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Fifty Shades of Tony (with apologies to E. L. James)

“Mr Tee will see you now, Miss Steele. Do go through,” Blonde Number Two says. I stand rather shakily trying to suppress my nerves.

“Damn Kate for being ill,” I think. I don’t belong here, interviewing such a powerful man. As a hand grips mine in a full-blooded hand-shake, I am impressed by the strength of the grip, the way he places his hand on mine as he shakes it firmly. I am too unworthy; I cannot meet his gaze.

“Miss Kavanagh, I believe,” says a strong voice. I swoon. This is the sort of power that nobody could refuse.

“Mr Tee,” I stutter, still unable to look up.

“No, I’m his Chief of Staff, Mr Tee is in the next room. Please follow me.”

When I eventually look up, I see that his chief of staff is a woman. I try to explain that Miss Kavanagh is indisposed and that she has sent me in her place, but I feel so undeserving, so out of place. Apart from a couple of blondes and his chief of staff, there don’t seem to be any women around here. Which is understandable because this is a place where important things get discussed, and they certainly don’t want women around discussing silly topics like the best way to iron a shirt or childcare…

Suddenly Mr Tee is in front of me. He’s more powerful than I could possibly imagine and I instantly feel that I’d do anything for this man because if there’s one thing that turns people on it’s power.

“Miss Kavagh,” he says, extending his hand.

I curtsy and kiss it, before mumbling, “I’m not Miss Kavanagh. She’s sick so she sent me because … well, I’m her roommate and I study with her. I hope that’s all right.”

“I see,” he says, with the trace of menacing leer. “Would you like to sit?”

“No,” I reply, “I’m content just to kneel here.”

“Come, come, you must sit,” he insists, and I am powerless to refuse.

After I struggle to a chair, I tell him that I have some questions for him, as I stroke a lock of hair behind my head, twirl it and place it my mouth, while suppressing a slight whimper.

“That’s usually the way interviews go,” he says,

Oh, he is so wise, so commanding, I can see why people regard him with such esteem. I have only been in here a few moments and already I feel that I’m unworthy to have him spit on me.

“To what do you owe your success?” I begin.

“It’s all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I now how to make them tick, what flourishes them, what doesn’t, how to inspire them, how to frighten them, how to incentivise them, how to use words cleverly to trick them, and when they ask a question, I know exactly what to say to make them aware that all the good things are thanks to me and all the bad things are someone else’s fault. My belief that for any scheme to succeed you need to be master of it, not its mistress, and that means ensuring you have a good team, and that you let them know that you’re the captain.”

He paused.

“Of course,” he added, ‘that doesn’t mean that you don’t consult. In the future, I promise to be more consulative.”

“But,” I stammer, “surely someone as gifted as you shouldn’t need to consult. I mean, you know what’s right and why should…”

I stop, feeling that I’ve said too much, feeling that he may take what I’ve said as a contradiction and that he may become angry and fling me out the window. For a second, the thought of his hands upon me throwing me to my death is strangely exciting…

He sighs. “Of course, you’re right! But people seem to demand being consulted these days. Back in the good old days, a father was in charge of the house and a boss was in charge of the work. And a bad boss was like a bad father, better than none at all. I mean, who’d spank the children and bring them back into line if they did something naughty.”

“Who are you beyond the public persona?” I ask, a little nervous that he may take me over his knee and spank me like I truly deserve for asking such an impertinent question.

“Let’s talk about Captain’s Picks. I don’t subsribe to luck or chance. It’s really about having the right people in your team and directing them accordingly…”

“You sound like a control freak!” The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them.

He smiles. “Not in everything. Most things I leave to my chief of staff.”

Why does he have this overwhelming effect on me?

Is the way that nobody has ever forced me to make difficult choices? Is it because I’ve lived all my life in the age of entitlement? Or is it the fact that I was expecting a man in a suit and tie, not someone wearing a hi-viz vest, speedos and a life-saving cap? Here’s a man who doesn’t care about social norms, I thought, and that thought sent a shiver through me.

