which part is satire?

  8. Annie B

    So needed a good giggle … thank you Kate M.

    The postscripts were priceless too ….. 😀

  9. Kaye Lee

    I am starting to doubt Trump’s sanity. Does he think he can tell the courts what to do?

    US President Donald Trump has pledged to overturn a federal judge’s ruling to temporarily block his immigration ban on seven Muslim majority countries, calling the judgement “ridiculous” while questioning the judge’s credentials.

    “The opinion of this so-called judge, which essentially takes law enforcement away from our country, is ridiculous and will be overturned,” Mr Trump said on Twitter.

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-02-05/donald-trump-says-judges-block-on-travel-ban-will-be-overturned/8241798

  10. Kate M

    Thanks for adding the PSes Kaye and Ricardo — they must have been on the other side of the ‘leaked’ draft….

  11. Kate M

    Kaye – we’ve written about PMs and Presidents who have seen themselves as Kings before – but I think there’s a good chance that Trump actually believes he either has or should have that sort of power, and not just over America, but the whole world. I suspect he may not even understand the difference between being King and being President. Possibly a lot of Americans don’t either.

    I suspect there’s also a good chance that he’s never even heard of the three pillars of democracy – or if he has, it was a long time ago – and he believes he should be able to tell everyone and every institution what to do.

  12. Johno

    Piles of dead turtle hatchlings are lining Queensland’s famous Mon Repos beach amid a heatwave which has pushed the sand’s temperature to a record 75 degrees Celsius.

    And Donald, when you visit little ole Oz we will show you the turtle breeding site in Tasmania. AGW, chinese hoax or what. All my love… Pauline.

  13. Kaye Lee

    Kate, as someone quipped before, it was an inauguration, not a coronation.

    Trump just isn’t very smart. He has no idea what he is doing. It’s just like Pauline telling everyone she will have a RC into Islam. The rednecks lap it up no matter how much you point out that most of what Pauline says she will do is unconstitutional or just batshit crazy like having an RC into the BoM and the CSIRO for lying about temperature records.

    I am just waiting for Donald to emulate Kim Jong-un and insist that everyone wears their hair like his. How DOES that hairdo work?

  14. Kate M

    Kaye – I hope you’re right. Some of the research I’ve done suggests that Trump could in fact be bright. I’m not yet convinced. But if that’s true – and he is bright – what he’s doing is far scarier than it appears on face value.

  15. Deanna Jones

    I think he’s probably of average intelligence, just hella selfish and ignorant as all get out, elevated beyond his ability by a system that routinely favours white males to do just that. Not that phenomenal actually. I’m just reading his recent commentary accusing a judge of “taking law enforcement away from this country”. Only patriarchy would bestow so much power onto a man of such average intellect.

  16. Johno

    Deanna, I very much agree, patriarchy sucks bigtime.

  17. Michael Taylor

    I never realised you had a witty streak, Kate. Either that or the letter is real! It’s so hard to tell the difference with Pauline Hanson: what she takes as serious, we take as satire.

  18. helvityni

    Deanna,

    ‘Sweden’s deputy prime minister, Isabella Lövin, has published a photograph of herself signing a climate bill surrounded by her closest female colleagues, apparently mocking a photo of US president Donald Trump’.(Guardian)

    Trump deserves a bit of mocking, one of the Lovin’s female colleagues in the picture is pregnant…

  19. Kaye Lee

    Trump is going into Twitter meltdown. How dare anyone tell him he can’t do something.

    “What is our country coming to when a judge can halt a Homeland Security travel ban and anyone, even with bad intentions, can come into U.S.?”

    “Because the ban was lifted by a judge, many very bad and dangerous people may be pouring into our country. A terrible decision”

    Is this fool unaware that they already vet people applying for visas from these countries?

    “Supporting documents are only one of many factors a consular officer will consider in your interview. Consular officers look at each application individually and consider professional, social, cultural and other factors during adjudication. Consular officers may look at your specific intentions, family situation, and your long-range plans and prospects within your country of residence. Each case is examined individually and is accorded every consideration under the law.”

  20. Johno

    Could a twitter meltdown be the equivalent of a temper tantrum ???

  21. Annie B

    Kaye – re : “Is this fool unaware that they already vet people applying for visas from these countries?”

    May I add ” is this fool unaware that America already has people of all colours, creeds and followings – who are baddies, brandishing and using guns against their own countrymen” ? …. If he ‘thinks’ he is going to do a purge, perhaps he should start with what’s already there ? … the prisons are jammed full and overflowing with perps. in that country – more so than anywhere else in the world.

    ……

    And his tweets – ( hopefully going into an actual meltdown ) … are not meant to resonate with only Americans, but with the world, as I believe THAT is what he sees as his ultimate aim – “to rule the world “ … How else could anyone see him ? He is hanging his orange hair on the very incorrect assumption that the PotUS is “leader of the free world”. … I have never believed that popular myth.

    …….

  22. Annie B

    Kate M – re : Kings and Presidents. Not all kings in history have been dictators. Queen Eliz 11, is not permitted to utter a word, politically. And she never does. And so it has been with many Kings / Queens of many countries. … Some crowned bods however, have indeed been monsters.

    There are Despots and Presidents, and in this case it is becoming clear that they are one and the same in America. … A total tyrant, an oppressor, authoritarian, and dictatorial autocrat, is the elected PotUS.

    It is barely believable that any person anywhere, can attempt to ‘overturn’ the legal systems in their democratic country. … Correction – America was a democratic country once – I doubt it is, at this moment in time, in terms of what true democracy means.

    What astounds me, is that most likely the red-necks who were appealed to, titillated and turned on by this blokes’ inane and vile pre-election rhetoric – actually got off their bums to go and vote. Had it been what one might call “an ordinary” election, with candidates who did not resort to rotten tactics – those bods would have remained seated, with not one iota of interest in getting out to vote. … It is a horrid thought. …

    A lot of them voted for him because he represented ‘Republicans’ and the Reps ( and Tea Party ? ) are paramount … they must be squirming now. !!

  23. Kyran

    The ‘tell’ in this parody, Ms M, was that it wasn’t written in crayon. For goodness sake, an undischarged bankrupt just got a travel visa to America to apply for a job. That tinkler bloke! What corporation in America would employ him? It must be a government job, surely? Only a bankrupt would employ a bankrupt for financial advice for a government, surely? Thank goodness his religion (capitalism) wasn’t a religious criteria into entering the US of A. The damage done by other religions in the US of A is miniscule, by comparison. Surely?
    Thank you, Ms M, and commenters. Ms Annie B, I read your posts whilst mine was going through. Could not agree more. Take care

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