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Dutton or Dudster? Here’s a quick guide to the many personas of Australia’s wannabe PM.

Australia’s political throne has a new contender – one Mr Peter Dutton. But if you’re one of those mumbling “Peter who?” – you’re not alone.

As a contender for both Most Boring and Most Offensive MP in Australian Parliament, when Peter Dutton does stand in front of a camera, many people either find their eyes glazing over or their noses scrunching up in disgust without actually taking in a lot of what he is saying.

So here’s a quick guide to the many different personas of Australia’s chief contender for the PM’s throne…

PDuddy PDuddy – the Dudster

In 2015, PDuddy proved that his ‘Dudster’ name is well earned when Australian doctors voted him the worst Health Minister in living memory.

Clearly pleased with PDuddy’s ability to outdud all that had come before him, then-Prime-Minister Tony Abbott moved him to Immigration and Border Protection in late 2014. It wasn’t long before the Dudster proved that it isn’t only in Health that he is capable of undershining all others.

In fact, since taking over this portfolio, Dutton appears to have struggled with understanding what seem to be fairly fundamental concepts – things like:

  1. Where Australia’s borders are
    Being an island, you’d think that border identification would be an easy task. However, in late 2015, PDuddy’s Borderforce famously announced they were going to check people’s visas by randomly roaming the streets of Melbourne.
  2. What is and isn’t illegal
    Having started life as a policeman, you’d hope PDuddy had received training in identifying what is and isn’t illegal. But after four years in his role, he still refers to asylum seekers as ‘illegal immigrants,’ even though there is nothing illegal about seeking asylum in Australia – no matter how you get here.
  3. When someone is or isn’t employed
    This would seem to be an important thing for the man in charge of Australia’s Work Visas to grasp. But in an interview last year, PDuddy argued that refugees shouldn’t be allowed to come here because they would both take Australian jobs AND languish in unemployment queues.

PDiddums PDiddums – the sensitive petal

Despite being happy to dish it out – once calling a female journalist a ‘mad f*ing witch’ and telling CEO’s like Alan Joyce to ‘stick to their knitting’ – when it comes to being on the receiving end of anything negative, Dutton is clearly a bit of a sensitive petal.

Over the past few years, PDiddums has claimed to have been:

Despite his sensitive nature, PDiddums does try to put on a brave face – regularly claiming to be the man on Australia’s borders ‘staring down’ the terrorist threats that face our nation. However given PDiddum’s inability to cope with remonstrations from the world’s largest peace-keeping force and the fact that he considers articles by Fairfax to be the equivalent of a murderous jihad – it’s hard to imagine him staring down a group of marauding kittens, let alone terrorists.

PDaddy PDaddy – the big spender

The LNP’s we-have-to-live-within-our-means and it’s-the-end-of-the-age-of-entitlement mantras apparently haven’t reached PDaddy’s sensitive ears. Indeed, he and his department appear to throw money around as though they were in charge of organising Bronwyn Bishop’s travel arrangements.

In fact, while the rest of government is busy cutting pensions and freezing Medicare, PDaddy’s department is spending up big, splashing out on:

And it’s not just at work that PDaddy likes to flash the dosh around. A few years ago, he spent over $2.3 Million on a waterside mansion so that he could take what he evidently believes is his rightful place on Queensland’s ‘Millionaire’s Row.’

Then there’s the $5.6 million in public funding received by a childcare company operated by PDaddy’s family trust recently – and it’s not hard to see where PDaddy got his name.

PDouchebag PDouchebag – the dick move meister

Peter Dutton may not be good at taking criticism – but there’s one thing he is an expert at, and that’s dick moves. In fact, Peter Dutton’s douchery skill levels are so great, that he could give Donald Trump – who, let’s face it, is probably PDouchebag’s hero – a run for his money.

Here are some highlights from PDouchebag’s time in parliament:

  • Walking out on Parliament during the apology to the stolen generation;
  • Joking about the fact that some of our Pacific Island neighbours may go underwater due to climate change;
  • As Minister for Immigration, presiding over an Immigration policy that has:

Clearly being a douchebag is one skill that Peter Dutton is not a dud at.

PotatoD PotatoD – you’ll never look at a potato the same way again

No review of the Dudster would be complete without looking at his uncanny resemblance to the simple potato.

In fact, if you search for images of someone, Google helpfully suggests the most popular categories of images other people have been interested in. For PotatoD this includes things like ‘wife,’ ‘young’ and of course, ‘potato’.

PDivider PDivider

It used to be that a country’s leader saw themselves as leading the whole country – and not just those who support them. But in the spirit of another toddleresque world leader – Donald J Trump – PDivider has already made it very clear that those whose views are not aligned with his are “dead to him”. In fact, he literally referred to those who lean to the left as “crazy” and said, “They don’t realise how completely dead they are to me.”

So if you lean left – the Dudster has disowned you, so feel free to do likewise.

PDictator Still to come: PDictator?

When you consider the many faces of Peter Dutton, you have to admit that this man is indeed versatile. Now that the party that brought us onion-eating carbon-tax hating Tony Abbott is considering making Peter Dutton it’s King – which version of the Dudster will we see? One of his existing personas?

Or will a new Dutton emerge? PDictator perhaps? I guess we’ll have to wait and see…

This article was first published on ProgressiveConversation.