Whatever, I asked my final question.

“How does it feel to cop so much unfair criticism when you’re clearly doing what’s best for everyone?”

“I don’t mind. It’s part of being a leader.”

“It’d break my heart.”

“There are those that say I have no heart.”

“Why would they say that?”

“Because they know me well!” His lip curls into a wry sneer.

His chief of staff is at the door, reminding him that his next appointment is here. Suddenly, I hate her, and wish that he’d get rid of her and employ me.

“Postpone it,” he commands. “I’m not finished with Miss Steele yet. There is much that I need to explain to her about letting an adult be in charge.”

Oh my god, I think. Why does the chapter have to end here? Can’t we go on just a few more lines, so that I can feel his firm hands on my shoulders, and…

“You can’t postpone it,” says his Chief of Staff. He sighs and tells me that I’ll have to go.

Bugger, I think.

“That comes later,” he replies.

 

16 comments

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  1. Konstantina

    Hahahahahahaahha! Brilliant!

  2. keerti

    Yes and if the clown carries on much longer, we’ll all be buggered!

  3. richardw1953

    Never mind, two faced…
    How about 50 faces of Tony all lying at once…. ? Let’s hope for a Double Dissolution of this Fascist government before they sell every right the Voters have…

  4. John Fraser

    <

    Here you can find the Danish Prime Minister speaking English :

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-31472746

    Here you can find the English Tony Abbott speaking English :

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLEx-cf6Jdw

    It should be noted that the Danish Prime Minister is a woman and does not wear a blue tie.

    It should also be noted that I have made no reference to what the Danish P.M. is talking about …. in line with Abbott never addressing an issue bought up by a woman.

  5. stephentardrew

    She was so excited she nearly peed herself giving rise to another trickle of conservative piss and bridle.

  6. Phi

    loved this Rossleigh – more please !!

  7. Win jeavons

    Tony and grey are interchangeable, he being and acting so grubby, Truly this is the first time in a fairly long life I have not merely disliked or distrusted a right wing government, but have felt shamed and disgraced by one.

  8. diannaart

    Waiting for sequel…

  9. paul walter

    Yes, but does Margie dress like Julie Bishop?

    Added warning, reading this may cause muscle spasms from hysterical roflmao.

  10. John Fraser

    <

    50% of New Zealanders are saying WTF is she with him.

  11. CMMC

    Abbott morphing into Berlusconi?

  12. Mike

    Kaye Lee
    There is no way on earth Marggie is speaking about the same person/animal Australia so obviously knows. To me she looks like a very sad women walking on eggshells. “romantic” yeh right.

  13. Rossleigh

    In the midst of a pile of shit, it’s easy to turn away in disgust and not notice something that should stand out. So after reading the wonderful piece that Kaye Lee posted, this is what stood out for me. (Perhaps I have no sense of smell.)

    “Margie’s insight suggests that despite the public posturing that it was all a storm in a teacup, the couple had discussed the possibility that his political career could have ended at 9.30am last Monday.”

    Does that imply that had he lost the vote, it would have been, “F*ck you, I’m outa here, deal with a by-election, you ungrateful bastards!”

    Or is just that they both think that being a backbencher isn’t a career in politics?

  14. Kaye Lee

    I would have said that there is no way that Tony would walk away from an easy income but I have to keep reminding myself that he actually was our PM albeit briefly. I assume he is set for life although I doubt his complimentary office staff will be busy.

  15. Lee

    I read somewhere recently that neither Margie nor Tony are wearing their wedding rings any longer. That photo in the article posted by Kaye isn’t the greatest but I can’t see any wedding rings there either. Clearly Margie is also just as big a liar as Tony is. I remember before the election she told us that he is a good and honest man. She is still lying about him.

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