Pantalons de merde’s Maccers reprise
Remember being embarrassed on behalf of Americans when their corpulent, carrot-coloured BLOTUS attended international forums to gibber his inanities about buying Greenland and relocating Seoul? With his puckered sphincter pout evoking an image of an orangutan bent over to tie its shoes The Donald was a global objet d’ridicule and a national stigma for those Americans with principles and active brain functions.
Karma. Now it’s our turn.
DiddleyScott Morrison showed early form when it comes to mortifying Australia on an international stage. Diddley’s 2019 spooning of Trump on the lawns of the White House was Obadiah Slope-level cringeworthy but he went even further with a reach around, earlobe-nibble and dismount. Half the nation turned red at the discomforting visuals of Diddley’s metaphorical fondling of the orange scrotum.
Such allusion was reinforced at June’s G7 in Cornwall. Invited as the waterboy Diddley capered around the ankles of Boris Johnson like a rescue puppy looking for a scratch behind the ear. BoJo is a man resembling a fright wig thrown onto an abandoned construction site, but his office signifies inherent if unrealised gravitas which had Diddley wobbly of knee and moist of crotch, his ever-present smirk stretching into a look-at-me, shit-eating grin but apart from aghast Aussies no-one knew who he was.
This is characteristic of a bully – sucking up and punching down. Another defining characteristic is, of course, cowardice.
Never one to forego an opportunity to big note himself Diddley was nevertheless a reluctant starter for the G20 and COP26. A fresh pack of Depends was broken out as our head coprolite pondered the prospect of fronting irate world leaders who are immune to his climate denialist lies and obfuscations.
The desire for him to attend by those who would be most embarrassed that this odious slug represented our country was puzzling. Perhaps this was a case of outing that creepy vicar you caught in the vestry with his dick in the hoover and a feather duster up his clacker by flinging the door open and saying to the congregation “See, I told yers!”.
In readiness for Diddley’s participation in COP his minders and crime scene cleansers from Wolfe, Crosby, Textor & Co. dug up a dead cat – internet trolls, groomers and cat fishers. “The plan was to stir up alarm about people being nasty on Facebook to divert from any inconvenient language presaging a phase-out of coal in the final communique” but it only resulted in government politicians deleting their browser histories. It had zero affect on the frosty reception that awaited Diddley and his cooker of the books Black Angus Taylor, infamous for various #gates and known to gas executives and Cayman Island bankers as Fidel deFigueres.
At the COP the visuals of presidents and prime ministers suddenly finding an interest in their shoes or the wallpaper upon Morrison’s approach was hugely amusing as was his hectoring speech to an empty hall – the delegates having bolted for the door, a ciggy in the freezing carpark having greater appeal. The highlight was Emmanuel Macron throwing stink eye Morrison’s way upon being subject to one of Mossion’s signature laying on of hands for a slime-by photo-op.
From national joke and hide and seek champion to duplicitous international charlatan is quite the achievement even for the most blatant of dodgy operators. Fully equipped with a spectrum of his own off-putting personality tics supplemented with disturbing Trumpian tendencies there is, to quote Julian Hill MP, something seriously wrong with this bloke. “This bloke” has taken his expertise in double dealing beyond our borders to the world stage.
Called out for being a liar by Macron he lied to the press about the press he was lying to, accusing them of posing for selfies with the French president. Pulled up on it he reflexively blamed someone else – “I must have been misinformed.“
“There has been lying, duplicity, a major breach of trust and contempt” French Foreign Minister Jean-Yves Le Drian
Diddley no doubt thought he could pull off ‘global statesman’ as his latest persona, a Churchillian defender of “the Australian way” added to his palette of pre-fab personalities – an enlargement of his evolving grand narrative of Brave Sir Scotty*, guardian of our sovereignty, a grateful nation turning its eyes to its beneficent saviour. All he achieved was adding the entire French nation to all those sentient Aussies who already know what a shallow, duplicitous prick he really is.
He’s shat himself in front of the world. Embarrassed? I sure am.
*Hat tip to @RonniSalt
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Malcolm Turnbull’s Address to the National Press Club – September 2021
This article was originally published on Grumpy Geezer.
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