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Dear Tony

Dear Tony,

It’s time. Don’t humiliate yourself any further; gather the tattered remnants of what remains of your dignity and go. Whatever vestige of credibility you may have ever had is long gone. You’re a figure of fun, a delusional buffoon with an introspection-free self-regard that has been resistant to public derision, your serial failures or any wise counsel. You embarrass yourself, and far worse, you embarrass our country. Your time, the mid 1800s, has gone to never return and so should you.

Frightened by a girl you’ve surrendered your archaic signature doctrine of withdrawing from the Paris Agreement on climate change in a pathetically transparent dodge to rescue your unhinged ambition of a return to the big, green swivel chair. You’ve been shirt-fronted by Zali Steggall and you pissed your pants. Is it your narcissism that prevents you from considering a return to the limbo of your pre-infamy days as a nobody? Is that a scarier prospect than the ignominy of being taken down by a woman? Is that worse than the very real prospect of further humiliation – a Howard-scale rejection by a rusted-on Liberal Party base in your Tory heartland electorate?

Pause for a moment, Tones and reflect upon your résumé.

Your only achievements have been ones of destruction and wreckage. Free of imagination, ideas or insight you have sought to level the playing field by bringing down the accomplishments of others. Negativism is your forté, capriciousness is your modus operandi, slander and bullying are your tools of trade. Hamstrung by religious conceits and weighed down by insecurity you seek validation from your antiquated certainties – the unquestionable authority of a medieval belief system and its dogma, the hereditary supremacy of born-to-rule elites, the worship of privilege, power and wealth. You’re lost in a world of ritualised voo-doo and dog-eat-dog Randesque ideology where we serfs know our place and democratic institutions are an inconvenience to be sabotaged or manipulated.

Jonathan Swift wrote in 1721: Reasoning will never make a man correct an ill opinion, which by reasoning he never acquired.

Reasoning is not one of your strong points, Tones. You’re a man of flexible principles but rigid opinions. You sought affirmation from a convicted child rapist yet dismissed the expertise of scientists. For you the mysticism of be-jewelled, robed necromancers swathed in incense and claiming to have the ear of an omnipotent yet vindictive deity always trumped proof, evidence and facts.

You were always widely loathed and so it remains. The evidence supports popular opinion: you are a leering, winking, creepy sexist, you are a self-confessed homophobe, a mendacious, cowardly bully, a crank and a weirdo with a propensity for licking the faces of babies and kissing the back of women’s heads.

Despite your image management – the macho man in red sluggos, the lycra-clad warrior, the hero with a hose, it is obvious to all except the gormless and callow that you are phoney, Tony. The staccato cackle, the clammy, tight-skinned visage of a carp wrapped in cling film, the sleazy smile, the ludicrous bow-legged affectation bringing to mind a rodeo cowboy leaving a port-a-loo; it’s all counter-productive Chuckle Head and subliminally reminds us of your ape-like swaggering approach to unsuspecting victims – the lunatic grin and manic chuckle, the far-too-close, double-handed deathgrip cutting off easy escape. We could read the minds of the hapless recipients of this faux chuminess, Tones, we could see it in their eyes – “Fuck, I want to turn away but if I do he may kiss the back of my head. But if I don’t he may go for the mouth.”

You’re King Midas in reverse, Tones – everything you touch turns to shit. For your own self-respect, it’s not too late, give it away.

Gratuitously yours

Grumpy Geezer

This article was originally published on The Grumpy Geezer.


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  1. Phil

    Grumpy Geezer all true but, you forgot to mention people will still kill each other in the rush to vote for this utter piece of shite come the election. Not just the filthy rich but poor people who live under bridges. If he gets the arse which is unlikely for mine, it will be by a handful of votes. The stupidity of voters knows no bounds.

  2. Jack Cade

    As far as I and most of my friends and colleagues are concerned, Abbott humiliating himself is entertaining. And he never had any dignity to retain. I was really looking forward to Turnbull losing the 2019 election and giving a spiteful and vindictive concession speech, but Abbott losing will
    Make up for it.

