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Democracy Means That People Voted For Us, So We Can Do What We Like!

INTERVIEWER: Tonight, we’ll be talking to the Minister for Stopping Things, Mr Peter Dull-one, Good evening, Minister.

DULL-ONE: Good evening.

INTERVIEWER: You’ve recently been critical of the Human Rights Commissioner, Ms Gillian Triggs.

DULL-ONE: Yes, what she said was utterly outrageous?

INTERVIEWER: In what way?

DULL-ONE: Well, she attempted to link the death penalty to Australia’s position on turning back the boats. I suggest she should just stick to her knitting and not make comments about things she doesn’t understand.

INTERVIEWER: “Stick to her knitting” that sounds a bit sexist.

DULL-ONE: it’s an expression, if there’s one thing you can’t accuse this government of it’s being sexist.

INTERVIEWER: Is that becuase it’s against some new law?

DULL-ONE: No, it’s because we’re the best friend women ever had. Why the PM himself has taken on the role of Minister for Women.

INTERVIEWER: And what’s he actually done in that role?

DULL-ONE: Well, he proposed the most generous paid parental leave scheme…

INTERVIEWER: Which has since been scrapped…

DULL-ONE: Are you here to ask questions, or launch into political statements on behalf of the Labor Party?

INTERVIEWER: Actually, I’m not here at all, I’m fictional just like you. Otherwise, I’d be just letting you get away with whatever guff you wanted to spin.

DULL-ONE: That’s not true. Some of those female interviewers on the ABC get far too aggressive and start to bring in facts and figures, which are usually biased against the government’s position.

INTERVIEWER: If I may get back to Gillian Triggs, she’s suggesting that democracy is under threat with the government wanting more and more things to be under ministerial control without the proper checks and balances.

DULL-ONE: That’s ridiculous. There are plenty of checks and balances.

INTERVIEWER: Such as?

DULL-ONE: Well, we still have to ask Peta’s permission before we make a decision that’s likely to be made public, although it is much better since February because we can now go to the toilet without having to run it past the PM’s office for a pass.

INTERVIEWER: But take this new law where teachers and doctors can be jailed for speaking about conditions on Nauru and Manus. Coming from a government that was so big on Free Speech, doesn’t this seem a little heavy-handed?

DULL-ONE: Free Speech is never absolute. There always have to be restrictions. We can’t have people advocating violence and terrorism. Similarly, if we allow people to criticise the government, it’s a small step before they’re advocating the overthrow of a democratically elected government at the next election, and if that happens, Labor would be back in power and they’d be weak on terror and plunge the company even deeper into debt. In the interests of national security we just can’t allow that.

INTERVIEWER: But isn’t not allowing criticism inconsistent with democracy?

DULL-ONE: Democracy is never absolute. There always have to be restrictions. We can’t allow just anyone to vote. That’s why we have this proposal to disallow anyone convicted of a terrorist offence from voting.

INTERVIEWER: But wouldn’t a serious terrorist offence put them in jail for longer than three years, where they’re not allowed to vote anyway?

DULL-ONE: Well, that measure was directed the ones who are overseas fighting with IS, we didn’t want them going to some overseas post office and sending in an absentee vote. But we have other measures on the cards to ensure that only those with Australia’s best interests at heart get to vote.

INTERVIEWER: Such as?

DULL-ONE: Well, once we succeed in removing the tax deductibility of environmental groups, we’ll legislate to ensure that anyone voting for The Greens is certifiable insane and have their vote disallowed. We’d have them committed but due to the anachronistic “secret ballot” voting system, we don’t get their names, so we can’t do much more than just stop the votes…

INTERVIEWER: And so you’re just going to ignore Gillian Triggs?

DULL-ONE: On the contrary, we’re going be mounting a very strong argument that we can’t have a situation where the Human Rights Commissioner is critical of the government. After that we’ll remove her for not reporting the inducement made to her sooner, so we can replace her with Tim Wilson who never opens his mouth on anything.

INTERVIEWER: Is that the inducement made by your government?

DULL-ONE: You can’t say that, we were cleared of making any bribes by the AFP who said that they had better things to do with their time. The so-called “inducement” was – like our government’s poor human rights record – all in poor Gillian’s head. I mean, if she’s going to confuse the suggestion that there might be another job for her with the offer of a job, she’s very deluded. That’s like thinking that the suggestion that the statement that there’d be no cuts to Education or Health was the same as saying that we wouldn’t be reducing the amount of increase they were supposed to get in coming years.

INTERVIEWER: Well, thanks for your time, Mr Dull-one, and good luck in your new portfolio.

DULL-ONE: I’ve been in this job for a few months now, so it’s hardly new.

INTERVIEWER: No, I mean the one you’ll get when the government realise that any portfolio that requires you to open your mouth is far too risky. Good evening, Minister.

DULL-ONE: it’s been a pleasure.

 

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6 comments

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  1. lawrencesroberts

    Correction: Not do what we like. Do what multinationals want.

  2. mars08

    Why not…. “Democracy Means That sober, engaged, and informed People Voted For Us”

  3. diannaart

    “Democracy means whatever Tony Abbott decides it means” – if you expect anything else your citizenship is forfeit.

  4. Graham Houghton

    Democracy is a state which recognises the subjection of the minority to the majority, that is an organisation for the systematic use of violence by one class against the other, by one part of the population against another – Lenin. That is exactly what’s happening here now . How did we get to this?

  5. kerri

    Ah thank you Rossleigh!
    I was wondering what was the next fascist step after divesting Australian Citizens of their Citizenship and therfore their constituitional rights and you have touched on it with the interview with Dull One.
    Clearly anyone who is related to a “terrorist” ( in the opinion of the Dull One) and who is happy to have their loved ones go overseas and take up knives and behead people and stuff is not the sort of person we want voting in our country!
    Why they might vote against us!
    Or worse still they might vote to make Australia a Caliphate!!!!!
    Yes! That will appeal to the rednecks at Reclaim Orstraya!!

  6. Annie B

    …. or worse, vote the buzzards back in for another 3 years. ??

    “Reclaim Australia ( Orstrayia ) … will go down the gurgler. A flash in the pan mob. Destined for natural attrition. … It is corrosive from within.

    ………

    Great article – as always Rossleigh.

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