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19 comments

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  1. Ill fares the land

    Whilst it is a bit lascivious, if not crude, I think FuddleDutt or BefuddleDutt if you prefer, looks to me like a walking dildo.

    I have concluded that his shaved head makes it easier for him to:

    1) insert his head into his own rectum (which happens most days); and
    2) Insert his head into other peoples’ rectums (which he does when he is not doing 1)).

    How we have allowed the parliament to descend into the maelstrom of greed, corruption and perverted ideology is the real question here.

    I have thought for some time that this has been happening gradually and eventually we would cross the rubicon and find that instead of the parliament being made up of mostly intelligent and dedicated people who at least made an attempt to govern the country, the idiots would eventually be in the majority and would take charge – and here we are. I worked in large professional firms for most of my working life and I have seen this before – intelligent people who refuse to see what is really going on, so that the devious, the manipulative, the backstabbers and the power-hungry weasel away in the background and no-one really ever sits down to take stock of the full picture, so before they know it, it is too late – the inmates have taken charge of the asylum. We have got what we asked for and we will regret what we allowed to unfold,

    To my mind, Dutton patently lacks both the intellect and the breadth of vision to be a success as PM. But like Old McDonald Trump, there are always dedicated supporters that remain loyal regardless of what they witness (consider how loyal journalists like Gerard Henderson, Alan Jones, Andrew Bolt and Nikki Savva always manage to find a way of perverting the facts to suit a conservative position). Even professional journalists are obsessed with seeing what they want to see – no money or ratings in reporting the facts. Much better for gaining power to appeal to lazy dolts who don’t care about facts and align themselves with opinion that seems persuasive.

  2. Michael Taylor

    Brilliant, Kate. Simply brilliant.

    And I loved your wit.

  3. paul walter

    There is a problem with Dutton ahead of an investigation into his financial affairs isn’t there?

    As ill fares the land says, he is only
    Abbott’s stooge anyway, the next time he has an original idea will be the first. Dummer than a sack of rocks.

  4. jimhaz

    Nice work. With the new contenders, I’m starting to think that now he has little chance of being our next Dear Leader.

  5. paul walter

    Did anyone watch the Senate this afternoon?

    When it finished I switched off and thought of what overseas people must think of Australia, a supposedly sophisticated advanced western democracy.

  6. jimhaz

    [When it finished I switched off and thought of what overseas people must think of Australia, a supposedly sophisticated advanced western democracy]

    Who cares when the US has Trump and some European countries have had similar fiasco’s in recent years.

  7. Kaye Lee

    MN just shared interesting insight from the Conversation.

    Dutton’s legal advice was based on last year’s child care payment arrangements which were effectively payments to parents.

    This year payments are made directly with the child care centers and his legal advice is not applicable.

  8. corvus boreus

    Peter the fish eyed predator.

    Peter Dutton creeps me the phuq out at a truly visceral level.
    There is something in his gaze that suggest that when he was at high school he kept carrying a monocle, tweezers and scalpel to every science lesson, hoping against hope for an animal autopsy, even though the current subject was astronomy.
    I often think the Dutton creature is not truly human, not with eyes like that, which makes me wonder what he could be.
    My first guess, based on facial recognition, would be some relative of the Dog-faced Puffer (Arothron nigropunctatus)

    http://seaa.rwsentosablog.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/dog-faced-pufferfish-fb.jpg

  9. Egalitarian

    Puppets like Dutton and Abbott are perfect fodder for the likes Rupert Murdoch and Alan Jones. They are all on Who Who’s hit list for Psychopath of the year.

  10. Kate M

    Love the images…..

    Egalitarian – I thought you were going to say they are perfect fodder for comedians. But psychopath of the year works too. Same same.

  11. johno

    So I am dead to the dudster, oh well, whatever.

  12. Kate M

    I think most people on this site are #DeadToDutton – and proud of it!

  13. Kaye Lee

    Ima guessing I would be considered a mad f#cking witch by P Duddy, if I wasn’t already dead to him.

  14. Kaye Lee

    Can you imagine the first Question Time.

    Does the PM still think that Malcolm Fraser was wrong to allow people from Lebanon into the country?

    Are the crazy lefties at the ABC, Guardian, the Huffington Post still dead to you?

    Is the PM aware that there have been 1300 farm deaths in Nigeria since January and does he intend to offer special help to those farmers or do they have to be white to get preferential treatment?

    Can the PM explain why overruling the immigration dept advice to allow an au pair to enter illegally is in the “national interest”?

  15. 245179

    And when a general election is called, the vast majority of these pathetics will be returned. “We” have ourselves to blame, we have not stormed the streets in anger with the swill on offer. Again and again we see the rortings, we listen to blatant lies, we see we see. We are being played for fools, and it will continue.

  16. Kate M

    I don’t think Dutton has the wit to manage question time Kaye!! He really only has one setting when responding to attack – which is self-righteous outrage. He can only play that card so many times.

  17. Kaye Lee

    All he does is blame Labor….for everything…always. It sounds so stupid when you have been in government for 5 years and you are still blaming your predecessor. Imagine if a company installed a new board and five years later they were still blaming the old directors. If you can’t fix things in five years, you are never going to be able to. Which is why we are where we are. The factions in the Liberal party, added to the coal-loving Nats, have made achieving anything impossible.

    Interesting, the spill motion has been carried 45-40. Almost half of them didn’t want a spill.

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