  3. Alcibiades

    Bookies odds, Federal electorate of Warringah NSW :

    Tony Abbott, backbencher, member 5 of 6 terms, ex PM: 1.75

    Zali Stegall, Unknown, non party, first time Independent candidate: 2.00

    Long past time to go, Mr Red SpeedoPanties !

  4. New England Cocky

    Dear Grumpy,

    Thank you for your kind words. I shall contest the forth-coming election in Warringah because my gay sister and her wife have advised me that the 75% of the electorate who were dismayed by my refusal to support Gender Equality in Marriage has forgiven me and totally blame our former beloved leader Little Johnnie ‘Flak-jacket’ Howard for this 19th century aberration.

    Your comments about being shirt-fronted by a girl are unfair because she had certain feminine advantages that put me at a disadvantage, Budgie Smugglers do not give you as much thrust as a well-filled 39D bra.

    Warringah voters are very ware of the effects of climate change that is why they purchased residential property on the northern beaches to enjoy the sun, sand, surf and sex. Naturally in the unlikely event that sea levels rise above the frontal dunes, the paid up members of the LIarbral Party will surely be granted ex gratia payments from whatever Liarbral government holds the balance of power.

    You have been a little unkind about the fairy tales emanating from Rome for the past two millennia. These have served the clerics well, gifting them enormous earthly wealth to enjoy as they pursue the tenets of Christianity of service to the poor, compassion for the oppressed and care for the children.

    After all, with an estimated $1.2 BILLION in assets it would be unreasonable to expect the Roman church to fund their own school system from their own resources, for churches to pay local government rates because less than about 30% of the population attend any of the denominations, and for clerics to abide by the laws of the land like other mere mortals.

    It is probably unreasonable for you to bring up my university student exploits of punching out walls next to women, bullying inconsequential lefties and cheating to get into Oxford.

    I look forward to the bout of voting in May or whenever the acting Prim Monster decides to agree to hold the election. Regardless, my retirement package will be available as soon as I leave Parliament for the last time, and after my long term of destruction and devastation for the benefit of the IPA and their multinational financial supporters, I shall remain in financial clover doing the international circuit of talk fests espousing the benefits of a Roman slave economy.

    I thank you for your blessings.

    Yours in politics,
    Toxic RAbbott

  5. Matters Not

    Very bad tactical and strategic advice. Abbott should be encouraged to remain – fight to the bitter end – then resurrect himself to fight again and again just like an Energizer Bunny.

    For Shorten et al, Abbott is a priceless asset – as is Abetz, Andrews, Joyce, Kelly, Christensen – the list goes on and on. Why would Labor want to get rid of an organised fifth column and its designated leader? A go to group for media headlines when the going get tough.

    Stay Tony – stay! Win Tony – win! Keep up the good work. Just disregard the knockers – they haven’t got your best interests at heart.

  6. Jack Cade

    At first I thought you said FILTH Column.
    Said it all. Really.
    I don’t know what is more mouth-watering; all of them losing, or only THEM winning. On balance I would prefer the former, but I’d accept either result.!

  7. RomeoCharlie29

    Great stuff from all of you. However I think it’s a bit patronising to refer to Zali Stegall as a girl, even en passant.

  8. pierre wilkinson

    In all honesty I thought you were the master of restraint, Mr Grumpy, as there is so much more you could have expressed in your eloquence, but bravo regardless, you were truly succinct.

  9. Patagonian

    Bloody hell, he looks like he’s about to suck the soul out of that baby!

  10. Grumpy Geezer

    RomeoCharlie, my use of “girl” is intentional – it’s a swipe at Toxic’s sexism.

    His humiliation will be complete if he’s beaten in the election by a female – someone Toxic belives should be doing the ironing.

  11. Liz Franklin

    Brutal, but a magnificent report!

  12. Don Coutts

    Sorry peoples, but as Carlo Bongarzoni of Contarf says “But he still deserves respect as a former PM, a Rhodes Scholar, a significant community/national contributor and a caring human being” as reported in the Murdoch Press’s Manly Daily.

    We will miss him when he is not on the oppositions benches in the next Federal Parliament, along with the other clowns previously mentioned in the comments above, providing they go too.

    The Canberra bubble may well burst without him and Scomo in it, filling it with it’s much needed hot air.

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